


The Airing of Grievances

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, M/M, POV Alternating, Recreational Drug Use, Sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-01 23:16:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 68,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10203032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Kenny self-implodes in his senior year.





	1. The Airing of Grievances

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone Can Be an Asshole is not necessary for understanding of this story, but it definitely helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for heavy heavy drug use

It was the fifth annual Airing of Grievances. Kenny and Token had started the celebration before seventh grade to make sure their friendship was never tested. On the last day of summer, they would all smoke until their last brain cell shriveled away then fight for the rest of the night about all the things they hated about each other. It would always end with a vigorous round of smoking and no drama for months to come.

It was a risky maneuver and not to be attempted by any ordinary group of friends. Wendy had been horrified to hear that Kenny, Token and Bebe did the same thing each year. She had been even more surprised to see that, somehow, the system actually worked. It was like they purged out all the bitterness.

Bebe walked to Kenny’s house complete with a note of topics she’d like to address. First on the list was Token’s new bowtie. She had spent too long being supportive, and she meant to call Craig and include him in the Airing just for buying it for him. Honestly, he looked like Kyle.

Somewhere around the bottom of the list, reserved for only if Bebe felt really brave, she had scribbled “ _why do we never talk about Kenny stalking Kyle last year?”._

Because, really, it had to be addressed.

When she thought about it, she really thought Kyle should be inviting to the Airing of Grievances. Everyone had more than enough to say. Kenny and Token’s grievances were usually things like “ _Token, start paying me for weed”_ and “ _Kenny, don’t fart on my bed then say I did it”_.

Bebe had a feeling senior year was going to be a good year, and the Airing of Grievances would only solidify that bond. It had been the Summer of Platonic Love – she got to spend every day with Kenny while most of the peripherals, a term she used much to the displeasure of all her other friends, had disappeared for the summer, and they took their drama away with them. Of course, Token had left for a posh vacation with his family, but they texted so much Bebe barely missed him every minute of every day. Kenny didn’t feel the need to be sober anymore to impress Kyle or Wendy, and things felt much like they had this time last year.

There were differences. There were always differences, and junior year had shaken the foundation of their friend group. For the most part, the changes were minute. Kenny would mention missing Wendy while she stayed with her aunt in Denver. Sometimes he would lose the chain of the conversation as he stared angrily at his phone. Bebe didn’t know if he was waiting for a text or had just received one he didn’t like. She never asked.

She popped a cigarette into her mouth as she hit Kenny’s block. Even in broad daylight, she always got a little nervous in Kenny’s part of town, and smoking made her feel braver. She could even stamp it out on someone if they tried to jump her. It was a highly underrated weapon.

Karen opened the door for Bebe almost as soon as her knuckles hit the wood. She retracted her hand in surprise, trying to hide the cigarette behind her back for the sake of the younger generation. “Karen! How’s your summer been, sweetheart?”

Karen looked fairly grumpy. “It’s fine. Kenny’s gotten high and given me the “high school boys only want one thing” talk a few too many times.”

“They do only want one thing. Listen to your brother,” Bebe said sternly, vaguely wondering if the one thing boys wanted to do was smoke her up. Maybe she’d just gotten lucky. “Is he here, by the way?”

Karen scowled. “Yeah. You can see if you can help with his crisis because Tweek is _useless_.”

“Tweek’s here? Where’s Token?”

“Not here,” she replied bluntly, pointing up the stairs towards Kenny’s room. “Go ahead. You can stop pretending not to be smoking a cigarette, too. I do live with Kenny.”

Bebe sighed and took a long drag of her cigarette before it could go out. “You’ve seen too much for your tender age of ten, Karen,” she mumbled before trudging up the stairs.

“I’m fourteen!” Karen called after her, but Bebe didn’t turn around. Kenny hadn’t had a crisis in _ages_. Definitely not since Kyle left for the summer, and there was no logical reason why Tweek would be the person to help if he were having a crisis.

She kicked the door down dramatically. It had come off its hinges months ago, and Kenny had moved all his possessions out of the door’s trajectory so Bebe could always make a big entrance.

“Who died?” Bebe asked, taking in Kenny lying facedown on his bed while Tweek sporadically patted his shoulder. She always hated when she blurted out that joke because what if someone had _actually_ died? Still, Bebe was pretty good at discerning Kenny’s melodrama from genuine problems. This was melodrama at its finest.

Kenny just groaned weakly.

“Was it you?” Bebe tried again.

Kenny shook his head.

“Alright… well, I’m glad your back. You know. If you were actually gone. By the way, weed makes you act psychotic. Grievance aired.

Kenny looked betrayed. “Your unsupportive about my deaths. Grievance aired.”

Tweek looked between the two of them curiously. “This grievance thing is really strange, you guys! Normal friends don’t _do_ things like this.”

“Tweek, I gotta be honest with you,” Bebe said. “It’s really weird you’re here. Grievance aired.”

“You don’t need to say ‘grievance aired’ whenever you- _gah!-_ air a grievance!”

Kenny paused for a second, then, with a small grin, he twisted around to face Tweek and suggested, “Grievance aired?”

“Besides, do you think dating _Craig_ gives you any idea of what’s normal?” Bebe scoffed. “That kid is weird with a capital ‘wuh’. Grievance aired.”

“Charming, Bebz,” a deeper voice than any of the three of them had replied from the door.

Bebe spun around with a huge smile lighting up her face. In the mangled doorway, looking darker than usual, Token Black was standing with Craig Tucker and Clyde Donovan. His eyes were crinkly from his warm smile, and Bebe wished that everyone’s eyes would crinkle like that when they looked at her.

Craig was examining Bebe, expressionless as always. He stood in the doorway for a second with Clyde peeking over his shoulder happily, then his lip twitched in what might have been Craig’s attempt at a smile and crossed the room to sit next to Tweek. He planted a small kiss on the top of his head, and Bebe got the impression that this was the equivalent of having sex in public for the two of them.

On the whole, Bebe could barely give a shit that Craig, Clyde and Tweek had crashed their Airing. She flung herself across the room into Token’s arms and pressed kisses all over her face in excitement. Clyde squeezed himself against the doorpost and edged past them.

Bebe gave Token’s arm a final squeeze and looked back at her friends. Kenny had pushed himself into a sitting position, and he extended his arm for a bro shake with Clyde. Token wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and she beamed up at him. She had truly been worried that Token’s memory was bad enough that he’d forget they were dating during his vacation.

“Roll a joint, lil K,” Clyde urged, punching him in the shoulder. Kenny shook his shaggy head in a façade of irritation, but he pushed himself off the bed to lumber over to his tray. Clyde seized the opportunity to drop down onto the bed where Kenny had been sitting, and Kenny shot him a nasty look.

Remembering what she had come to do, Bebe frowned a little. “Why are the peripherals here for the Airing of Grievances? This is our _special_ day.”

Token and Kenny laughed, but Clyde just looked hurt.

“This is the first summer we’ve had enough friends to miss over break,” said Kenny. “I wanted to see everyone!”

Craig’s lip twitched again. “We’ve been your friend for years.”

“That’s Kenny for ‘I invited Stan so he would bring Kyle’,” said Token.

Kenny flushed but stayed on task. “Actually, I invited Wendy so she would invite both Stan and Kyle.”

Bebe perked up. “Oh! If Wendy’s coming!”

“You flatter me, Bebe.” Clyde shot her a dirty look.

Bebe hit her fist against her heart twice and made a sideways peace sign at him. Kenny laughed again, and Token got his crinkly smile. This time, Tweek and Craig laughed too. Making fun of Clyde was something everyone could get behind.

There were footsteps on the stairs, and Bebe shrugged Token off to run into the doorway. “Wendy! Wendy Wendy Wendy!”

“Bebebebebe!” came another girl’s voice. There was the sound of a crash against the wall that must have been Bebe running into Wendy and throwing her against the wall.

“You’re so tan! You look beautiful! Beach babe!”

Wendy laughed lightly. “I’ve been in Denver with my aunt, Bebe.”

There was another squeal that was probably Bebe giving her another suffocating hug, then a boy chuckled. “Good to see you, too, Bebe,” came Stan Marsh’s voice. Kenny froze with the completed joint and stared at the door like a startled rabbit.

“Is… Kenny’s door off its hinges?” A third voice asked. Kenny almost dropped the joint, and Clyde snorted and mimicked his googly eyes.

“Yeah!” Bebe said in excitement. “Look at what we can do! Token, put the door back up!”

Token rolled his eyes but grabbed the door from the floor and pushed it up against the doorposts. There was the sound of someone, probably Bebe, bouncing happily. “Watch, Kyle! Watch!” She kicked the door down again and barged in with finger guns. Wendy, who would not have found the dilapidation of Kenny’s house funny even a few months ago, roared with laughter, and Stan joined in a second later.

“Finger bang bang,” Kenny sang under his breath. Token gave him a confused look, and Kenny shrugged.

Kyle and Stan entered after her, Kyle looking at the doorway like it was liable to cave in on him at any point. Like Wendy, he seemed a lot more amused than he would have a few months ago. Unlike Wendy, he did not seem very amused.

He flashed Kenny a small smile. “It’s like Craig’s car window all over again, huh?”

Craig scowled, and Token clapped Kyle on the back. “We weren’t even on drugs when this happened!”

The year before, Kenny and Token had competed to see which one of them could get ‘coke strength’ and lift a car over their heads. The end result was that neither could, so they decided to see who could punch in one of Craig’s car windows. After Kenny went and succeeded, Craig called off the contest. The window had since been repaired with duct tape.

“You still haven’t fixed the window.” Craig flipped Token off, and Token held up his hands innocently.

“It was Kenny’s fault!”

“Yeah, like _Kenny’s_ going to pay me back for damages.”

“Hey!”

“And you know full well that you would’ve punched it in if you had gotten to go first.”

“That’s _right_. Because I’m a _man_.” Token glared at Kenny. Kenny had not let him forget that only he had managed to punch in a window. It was, truthfully, because only Kenny had been allowed to try, but Kenny counted it as a victory.

Bebe squeezed his hand supportively. “I know you are, babe. You don’t need to worry about proving it to these assholes.”

Token puffed his chest out proudly. He looked at Kenny then flicked his eyes from Kyle back again in a way that said, without a doubt, _at least I got the person I’m obsessed with_. Kenny averted his gaze and lit the joint like a cigarette, singing his hair in the process. He took a few long drags then looked to his right, proffering the joint to Stan and Wendy.

Stan accepted it gratefully, and Kenny quirked an eyebrow. “No sports next season?”

“Nope!” Stan took a hit then convulsed a little under the effort of not coughing.

Craig looked away from his whispered conversation with Tweek to smirk at him. “They don’t actually drug test us, you know? They haven’t once in the history of the team.”

“I’m fucked if I get kicked off,” Stan replied with a shrug. “I have less of a future than Kenny.”

“Kenny has a future,” Kyle objected, glancing at Kenny quickly. “We’re working together next semester right?”

Bebe could practically see Kenny’s heart drop into his stomach in nervous excitement. He nodded quickly, his eyes fixated on Kyle as he took a carefully measured drag of the joint before passing it to Wendy after one hit.

Wendy shook her head and held up a hand to signal for Kyle to pass it to Clyde. She edged over to Kenny’s desk and brushed some shake off it before hopping up to sit on it. In a voice so low Bebe could barely catch it, she whispered, “What was your crisis, Kenny?”

Kenny jerked his head imperceptibly towards Kyle and widened his eyes warningly. Wendy nodded understandingly and directed her attention back to the group. Clyde was, as usual, coughing up a storm, and Craig watched in condescending amusement.

“Hey, Clyde, bet’cha can’t finish that in one hit.”

Clyde stared at Craig. “Well, that’s because I can’t.”

“It’s never going to get to me if he finishes it!” Bebe protested.

Craig shot her a look that somehow, despite his lack of perceptible emotion, said clearly, _That’s obvious because he would be finishing it_. “Come on, Clyde. Kenny will roll another. Do it, do it!”

Kenny saluted Craig. “Rolling away. Down the hill. Into the valley. Like Jack and Jill.”

“Roll, roll, roll your boat!” Bebe joined in.

Craig gave them another unamused look but turned his attention back to Clyde. “Come on, dude. I’ve had no one to make fun of except Ruby all summer, and Ruby is way too cool for her age. Do this. For me.”

Clyde sighed and poised the joint in front of his lips. With some trepidation, he started sucking in like it was a straw. Craig clenched his hands into eager fists and chanted, “chug chug chug chug!” until Kenny, Bebe, and Token joined in. Stan looked at Wendy for a social cue, and she shook her head with a stern look on her face.

Bebe watched with her mouth parted in surprise as the joint dwindled into nothing. She burst out into applause, and Craig gave a disbelieving laugh. Clyde turned red and held the smoke in for a second before starting to cough and wheeze madly. Craig clapped in delight, the liveliest Bebe had ever seen his face.

Clyde doubled over, and Kenny practically threw himself off the desk to get a trashcan under him before he vomited. Clyde resurfaced after a minute of retching to catch his breath and wipe the back of his mouth. “Was that as good as you hoped?” Clyde forced out.

Craig shook his head in amazement. “I _never_ thought you would succeed. In a million years.”

Clyde’s eyes crossed as he attempted to glare at Craig. “You… are an asshole.”

“Grievance aired,” Kenny whispered to Bebe, returning to the second joint. “Take out the trash, Clyde.”

Clyde’s chest heaved as he struggled to get his breathing under control. “Make Craig do it!”

“Craig, take the trash out.”

A real smile spread across Craig’s face. “Only because Clyde is _such_ a champ.”

Kyle was looking at Kenny with his nose slightly wrinkled. That would make sense, Bebe supposed, seeing as how there was vomit in the same room as him. “How many times would you say people vomit every time you hang out?”

Bebe turned her head and snorted into Token’s sleeve to hide her laughter. The first time Kyle had ever been in Kenny’s room, he had barfed an inch away from his boat shoes. It was now one of her favorite memories.

“Only once per,” Kenny replied, seeming to have collected himself in Kyle’s presence. Bebe really wished she could air her grievance. She had warmed up to Kyle since he stopped treating Kenny like shit, but she was far from actually liking him as a person.

In Bebe’s opinion, Kyle had a few major flaws that made him completely unsuitable for her best friend’s affections. First, he owned plaid pants, which was probably enough for Bebe to write him off forever. Second, he actually wore them. Third, he made Kenny feel bad. Wendy had tried to argue that love always made people feel bad; she and Stan had their fair share of fights, and they were one of the best couples she knew. Bebe didn’t believe that was true. She and Token had dated for three months, and they had been friends for five years, without a single fight. She didn’t imagine Craig and Tweek fought.

When had all of her friends started dating each other? She supposed there was Clyde. Good ol’ Clyde.

Kenny’s constant striving to impress Kyle had a few good results. Wendy, standing in Kenny’s room, was the perfect example. Wendy had spent the last year teaching Kenny how to get his shit together to win over Kyle, and, even though the plan had failed in the end, she had forever become a necessary addition to their friend group.

There was also the way Kenny smiled when Kyle moved across the room to sit on a clean spot of Kenny’s desk next to him. Bebe supposed she had to forgive Kyle if he could put that look on his face, even though, more often than not, he took it away.

Token nudged Bebe and widened his eyes expressively as Kyle leaned over to whisper to Kenny. That was some Craig and Tweek shit, just whispering to each other even though they were in a room with all their friends. Craig and Tweek only got away with it because Tweek was socially awkward and Craig was socially an asshole.

“Have a good summer?” Kyle asked conversationally.

Kenny’s hands seemed to be moving on autopilot as he kept eye contact with Kyle until Kyle, probably not realizing this was a ‘moment’ for Kenny, glanced back at the group quickly. Bebe quickly tuned out the rest of the group, giving Kenny and Kyle her entire focus. It was rare something ever got that.

“It was great. No one was really around except for Bebe and Tweek, but, you know, I like them so all’s well.”

Kyle nodded like Kenny had said something interesting instead of basic small talk. “You didn’t go anywhere?”

Kenny raised his eyebrows as if to ask where Kyle thought he’d get the money to travel. Kyle turned red and looked away again. “No, I just worked,” he said after a pause. Bebe thought talking to Kyle was always a constant battle for Kenny of how bad he was willing to let another person make him feel. “I assume you went somewhere?”

“Yeah, one of my friends from boarding school has a house on Nantucket so I visited him for awhile. Then I was back in South Park. We should’ve hung out.”

Kenny paused again. Bebe wanted to snap _but you didn’t_ , but she held her tongue. Kenny had given her plenty of lectures about not interfering with his and Kyle’s shitty dynamic.

“I honestly don’t even know what that is. I thought it was a brand of pink pants.”

“They’re red. Nantucket reds,” Kyle said automatically.

Token, who looked like he had been struggling with Bebe not to say anything, blurted out, “It’s a douchey island off Massachusetts.”

Kyle’s head snapped up, then he laughed loudly. “Yup. That’s it. People wore sweaters tied around their shoulders.”

Stan looked away from the conversation to roll his eyes at Kyle. “Kyle, I’ve seen _you_ do that.”

“Only in my first week!”

“Yeah, Stan, then he decided plaid would be more than enough to make him look like a douche,” Craig sniffed disparagingly like plaid was an insult to his senses.

Kenny patted Kyle’s knee then, realizing what he was doing, withdrew his hand quickly. “I’m sure it looked fine.” He thought over what he said for a second. “Well, no, it was probably awful, but at least you stopped?”

“I stopped wearing plaid, too,” Kyle muttered.

“You’re doing a _great_ job, Kyle,” Wendy said encouragingly.

Stan snorted. “At least Kyle didn’t need to hire Wendy to make him seem less like a-.” He froze, his eyes moving from Kenny’s pale face to Wendy’s warning expression. “Never mind,” he finished under his breath.

Kenny stared at Wendy furiously, and she looked down guiltily. Bebe and Token exchanged a nervous look, but neither of them said anything. The other boys didn’t seem to realize that something weird had happened; Kyle looked a little confused, but Kenny had trained his expression back into a calm smile by the time he glanced at Kenny for answers.

Wendy jabbed Stan angrily in the side, and he made an “oof!”.

Stan had never been supposed to know about Wendy helping Kenny, but when people started assuming that Wendy and Kenny’s new closeness was the result of her cheating on Stan, Kenny had told him the truth. Wendy, to her eternal credit, had chosen to break up with Stan rather than break her promise, but Kenny wouldn’t let her do that. Bebe had a sneaking suspicion that Stan and Wendy was Kenny’s favorite couple; it wasn’t fair when his two best friends had a _lovely_ relationship, but Kenny had a soft spot for Stan and Wendy. Probably out of guilt for the amount of drama he had caused between the two of them.

Bebe, hoping to break the tension, reached across Kenny to grab the joint. Kenny glanced at her with a mischievous expression then looked back at Kyle. Token choked on a surprised laugh as Kenny, instead of licking the joint, stuck it in his mouth and drew it out slowly while maintaining constant eye contact with Kyle. Bebe let out a high-pitched giggle, and Kyle snapped his eyes away to glare at the two of them as Kenny snickered quietly to himself, passing the joint over his shoulder to Bebe.

“At least he’s done being awkward around him,” Token whispered in Bebe’s ear as she accepted the joint.

“Kenny McCormick: Flirting Extraordinaire,” Bebe muttered back. “Did you know he got laid this summer?”

Token’s eyebrows shot up. “Boy or girl?”

“That’s a rude first question!” Bebe snapped then admitted, “girl”.

Token nodded like he was impressed. Kenny, seeming to figure out what they were whispering about, looked back at them and gave a hammed up wink before tossing Bebe the lighter.

Token cupped his hand around the lighter for Bebe to protect it from the breeze wafting in through the open window. She grinned at him around the joint in her mouth and lit it quickly, breathing the smoke out in perfect o’s.

“Can you teach me how to do that, Bebe?” Wendy called from across the room.

Bebe was surprised. “You know you’d have to smoke to practice?”

Wendy glanced at Kenny. “Yeah, I know. I think I get a free pass for learning a new skill, right?”

Bebe laughed. “Perfect reasoning. C’mere. Token, give the joint back!”

Tweek, before Bebe could pass it to Wendy, snatched it out of Bebe’s hand and took a hit before passing it to Craig. Craig nodded approvingly.

“You two always fuck up the rotation!” Bebe snapped, but Craig just leaned over to blow his smoke out in her face.

Bebe automatically opened her mouth to suck it in, and Craig laughed quietly. “You’re stranger than McCormick.”

Bebe bristled. “I pride myself on it.”

Token ruffled her hair, and Wendy looked absolutely delighted. Bebe supposed she had been gone for too long to see her and Token in action, but they truly didn’t act any different than they did when they were friends. Sometimes she wondered if she should be concerned about that, but then she remembered that now they could have sex, and she didn’t worry anymore.

Wendy seemed to have found the only thing in the world she was bad at as she went cross-eyed trying to stare at the smoke she puffed out of her mouth. Stan never took his eyes off her as she struggled, a small smile playing at his lips, and Bebe tuned out the rest of the circle as she focused on Wendy’s smoke rings.

Between the two of them, they finished the entire joint before Wendy had a chance to blow a successful ring. Bebe stamped it out, and Wendy seemed a little too stoned to be disappointed.

“An admirable attempt,” Kenny assured Wendy, looking away from his conversation with Clyde to examine the last of Bebe’s smoke rings. “Keep in mind – Bebe has _a lot_ more practice than you.”

Token nodded. “She used to look like a fish doing a duck face. Very aquatic.”

“That’s silly,” Bebe said slowly. “Joints can’t stay lit under water.”

Kenny burst out laughing, grabbing Kyle’s knee again as he doubled over in laughter. This time, Kyle’s eyes were as pink as most of his pants, and he didn’t seem to be nearly as uncomfortable with touching Kenny as usual. He even laughed a little, although he looked like he couldn’t figure out if Bebe had been making a joke or not.

Craig stood up and stretched. “I think I’m going to head out – school tomorrow and all that good shit. Thanks for the weed, Kenny. Sorry about your grievances.”

Bebe, Token and Kenny exchanged a look to see if everyone else had forgotten about the failed Airing of Grievances. They had, and Kenny gave a small shrug. “We can still grieve later.”

“I’m sure Kenny will have a funeral any day now,” Bebe added airily.

Kyle blinked owlishly at Kenny. “What? Are you dying?” He sounded, Bebe noted, more surprised than concerned.

Token nudged Bebe. “Did you air our grievance that him saying he dies is weird?” He whispered in her ear. She flashed him a thumbs up.

Kenny, weirdly enough, had seemed delighted the first time Bebe and Token referenced him saying that he died and resurrected on a regular basis. He had been disappointed that they never remembered his ‘proof’, but they were both eccentric enough to give Kenny the benefit of the doubt. Well, mostly they were humoring him, but Kenny may not have noticed the difference.

“What do you say?” Kyle asked again, prodding Kenny in the ribs. Kenny squirmed away and whacked at his hand.

“Nothing. I said nothing.”

“What are your grievances?” Kyle continued.

“Okay, well, bye guys!” Craig said loudly before muttering “fucking assholes” under his breath. He touched the small of Tweek’s back to signal that he should follow him out, and Clyde bounded out after them. He spun around and threw up a quick salute before leaving.

Wendy covered her mouth and started giggling nervously. “Oh, my God! We have school tomorrow!”

“Yeah?” Kenny prompted, trying to ignore Kyle’s poking.

“I’m so high!” She giggled again.

Stan looked at her fondly. “Want to nap at my place before you have to go home?”

Wendy nodded eagerly. “Do you have food? I want chicken nuggets, Stan! Nothing other than chicken nuggets!” She mulled this over for a second. “ _And_ gummy worms.”

He grinned. “We’ll get you food on the way there. Kyle, need a ride home?”

Kyle rubbed his forehead like he was checking for a fever. “I can’t go home like this. Shit, dude.”

“Hearing you swear is like watching a cat walk on its hind legs,” Bebe grinned. “If you were any more pretentious, you’d be British.”

Token made a motion like dropping a bomb. “Grievance aired!”

Stan shook his head, and Wendy whispered, “I’ll explain later.” With a small wave to the group, she grabbed the hem of Stan’s shirt and tugged him out of the room.

There was a silence for a second as they realized to realize, at the same time, that it was Kyle with three best friends. Kyle glanced at the door like he wished he had taken Stan up on his offer, then Token said loudly, “They’re going to bang!”

“ _We_ could be banging right now,” Bebe said wistfully.

Token looked down at her quickly. “Could we? Could we really?”

She nodded.

Token grabbed her hand and started leading her to the door. Kenny smirked at the two of them and gave a sarcastic wave. “If it were any other reason, I’d be mad you guys were missing the Airing.”

Token shrugged. “But it’s not another reason. It’s this reason. Bye, Kenny! Bye, Kyle!”

Bebe snickered. “Air your grievances about Kyle, Kenny! We’ll be back in a week.”

Token and Bebe locked eyes and laughed privately as Kenny clenched his jaw and Kyle ducked his head. Bebe wiggled her fingers at the two of them and winked as she and Token disappeared through the door.

She ducked back inside to ask “want me to prop your door back up?”, and Kenny’s eyes snapped away from Kyle as if it had been long enough for them to be caught in some kind of act. He shook his head, and Bebe disappeared once again.

There was silence in the room for a second. Kenny never seemed to know what to say around Kyle. It was weird that he always felt so elated after talking to the kid; their conversations ranged from the weather to Kyle’s clothing to politics _once_ (in which Kenny had asked, “You’re not republican, right? You seem like you’d be republican”).

Kenny stared at his hands for a second. When did hands become so awkward? What were you supposed to do with them? Well, Kenny knew what he was supposed to do with them, and he blushed at his own thought. Kyle was watching him like he’d never seen anyone like him Kenny, at a loss for a way to occupy his hands, grabbed the bong and grinder from his desk. “Smoke more?” He stuttered out nervously.

Kyle chewed the inside of his lip then nodded. “Will you tell me what the Airing of Grievances is?”

Kenny laughed, not taking his eyes off his tie dye grinder. “Bebe, Token and I have a day every summer where we air all our grievances so we never fight again for the rest of the year.”

Kyle’s mouth fell open; Kenny had thought it was pretty self-explicatory from the name, but he seemed surprised. “That really works?”

“Perfectly,” Kenny grinned.

Kyle nodded thoughtfully, chewing the inside of his lip some more. “You always look at me like a kicked puppy.”

Kenny practically snapped his neck looking up from the bong in surprise. He sputtered for a second, then a huge smile blossomed on his face. “Okay, then you say ‘grievance aired’.”

“Grievance aired.”

“Your clothes suck. Grievance aired.”

“You’re a bad influence. Grievance aired.”

As if proving Kyle’s point, Kenny took a hit and passed him the bong. Kyle laughed a little and accepted it. Kenny watched him for a second, then said, “You smoke like you’re giving the bong head. Grievance aired.”

Kyle pulled his face away, choking on the smoke. “I watched you deep throat a joint an hour ago.”

“If you think that was deep throating, you’re probably not very big,” Kenny responded without missing a beat.

Kyle opened and shut his mouth a few times. “You make me wildly uncomfortable.”

“Grievance aired,” Kenny prompted.

“Grievance aired,” Kyle repeated dutifully.

Kenny leaned back in his chair to survey Kyle thoughtfully. He accepted the bong and took a hit with the same curious expression on his face. He carefully held in and breathed out, absurdly aware of Kyle’s eyes on him. “You break my heart every time you talk to me,” he said finally, handing Kyle the bong. Kyle accepted it in shock, then Kenny looked up at him with a small grin. “Grievance aired.”

“That’s exactly what I mean! Why do you say things like that?”

Kenny shrugged a shoulder. “Proving your point, I guess? I know how much you like to be proven right.”

Kyle shook his head. “You make me feel like I need to apologize for my personality. Grievance aired.”

Kenny bit his lip to suppress his smile. “It’s a great system, isn’t it?”

Kyle looked up at the ceiling for a long time. “Your stupid ideas never make sense and always work. Grievance aired.”

“I’m not the person who invented ‘catharsis’.” Kenny paused, “It was probably the Greeks.”

Kyle reached out to accept the bong. “You act so much stupider than you are. Grievance aired.”

“You _think_ I’m stupider than I am. Grievance aired.”

“You think I’m constantly looking for reasons to look down on you!”

“You act like it’s not that fucking hard!”

“You have a chip on your shoulder because you’re poor when you’re better than half this town! Get over yourself, Kenny! The world isn’t out to get you, Jesus.”

“You don’t need to call me ‘Jesus’. My name is Kenny.”

“You make stupid jokes at serious moments! Grievance aired!”

Kenny shook his head and grabbed the bong from the desk. What the hell do people do with their hands when they aren’t smoking? He stared at his hands curled around the glass in intense concentration then lifted it up to his lips. He set it down again without smoking from it. “I can’t tell if you like me or pity me,” he said quietly. “Grievance aired.”

Kyle looked momentarily horrified. He shook his head a little like he wished Kenny would retract the statement, but Kenny just looked at him expectantly. “I don’t pity you,” he muttered. “I thought that was very clear.”

“It wasn’t. Grievance aired.”

Kyle snorted. “Can we drop the grievances? I think they’ve achieved what they were supposed to do.”

“We were on such a good streak.” Kenny’s heart was beating rapidly in his chest. Kyle looked like he had to slow down his breathing. “I can’t tell if I want to kiss or punch you half the time. Grievance aired.”

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose. “I wish you _would_ punch me half the time.”

“Catharsis, yeah?”

Kyle looked like he was struggling not to smile. “Do it. Come on. It’s Catharsis Day, isn’t it?”

“It’s called the Airing of Grievances, Kyle. It’s a thing.”

Kyle jumped off the desk and grabbed Kenny’s sleeve to pull him to his feet. “Do it. Come on. I want you to get it over with.”

Kenny’s eyebrows furrowed together. “Which one?”

Kyle shrugged. “Your choice, really.”

“And I have to choose one?”

“Stop prolonging this, Kenny.”

Kenny’s gaze flickered from Kyle’s lips to his hand. He clenched it nervously into a fist then took a step towards Kyle. Kyle’s breath caught in his throat for a second, and Kenny licked his lips nervously. Kenny was almost sure Kyle leaned in a bit then staggered backwards as Kenny’s fist connected with his jaw.

Kyle stared at him, rubbing his jaw like he was in a dream, then he burst out laughing. “Do you- do you remember when we didn’t have any toys so we just made up a game that was kicking Cartman in the balls?” He gasped out.

“It’s the simple things,” Kenny agreed, shaking out his hand.

“I really… didn’t think you were going to choose that one.”

“I didn’t either,” Kenny admitted. “Then I remembered I’d have lots of opportunities to kiss you, and very few to punch you.”

“ _Lots_ of opportunities?”

“Well, you know, right now, for one.”

Kenny stepped forward, and Kyle stepped back, laughing again. “You’ve ruined the mood now. I can’t believe you _punched_ me.”

“There was a mood?” Kenny asked eagerly.

Kyle rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling. “I’m leaving. You actually may be the most ridiculous person I’ve ever met.”

“You don’t know Bebe well enough.”

Kyle moved past Kenny to get to the door. Kenny, acting entirely on instinct, grabbed Kyle’s wrist and leaned in, his lips colliding with the side of Kyle’s mouth. Kyle shook his head like he was disappointed in Kenny. “You’re awful at preserving the mood. Grievance aired.”

“You probably read romance novels. Grievance aired.”

Kyle stretched casually then grinned at Kenny. “Like this, okay?” He pressed his lips against Kenny’s softly and pulled away before Kenny even had time to register what was happening.

He was already moving out of the room by the time Kenny found his voice and called, “so did I save the mood?”


	2. The Baker's Buns

Any car that wasn’t sitting next to a burning tire in someone’s lawn was out of place in Kenny’s neighborhood, but Kenny was almost certain that a shiny black town car was unheard of. Token _never_ agreed to park in his neighborhood when he came by the house – it was his parent’s car, and Token wasn’t exactly famous for being the most responsible child. Luckily, he was an only child so his parents had no idea what life could have been like if they had, for instance, had Wendy.

“Honk the horn so he knows you’re here,” Bebe said with her nose pressed against the window. She had to be the only high school student on the planet who still got excited for the first day of school. It was probably because Bebe did none of the work but enjoyed all of the social interaction.

Token shook his head. “I’m not drawing attention to the car. Just wave at the house!”

In the back seat, Wendy cleared her throat politely. “How will that help get his attention if we don’t already have it?”

Clyde, who had already been forced into the middle seat even though Kenny hadn’t even entered the car, gave Wendy an unfriendly look. “It’s worked for the past two years. Not that you were here for it.”

“Stop being territorial, Clyde,” Token scolded idly. “Wendy is a guest in our car.”

Clyde crossed his arms sulkily. “I just don’t see why _Kenny_ can’t take the middle. He got here last.”

“It’s implicit segregation because Kenny comes from a lower socioeconomic class and therefore lives in a different neighborhood than the rest of us. To give him the worst seat simply because he arrives last is to enforce the idea that he is somehow different than the rest of us,” Bebe snapped. The other three stared at her in surprise, and Bebe shrugged. “There are layers to me.”

Wendy, who had opened her mouth to make a similar point, shut it again. “You tell him, Bebe.”

“But now you’re giving _me_ the worst seat because you _like_ me least.”

“Grow an ego, Clyde,” Token snapped. “You can have a side seat on the way home.”

“Wendy gets a ride home from Stan!”

“Well, yes, that is why.”

Clyde flipped him off. “I’m going to start pooling with Craig if you guys don’t care about me being here!”

Token gave Bebe a sideways look. “Okay, Clyde. Because Craig is _so_ much nicer to you than we are.”

“He is!”

Bebe nudged his shoulder and whispered, “Maybe if we’re being meaner than Craig, we have to reconsider.”

At that moment, Kenny hurried out of the house in a bright orange sweatshirt, looking as much like a traffic cone as always. He was stuffing a book in his tattered backpack and didn’t look up at anyone in the car until he had slid into his seat. “Hey, guys! Clyde, why are you in the middle?”

Clyde looked at Token triumphantly, and Token shrugged.

As he drove off, Token looked up into his rearview mirror curiously. Kenny was brimming with excitement, and Token really hoped it wasn’t because he was looking forward to another fun and challenging school year! Bebe seemed to notice the change, too, because she asked, eloquent as always, “Kenny, why do you have morning glow?”

Kenny smiled coyly and shrugged, tugging at the fabric of his coat to cover his mouth instinctively. He seemed like he never quite adjusted to having his face out in the cold where everyone could see his emotions clearly. Kenny also had a bad habit if being perhaps _too_ expressive with his face – a childhood of never needing to mask his emotions had given him very poor self-awareness. It looked theatrical, even.

Token had been working on keeping his patience with Kenny over the summer. He knew as soon as school started he would be launched straight back into the middle of it; something had told him Kenny wouldn’t stop pining for Kyle over the summer, and he had been right. Bebe had sat Token down and calmly explained that he couldn’t hate Kenny based on who he liked. It was well within Kenny’s right as a friend to be uncomfortable with Bebe and Token dating, and he had only ever shown happiness and support.

Then again, it was much easier to support two amazing people like Token and Bebe. Kenny had horrible taste. It could be described as “anyone who shows an interest and one person who shows absolutely zero interest”. It was nonsensical.

Plus, Kenny had slept with Token’s girlfriend. Twice.

Token wouldn’t forget.

Bebe was already babbling quickly to Kenny, making expressive gestures with her hands the whole time. Token smiled distantly, watching her out of the corner of his eye. He could only be thankful, he supposed, that Kenny had rarely shown more interest in Bebe than being her friend. Although it was incomprehensible to him, somehow there were some people alive who _weren’t_ in love with Bebe Stevens yet. Token wasn’t sure if he could compete with Kenny if Kenny suddenly realized the error of his ways.

Bebe elbowed Token. “Keep your eyes on the road, Toking Token. You want to kill Kenny?”

“Yeah, Token, you great big turd!” Kenny piped up from the back. “You want to kill me?”

Token slammed his foot down on the break so everyone in the car lurched forward dangerously. Wendy’s hand flew up to her seatbelt, and Kenny burst out into a fit of raucous laughter. “Why don’t you tell me how you really feel, dude?”

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Kenny tapped his nose like Token was exactly right. He still had that private little smile on his face, and Token was _almost_ curious enough to bring it up again. Instead, he said, “Why don’t you tell us about your crisis, Kenny?”

“Your cris-?” Bebe asked. “Oh, right! You were having another crisis, weren’t you?”

“I don’t have that many crisis…es?” Kenny looked to Wendy, and she smiled beatifically.

“Crises.”

“I don’t have that many crises! Look, I have so few that I didn’t even need to know the plural of the word ‘crisis’.”

“He’s got you there, Bebe,” Token said.

Kenny sighed in a long suffering way. “Well, since you guys all clearly care so much about my emotional trauma, how could I deprive you of-.”

“It’s only cute when Bebe uses surprisingly big words,” Token mumbled.

Kenny grinned hugely. “Which one of those words was big, Token? ‘Trauma’ or ‘deprive’?”

“It was the effect of all of them together.”

“You have a really generous concept of what’s considered ‘big’,” Kenny shot back. Bebe looked over her shoulder to wink at him.

Bebe was, if possible, the worst at winking. She could only do it with her mouth open for one thing, something that Kenny had pointed out a few years ago that Token had never been able to stop noticing. Otherwise, she just twitched and convulsed like someone had swapped her with Tweek.

It was a funny thought. Craig and Bebe just didn’t know what to do with each other.

Wendy sighed. “Do you guys know how long it takes for you to say _anything_? I thought yesterday was supposed to keep you from fighting again all year!”

“Well, Wendy,” Kenny began, glancing at Bebe for back-up. “We didn’t get to air our grievances because all the peripherals showed up.”

“Stop calling me a peripheral! You invited me!” Wendy glared out the window. “Punch him for me, Clyde.”

Clyde sat up like he was only just zoning back into the conversation. “Oh, can do!”

Token didn’t look into the back seat, but he could hear a thud and a quiet cry. Kenny laughed under his breath a little at a joke no one but him could understand.

Bebe clapped her hands together. “Okay, Kenny! Crisis time now! I can’t have Tweek knowing you better than me.”

Kenny snorted. “I didn’t tell Tweek anything. I said I wanted to tell him a secret, and he just sort of yelped about how much pressure I was putting on him then had a meltdown because I tried to give him instant coffee.”

“I’ve seen Tweek do a line of instant coffee before,” Clyde said in an off-hand voice. “It was terrible. We’ve never let him do a stim since.”

There was a silence in the car, then Kenny said, fondly, “Tweek’s such a guy, you guys.”

Wendy shook her head, muttering something like “meaningless” under her breath before looking up, eyes on fire. “There! You did it again! Stop going into stupid tangents and just say what you want to say, Kenny!”

“It’s so much more fun this way, though,” he whined. “Okay, Wendy, since you clearly don’t have _time_ to appreciate my undeniable charm, I’ll tell you. There was one a young, strapping lad by the name of Kenneth McCormick-.”

“I thought you told me your name was Kendrick,” Bebe interrupted. Wendy looked furious.

“Dude,” Token caught a laugh. “Did you believe him when he said his name was Kendrick Lamar McCormick?”

Bebe averted her eyes. “No. Go on, _Kenneth_.”

“This young lad, called ‘Kenny’ by his admirers, was in infatuated with, hm, let’s say a baker, for Clyde’s sake.”

“Kyle,” Clyde said.

“ _This baker_ and young Kenny-.”

“Hey, hey, Kenny! H-how were his buns?” Bebe forced out before positively shrieking with laughter.

Wendy buried her face in her hands. “This story is never going to end.”

“Jesus, you guys!” Kenny said, breaking character. “You need some fucking Adderall. Okay, anyway, they were offered a… baking internship together.”

“Wow, this metaphor is panning out so well,” Token added. Wendy made a noise like an animal dying in the back of her throat.

“This baking internship!” Kenny cried. “This baking internship didn’t, um, well, it didn’t pay at all. Young Kenny wasn’t even sure that he _wanted_ to be a baker. He might want to be, you know, a minimum wage mechanic or a… a pastry dealer or something. Unfortunately for young Kenny, this baker had exchanged numbers with him before the start of summer and _said_ he would text, but he actually only texted _once_ , and it was to ask if Kenny would take said baking internship.”

“Kenny’s never going to get the baker’s buns,” Bebe wailed.

Kenny scoffed. “Okay, sure, let’s see about that. Good point, though, Bebe, that the _fastest_ way would be to take the unpaid baking internship and work in a kitchen alone with Ky- the baker four days a week.”

“Too bad Kenny doesn’t have much dough,” Token crowed victoriously. He returned Bebe’s high five without taking his eyes off the road once.

It was Clyde who said what they all (at least what Token and Bebe) were thinking. “Why don’t you just sell drugs again and do the internship?”

Wendy elbowed him. “I don’t think the _baker_ would like if Kenny were a drug dealer!”

“Fuck Kyle,” Clyde said with a shrug. “You could have it all, Kenny!”

“I _wouldn’t_ have it all, Clyde. That’s the point,” Kenny snapped. “The baker is a necessary part of having it all.”

“Aw, Kenny, that’s so sweet,” Wendy said affectionately.

Bebe mimed gagging, and Token and Clyde laughed appreciatively.

“You’re going to take the internship, right?” Wendy prompted. “It would be a really good decision.”

Clyde, charitably, in Token’s opinion, said, “Being a mechanic would be cool, too. You could probably even get Craig’s window fixed.”

“I’m not going to use my superior mechanic connections to help Craig. Plus, he doesn’t even expect me to pay for it.” Token watched as Kenny sank down into the seat. He hadn’t realized that Craig might have actually hurt Kenny’s feelings when he pointed out that Kenny could never pay for window repairs. Token would have to remember to give Craig money to repair it in school so everyone could forget about the window.

Bebe clunked her head against the window. “Maybe we could flip a coin? Heads, baking, tails, mechanic?”

“And if it’s neither, he deals drugs again!”

Token slammed on the brake again. He wished he could have targeted it so only Clyde got thrown, but everyone made a variety of surprised cries. “We get it, Clyde. You’re not cool enough to know anyone else with drugs. Don’t put that on Kenny.”

“Doing drugs won’t make you cool,” Bebe said, backing Token up loyally. “Look at Tweek and Craig. Token, Kenny and I just happen to be cool _and_ do drugs.”

Token was able to narrowly steal a parking space from a sophomore. He unbuckled himself and twisted around in his seat. “Okay. Every-.”

“Everyone out,” Kenny interrupted in a more-than-passable but still slightly racist impression of Token’s voice. “Bebe and I are going to screw around in the car before school.” He shook his head in disappointment and reverted to his normal voice. “You guys used to be fun to hang out with.”

Bebe beamed at him. “I think we’ve gotten more fun! I’m having more fun!”

Kenny opened his door and threw his long legs out of the car. “Fuck you, then. I barely miss you guys. C’mon, Clyde. C’mon, Wendy.”

Token waved him off. “Kenny, Clyde and Wendy has a great friend group ring to it. Follow that feeling, Ken.”

Bebe made a shooing motion. “Just let them leave, Token! There’s five minutes til class!”

“Oh, no, but he only brought one condom!” Kenny cried in a mocking voice before Token rolled the window up.

*

It was Kenny’s first year not sharing all of his classes with Token and Bebe. Instead he had a day brimming with the Wendy Testaburgers of the world and advanced placement classes to look forward to. The only time he would be seeing his friends now would be Sex Ed, a class which the school had pushed back to their senior year for fear of doing it too early and scarring the children again. The school board had clearly overestimated how interesting a town South Park was if they thought the majority of students weren’t already having sex.

Wendy approached Kenny in the halls, her eyes locked on her own schedule. “Why didn’t we compare earlier, Kenny? Do you have Spanish next period?” She looked up hopefully for a second.

“ _Claro que no_ ,” Kenny said in an appallingly American accent. “I dropped that class like it was _fuego_.”

“ _Caliente_ , Kenny. _Caliente_ is hot.”

“Do I have a reason to know anymore?” He looked over at her schedule. “I’ll see you in History, though. I have to find someone else who has English first.”

Wendy looked heartbroken. “We don’t even have English together? That was our special time!”

“Wendy, we read next to each other in silence the whole time.”

It was no use. Wendy had been texting Kenny nonstop with her fears about senior year changing everything. It was silliness. As if junior year hadn’t already changed everything. What could get weirder? Kenny didn’t anticipate getting a crush on Eric Cartman anytime soon.

Wendy’s bottom lip was quivering dangerously, and Kenny put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “You have absolutely nothing to worry about. If you thought Token, Bebe and I based our friendships on what classes we shared, you don’t know us at all.”

It was the wrong thing to say.

“I don’t know you at all?” She practically wailed in the hall. Students were beginning to give the two of them strange looks. Kenny realized vaguely that they probably thought they were watching a couple’s fight.

Kenny, fishing for a way to calm her down, ruffled her hair. “Come on, bud. Senior year should be fun! Don’t worry about who you have class with.”

“That’s easy for you to say! Stan and Kyle _both_ have English first. I bet you guys will have a _great_ time there _without me_!”

People were genuinely staring now, and Kenny couldn’t think of a way to appease her. His savior came in the form of Stan Marsh, walking down the hall with Kyle and Craig. Kenny practically gasped in relief. “Stan! Tell Wendy nothing will change if we don’t have _every_ class together.”

Stan looked uncomfortable, like diffusing the bomb that is a girl’s emotions was world’s beyond his skill level. “Er. There, there, Wendy. Atta girl.”

Kyle covered his mouth with his book to hide his smile, but Craig just scoffed. “You guys are awful at calming people down,” he said, always in that detached tone he took with everyone. Pushing Kenny out of the way, he planted himself in front of Wendy and put his hands on his shoulders. “Okay. Eyes. Look at my eyes. _Get it together_.”

Wendy gaped at him, clearly expecting better. Kyle clamped a hand over his mouth to stop his laughter.

Craig shrugged. “Well, beats me. That always works on Tweek.”

“Tweek has it _so_ together,” Stan snarled. “You’re doing a _great_ job.”

“Tweek’s fine.”

A loud squawk from down the hall revealed that Tweek had just spilled a cup of scorching coffee on himself. Craig clenched his jaw and gave a perfunctory nod to the group before setting off to help him.

“They’re the worst,” Kenny observed like he was watching a movie. “Do you feel better now, Wendy?”

Wendy was just standing on her toes to look at Tweek over Stan’s shoulder. “Maybe Tweek has Spanish with me! I’m going to go check!” She walked quickly after Craig, not bothering to say goodbye to the group.

“Absolutely insane,” Stan said. “She didn’t care about _any_ of these people a year ago, and now she’s acting like she’d rather lose a limb than graduate.”

Kenny smiled fondly. “I’m magnetic. You can’t blame her.”

Stan snorted. “Dude, fuck these classes anyway. Let’s focus on what’s really important – _when_ do you have Sex Ed?”

“I can’t believe your- our school is actually doing that for seniors,” Kyle remarked. Kenny had been a second away from narrowing his eyes warningly, but Kyle managed to catch the mistake. It had been a difficult process, but he was starting to accept that he was, like it or not, from South Park.

Kenny tugged his schedule out of his bag. “Eighth period with Token, Bebe, and Wendy. How about you guys?”

Stan held his hand up for a high five, and Kenny had to shake out his wrist to ease the stinging after it was over. “Eighth period! Maybe everyone has it together?”

“My mom said they’re rotating teachers every week so we don’t get, ah, tainted by any one particular teacher.”

“’Tainted’,” Stan echoed in disbelief. “Should I get you smelling salts for when you have to see a vagina for the _first time ever_?”

“I’ve seen a vagina!” Kyle snapped indignantly.

Stan and Kenny met eyes for a second, and Stan shook his head ‘no’. Kenny might have used this as an opportunity to be jealous if he weren’t so genuinely intrigued. “Have you, Kyle?” Kenny asked in a polite voice. “Whose?”

“Let me guess, let me guess,” Stan said. “She went to your boarding school.”

“But she’s _originally_ from Canada?” Kenny added.

“Fuck you guys!” Kyle’s cheeks and hair matched perfectly. It was Kenny’s favorite sight in the whole world.

“Just- just, okay, Kyle,” Stan stammered, trying hard not to laugh. “I’m going to hold my hands in a diamond, okay?” He demonstrated the diamond. “This is north. Where is the clitoris? No helping, Kenny.”

“North?” Kyle asked in horror.

Kenny pointed to where Stan’s thumbs met. “There’s the pudendum, if that helps you get your bearings.”

“Pudendum, very nice, Kenny.”

“I’ve seen _Superbad_.”

Kyle frowned at Stan then punched his fist through the diamond into his chest. Stan staggered backwards, and Kenny had to grab the locker to keep him standing as he laughed. “Kyle, I had _no_ idea you were like that.”

“You can both fuck off.” Kyle spun around and stormed down the hall, leaving Stan and Kenny to break into hysterics once again.

*

They had to meet in the auditorium for Sex Ed, confirming their suspicions that the whole grade would be together. Wendy had just finished Biology with Kenny, and Stan had promised that he would save seats for everyone together. When she got into the auditorium, though, the room looked eerily reminiscent of elementary school. None of the boys and girls were sitting together. Even Bebe, who Wendy honestly forgot was friends with the other girls in school, was with Heidi and Red in the upper leftmost corner of the bleachers. She waved Wendy over eagerly, and Wendy looked longingly towards where Stan was sitting with Kyle. A few rows back, Token and Clyde were staring curiously at Bebe.

Kenny’s hand brushed Wendy’s waist, subtly directing her towards the boys’ bleachers. As she crossed the room, Red cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, “Scab!”

Wendy stepped away to go sit with the other girls, but Kenny grabbed her wrist and steered her towards Stan and Kyle. “You’re really not choosing to sit by Token and Clyde?” Wendy asked under her breath.

“This is for your sake,” he responded. “If you thought I liked sex, multiply that by eighteen years of not getting laid. That’s Clyde.”

Wendy’s mouth parted in horror, and Kenny nodded wisely.

“Wendy!” Stan called, gesturing to the empty seat next to him. Kenny sat down on the opposite side of Stan next to Kyle, and Wendy wondered for a happy second if the seat had been kept open for him.

Kyle immediately leaned towards Kenny and whispered something furiously in his ear. Kenny’s eyebrows shot up, and he looked over his shoulder with clear interest. Following his gaze, Wendy saw Eric Cartman sitting in the row behind them with Butters at his side. Cartman met Kenny’s eyes and made some sort of crude hand gesture that Wendy couldn’t understand. Kyle looked angry, but Kenny laughed calmly and turned back around. He whispered something back to Kyle, but he remained sulky.

Cartman, never one to let sleeping dogs lie, cleared his throat loudly. “Hey, Jew Boy. Think they’re going to start with AIDS? Awful lotta faggots at this school that need to be enlightened, aren’t there?”

Stan sighed like this was a typical interaction he didn’t care to repeat, and Wendy felt an incredible rush of guilt for actually trying to date that bigoted hunk of pudding in ninth grade. It was nothing if not her most humiliating memory.

Kyle opened his mouth, but Kenny interrupted, “Do you think the best way to prevent the spread of STDs is to get enormously fat and repulsive? Why even teach us about condoms, right?”

“Ay! I’ve gotten an STD!”

Kyle elbowed Kenny. “I don’t need you to fight Cartman for me!” He turned back to look at Cartman. “The spread of STDs isn’t an appetizer, Cartman.”

Cartman looked between the two of them, a smile growing on his face. “Oh, shit, you two are _fucking_ , aren’t you? I thought Kenny only went for people who could give him money or good grades. You seem too frugal to afford even his cheap self, Kahl.”

“Spend a lot of time thinking about how much I cost?”

Stan dropped his forehead onto Wendy’s shoulder. “At least they haven’t just regressed to petty name call-.”

“You’re such a Fatass, Cartman!”

“At least I’m not a stupid Jew!”

“Okay, they’ve regressed,” he sighed deeply and raised his head. “Guys, stop it! You’re both sinking to Cartman’s level.”

“You and your bitch girlfriend can stay out of it, Stan. Speaking of, how is Wendy’s virginity doing? Should I check on it?” Cartman looked disgustingly triumphant.

Stan did not look moved at all, but both Kenny and Kyle looked away from Cartman to stare blatantly at Wendy. Kyle whispered something in his ear, and Kenny shook his head in amazement.

“It was never proven that wasn’t just a particularly wiggly roll of fat, Cartman,” Stan snapped. Wendy choked a little.

 “There was nothing wiggly about it!”

Kenny seemed to realize it was rude to keep staring at Wendy and muttered something to Kyle before looking back at Cartman. “I think he meant a rock hard, eight inch roll of fat. Does that sound better, Cartman?”

“You’re both just jealous that I-.”

Wendy spun around in her seat, determined to put an end to the fight. “Cartman, the only person who wants that much blubber is Captain Ahab.”

No one laughed – exactly the reaction Wendy had been hoping for. Eventually Kyle started snickering and muttered, “It’s the guy in _Moby Dick_ ,” to Kenny.

Cartman scoffed, “Chicks ruin arguments,” and turned back to Butters.

Stan pressed a kiss to Wendy’s forehead. “You’re such a nerd.”

“I thought it was a good one!”

The lights in the room were flickered to catch the students’ attention, and Wendy quieted down. A screen for a projector descended, and the first slide of a PowerPoint presentation was set up with some struggle from the teacher. A hapless teenager was holding a tampon away from her like it was a dead rat with the text “So you want to know about puberty?” underneath it.

Kenny let out a low whistle. “Do you think they meant to give this presentation to us in seventh grade?”

“Hah, you didn’t hit puberty til seventh grade?”

“Fuck off, Stan. Your voice dropped like last year.”

“Yeah, but my balls dropped ages before then.”

Kenny gave Stan a doubtful look, but he didn’t say anything. The teacher tapped a mic a few times. “Okay, class. Welcome to Sexual Education. This year, we’ve decided that you are all mature enough to deal with mature subjects in the presence of the other gender. If you prove me wrong, I will not hesitate to separate the classes.”

Stan squeezed Wendy’s hand. “It’s not the same if we can’t be humiliated together,” he whispered in her ear.

She squeezed back. “I know. Kyle and I have a bet on how long it will take for you to vomit.”

“It’s a bit late for this presentation, but it’s important to know that not everyone in the grade may have reached puberty already! You are at a complicated age when-.”

“Hah! Who hasn’t reached puberty?” Cartman asked loudly. “What an asshole!”

The teacher stammered. Clearly she had never taught Eric Cartman before. “I didn’t mean a particular student.”

“I bet it was Clyde! Clyde, was it you, you asshole?”

Wendy sighed. “There’s no way boys and girls are getting through this class together.” Stan gave a resigned little nod.


	3. The SAT

Kenny sat cross-legged on the floor of the gymnasium, slowly picking at a granola bar that Wendy had discarded due to nerves. Around him, Token was leading Bebe in a botched attempt at meditation, and Wendy was flipping through flashcards at lightning speed. She would occasionally snatch the flashcards away from Stan to make sure he was only accepting her answer if she got absolutely _every_ definition or punch Kyle in the arm for effortlessly jumping in with answers whenever she struggled. Craig was guzzling almost as much coffee as Tweek with dark bags under his eyes, and Clyde had his face hidden in his hands, a position he had not moved from for some time.

It was September 16th, better known as the day of the SATs. Kenny looked around the room in quiet appreciation of how anxious one test could make all his classmates. A lazy smile spread across his face as he watched Kyle bite his nails nervously, looking over his notes on trig functions.

Wendy looked away from ‘remuneration’ to glare at Kenny. “Be chiller, will you?”

He grinned. “No can do, Wendy. This test doesn’t matter for shit.”

Kyle’s neck almost snapped as he looked up. “Yes, it does! How do you expect to get into college? Also, compensation for work, Stan.”

Wendy looked enraged. “What did I say about answering my questions, Kyle Broflovski? Hm? What _did_ I say? I said don’t do it! Do you remember that? Try to remember!”

Kyle snorted and looked back at Kenny. “It’s a really important test for your future!”

Kenny nodded in mock enthusiasm. “I’m sure the gas station will be _stoked_ if I get a 2400. That’ll really seal the deal.”

Kyle shot him a dirty look and turned back to his notes. His eyes didn’t move over the page, and eventually he sighed deeply and scooted over to Kenny so he could put the notes in front of both of them. “Try a little bit.”

Kenny gave a little shrug but tilted the page so he and Kyle could both see.

“Bigot,” Stan quizzed dutifully.

Kyle looked up. “Eric Cartman!”

Wendy sighed deeply like it was taking all her patience not to kick Kyle’s ass. “A prejudiced person.”

“Again,” Kyle said with a smirk. Kenny raised a hand for a high five, but Kyle was already back to studying.

Stan flipped to the next card. “Abrogate.”

Wendy froze. She shook her head minutely, and Kenny poked Kyle in the ribs to put her out of her misery. “Deny or repeal,” he said without missing a beat, and Wendy grabbed the card and stuck it on a very small stack of the words she hadn’t known.

Kenny yawned, stretching his spine and losing interest in studying very quickly. “Hey, Tweek, let hit that coffee.”

Tweek gasped and pulled it protectively into his chest. “Get your own!”

“Hey, Craig, let me hit that coffee.”

Craig surveyed his coffee like he was thinking deeply. He swirled it around in his cup then smirked at Kenny. “What will you give me for it?”

“Are you kidding, Craig? Stop being a bastard.”

Craig shrugged. “No coffee for you, then.”

“Craig, you can’t share your coffee!” Tweek squeaked. “There are all kinds of germs in Kenny’s mouth!”

“I thought a dog’s mouth was one of the cleanest places on the planet,” Stan said without looking away from Wendy.

Kyle glanced up, clearly trying to hide his amusement under a mask of annoyance. “Craig, you’re being really _obdurate_.”

“Did I ask for the word in a sentence, Kyle?” Wendy snapped, swatting at him with her stack of flashcards. “C’mon, Stan, let’s go study somewhere else.”

“Too late for that,” Kenny replied, stifling another yawn. At the front of the auditorium, a teacher with a familiar lollipop head was tapping on a mic and receiving horrible feedback that made the students in the first rows groan and cover their ears. Kenny snatched Craig’s cup smoothly and finished it before Craig realized what had happened.

Tweek looked like Kenny had broken his heart, and he generously extended his cup to Craig. “You get one sip.”

Craig was clearly struggling not to laugh as he took a small sip of the coffee and passed it back. “I don’t take it black anyway.”

Tweek deflated even more. “I know you don’t,” he said sadly. “Everyone has flaws.”

Clyde lifted his head from his hands to look from Tweek to Craig. “This is the nicest I’ve ever seen you two be to each other.”

Craig flipped him off. “We’re very nice to each other. I think you’re confusing Tweek with you.”

Clyde sighed. “Wouldn’t that be something,” he said dreamily.

Craig, a testament to how stressed and sleep-deprived he must have been, started laughing. “Oh, fuck, shit,” he cursed as coffee poured out his nose.

Without looking up, Kyle mumbled, “That happens to me, too.”

“I think your body just isn’t used to laughter,” Kenny said helpfully. “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it before.”

“Sometimes when I fall down,” Clyde offered. Craig laughed like he was imagining Clyde falling all over again.

“Great times, dude. The greatest.”

Mr. Mackey tapped the mic again with feedback so loud that Bebe’s eyes flew open in shock. “There goes my Zen!” She cried angrily. Token reluctantly opened his eyes a few seconds after her.

“Is it over? Is the SAT over?”

Kenny shook his head, and Kyle said, “Token, you look lachryomose.”

Wendy threw down her cards angrily. “I swear to God, Kyle. One more vocab word, and I will _end you_. Your miserable existence ends today.”

“Don’t. Fuck. With Wendy. Testaburger,” Stan said in a high-pitched imitation of her voice. Wendy pointed at Stan like he had proved her point perfectly.

“You wanna be a spaceman, Kyle? Wanna go in a rocket to the _center of the sun_? We can make that happen.”

“I wanna be a spaceman,” Craig whispered to Tweek.

Tweek patted him on the shoulder. “I know, Craig.”

“M’kay, students. We’re ready to get started. Let’s all take a deep breath together. No, actually take it, Eric. I’ll wait.” Bebe sucked in a deep breath and held it in her cheeks like a blowfish. “When I read your room assignments, you have to leave, m’kay? No hanging out with your friends. No sneaking a peek at some flashcards, m’kay? Just go.”

Wendy rubbed her eyes. “Thank God we’re not still in elementary school.”

“Is it possible that elementary school _envenomed_ you, Wendy?”

“Say goodbye to your loved ones, Kyle. It goes down today.”

“Bye, Stan,” Kyle said with a small wave.

Bebe had a coughing fit in which Kenny was almost positive her heard “Bye, Kenny”. He smiled at her gratefully.

“If your last name is between Allen and Larsen, please go to room 101, m’kay?”

Kenny could see Clyde going through the alphabet under his breath, and Kyle gave him a disgusted look as he climbed to his feet. “Your last name starts with ‘D’.”

Clyde stood up and dusted off his clothes, extending a hand to help Token up from the floor. Kyle sneered unattractively as he watched Butters pushing Cartman to his feet and set off across the room. Kenny looked after them in mild confusion as Nichole Daniels hung back from Milly and Annie to greet Kyle and walk with him out of the auditorium.

Bebe looked like she had thought the exact same thing. “Are they friends?” She asked, looking around the circle until she settled on Stan as the one person who would know about Kyle’s life.

Stan deliberately avoided meeting Kenny and Bebe’s prying eyes, and Kenny felt inexplicably cold. “They just both really like basketball,” Stan said finally.

“Marsh through Stevens, room 103,” Mr. Mackey called.

Kenny leapt to his feet eagerly, hoisting Bebe up uncomfortably by her armpits. Bebe wiggled angrily but allowed him to help her to her feet. Stan kissed Wendy quickly and followed the two of them out of the room. David Rodriguez slapped Stan on the back welcomingly, and he winced.

Kenny could just hear “Stoley through Valmer” before he exited the auditorium. He walked backwards in an effort to see Wendy standing up, but he couldn’t find her in the back through all the students.

*

Clyde looked like a broken man as he walked out of the room after the Reading section. He approached Token quickly, and Token extended his Luna bar to Clyde to take a bite.

He waved it away. “That stuff is for chicks.”

Token extended the Luna bar, knocking at Clyde's face with it.

Clyde scowled. “Oh, I get it. Very funny. Clyde is a woman in man’s clothes. Very original. I don’t get that from Craig every day.”

Token raised an eyebrow. “Did I say a man’s clothes?”

Clyde sulked, and Token gave him a nudge as Kyle and Nichole walked out of the room, already deep in conversation about the focus of the third passage.

“I’m just worried I messed up ‘focus’ and ‘theme’,” Nichole was saying. “Because it was kind of about his stress about hosting friends, right? But I didn’t chose that one. Fuck, I choked so badly. I know I bombed that section.”

Kyle was just nodding vaguely to agree with different points she made like he wasn’t really listening. He was probably running through equations in his head, Token thought in annoyance. Token had no problem with Nichole. She was cool and nice, and he had dated her for a few years when they were kids. She was still a good friend of Bebe’s. Token really didn’t want another cool person to fall for Kyle. That kid needed someone to deflate his ego, and Kenny wasn’t going to do it.

“I’m a little too upset to worry about Kenny’s silly crush right now, Token,” Clyde snapped, apparently trying to tug out his hair by the fistful. “Teach me math. We have ten minutes.”

“Nine, now,” Token murmured, still watching Kyle and Nichole. “That just can’t be good.”

Clyde shrugged. “It probably isn’t. Anyway, to go from sine and cosine to radians – is that the word? Do I multiply by 2pi?”

“It’s going to degrees, Clyde. They’re called degrees. And I have no fucking clue. Can’t your calculator do this?”

Clyde pulled out a scientific calculator miserably, and Token let out a laugh like a bark before he caught himself. “Oh, Clyde. God damn you. I think I have a second graphing for if I run out of batteries.”

Clyde looked at Token like Jesus was standing in front of him. “Actually? Why do you own two graphing calculators?”

Token gave him a look that clearly said _I don’t talk about how much money my family has_. He gave a lopsided shrug and grinned at Clyde. “Don’t ask questions. Just benefit from it. And care about the things I care about.”

Clyde nodded quickly. “So Kyle and Nichole, huh? That’s pretty _fucked up_!” He said loudly. His forced excitement was too ridiculous to Token.

Kyle turned away from Nichole to look around the other students curiously. “Did someone say my name?” He asked finally. Nichole frowned a little. “Cartman? Any comments?”

Even Cartman was muttering vocabulary words under his breath, Token noticed. People genuinely took this test seriously. He supposed Cartman was actually very smart even if he usually put those brains towards way to exterminate the Jews. Wendy must have seen something in him to date him for those months.

Kenny had mentioned something about Cartman and Wendy’s virginity. Shit was fucked up. Token had always assumed it had been David to deflower Yung Wendy.

“No comments, Jew,” Cartman called back, barely glancing over. He did a double take. “Actually, yes. You’ve found the wrong kind of minority, Kyle. She’s not even a fag. You have nothing in common.”

Nichole flushed. “Shut up, Cartman,” she said quietly.

Kyle shook his head. “Being meek won’t get you anywhere. _Shut up, Cartman!_ ”

“Oho, how gallant, Kyle. You’re truly a prince among kings.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, tubby!”

“Tubby? Fuck you, Kyle. I have a wrestler’s build.”

“Sumo wrestler, maybe.”

“Sumo wrestling is cool!”

Kyle rolled his eyes and turned back to Nichole. “Just ignore him. I shouldn’t have engaged. It was my fault.”

Nichole nodded, casting Cartman a wary glance.

Token looked at them one more time then turned back to Clyde. “Kenny doesn’t find out about this until we figure out what’s up,” he said in a warning voice.

Clyde nodded. “Can I tell absolutely everyone else?”

“You can tell Craig. It’s not like he’ll talk to anyone but Tweek.”

“He’ll talk to me!”

Token almost banged his head against the wall. “Yes, Clyde, but you see how that doesn’t matter because you’re the one who told him?”

“I’m just saying. Don’t act like Craig doesn’t talk to me.”

Token actually banged his head against the wall.

“You too, brother?” Milly Larsen asked in the southern accent she should have shed years ago.

“Me, too,” Token agreed sadly.

*

Two fucking sections down - more than halfway done. Bebe was _nailing_ sitting through this exam. She was doing horribly on the actual questions, but she had definitely been present for the test. No one could deny that.

Kenny was miming smoking a cigarette with his pencil, huddled in a little group with Stan and David. When Bebe exited the classroom, he extended an arm for her to duck under and brought the pencil to her lips. “It helps get rid of cravings,” he explained. “I’m actually pathetic.”

“You are,” Stan agreed.

Bebe took a drag of the pencil and pretended to cough. Kenny hid a laugh behind his hand, and David smiled at her.

“How’d the test go, Ms. Stevens?” David asked in a deep voice.

“Simply atrocious, Mr. Rodriguez,” she responded in a similarly haughty voice. “One might say I was a blunderbuss.”

“Kyle would say you were a blunderbuss,” Kenny said with a grin. He turned back to Stan. “Okay, here’s one. Kenny is to alligator as teacup is to…?”

Stan rolled his eyes. “They don’t even _ask_ questions like that anymore, Kenny.”

“Is it skillet?” Bebe asked excitedly.

Kenny’s jaw dropped. “It _was_ skillet. Jesus Christ, Bebe. We spend way too much time together.”

She brought a pencil to her lips and blew ‘smoke’ into his face. “No such thing, Kenny. Our time together is precious, and I treasure every moment of it.”

David shook his head. “I can’t tell if you guys really love each other or are just sarcastic assholes.”

Bebe and Kenny exchanged a look. “Little of both?” Kenny suggested, and she nodded the affirmative.

“Okay, Kenny, here’s one for you,” Stan said. “You are renowned for your tangents. Define.”

Kenny rolled his eyes. “You could do a better insult with SAT words. I am well-known for going off the subject. Stan has blue balls because Wendy is abstemious.”

“That’s not credible, Kenny.”

“Stan’s boners are ephemeral.”

“Kenny Is a lampoon of a student.”

“Stan has a tenuous grasp of this vocabulary.”

“I rescind my offer to study with you.”

Kenny scoffed. “Rescind. That’s really a five-dollar word, Stan. I’m impressed by your lackluster attempts at studying.”

“If it’s on the flashcard, it’s in play. Stop deliberately trying to obfuscate me.”

“Aha!” Kenny cried. “Mistake, mistake! Obfuscate is a noun!” The others were quiet, and Kenny looked around pleadingly. “Obfuscate is a noun, right?”

David shook his head in disappointment, and Stan looked triumphant. “Verb! It’s a verb! I win this game of SAT Vocabulary!” He and David fist bumped, and Kenny growled a little and flipped him off.

“Maybe you were thinking of ‘abstruse’?” David asked helpfully.

“My words were all better than yours anyway. You took the easy route to winning.” He crossed his arm against his chest and looked around in annoyance. “I did a _good_ job.”

Stan grinned. “Are your feelings hurt? Your feelings are totally hurt.”

“I abhor you, Stan Marsh!” Kenny snapped. “You are a harbinger of misery with your blatant words.”

David sucked in a breath. “People don’t really use ‘blatant’ to mean ‘obvious’ in that sense. You’re zero for two, Kenny.”

Kenny tugged his hoodie over his mouth and glared at the group. Bebe patted his shoulder comfortingly. “I didn’t know that either, Kenny.”

He looked at her like this was not a great relief to him, and she smiled winningly.

Stan rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m done with this anyway. I can study the vocab with Wendy all day; it’s not going to actually stick for the exam.”

“Hold on to hoping,” David said encouragingly.

“I don’t think that’s the idiom, David,” Bebe corrected. “Maybe it doesn’t translate from Spanish?”

David pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes; it was an old habit of Stan’s that most of his friends had caught on with most of his friends. “Bebe, come on, you know I’m not from Mexico originally, right? We’ve been over this so many times before.”

Bebe grinned. “Show me the fucking birth certificate, David. Show me the birth certificate.”

Kenny punched the air. “Make America suck again!”

“When did America not suck?” Stan asked like he genuinely wanted to know the answer.

Bebe looked at a loss, but Kenny answered without second thought, “Bill Clinton.”

David laughed. “What a fucking bro.”

“And the economy!” Kenny said enthusiastically. “Hey, I have big news in a big way,” he said, forcing some excitement into his words. Bebe looked at him quizzically, and Stan’s expression of nausea he got whenever the world at large came up in conversation faded a bit. “I took the internship! Wendy helped me find some kids I could tutor after school on the days I’m not in the lab.”

"Are we not doing segues anymore? That makes things easier," Stan said.

Bebe practically knocked him over with a hug. “My little Kenny has a future! You little champion! Token and I will have so much time to fuck without feeling bad for not hanging out with you!” She broke away, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “This is such a win for every party involved.”

 

The door to the classroom opened, and Ms. Carters stepped out into the hall. Her gaze slid over the students, landing on Kenny with narrowed eyes. Bebe bit down on her bottom lip to keep from smiling. Ms. Carters, the sophomore and junior English teacher, absolutely hated Kenny ever since he showed up for Christmas Story day with his magnum opus, _Anyone Can Be an Asshole_. Her dislike from Kenny was second only to Eric Cartman, who bypassed Kenny’s immaturity and moved straight into bigotry and shock humor.

She cleared her throat, still eyeing Kenny angrily. “Can everyone file back into the classroom? The Writing and Language section is going to begin in two minutes.” She tapped on her watch warningly, and Kenny sighed.

“Everyone ready for some abasement?” Stan asked in resignation of his fate. Kenny flashed him a thumbs up before he entered the classroom.

*

Wendy cursed her last name. What she wouldn’t give to be spending these breaks with Stan, Bebe, and Kenny. The middle letters really had it all, didn’t they? Instead, she had stood silently in the hallway with Craig and Tweek while they passed a never-ending thermos between them and listened to Red admirably holding up a conversation on her own.

The three major sections of the test were done. All that was left was the essay, and a fair amount of students got to leave without taking it. Butters waved happily at her as he and Kevin Stoley disappeared. Lola Thomas and the Turner sisters had turned in their Language sections early just to get out of there as fast as possible. Wendy was left behind with no one but Craig, Red, Tweek, Jason Stoley and Jimmy Valmer.

She rubbed her arm nervously. She had been trying to think of ways to make conversation with Craig all day, but it was like talking to a brick wall, and she suspected putting Tweek on the spot would freak him out.

Red had never seemed like a particularly talkative person. Wendy knew her from the rare times she hung out with any of the girls besides Bebe and Nichole, and Red had always seemed aloof. It was the Tucker genes in her, and Wendy couldn’t deny that it suited her better than it did Craig.

It might have been a nervous tic, she supposed. Everyone dealt with the stress of exams the same way - becoming unbelievably annoying. Red had recapped every section of the test in painful depth before moving on to dissecting what she expected of the essay section. “So, I heard that you can sort of just learn three pieces of evidence and manipulate them to fit any prompt they give you. I reread _Catcher in the Rye_ last night. I hated every minute of it, but I did it. Besides that, I don’t really know what I should do. I suppose we’re learning about the Cold War in history right now so that seems like a good one, right? We haven’t learned very much about it yet, though. This school really doesn’t prepare you super well, does it?”

She wanted to plug her ears, but Red had said a few helpful things before the past few sections so she was willing to listen.

“Red,” Craig said finally. “I’ve listened to you because you’re my cousin. Your time has run up. Talk about something else.”

Red looked affronted, but she nodded. “Kevin and I broke up last night. He always cried when he-.”

“Nope. Put your conversation topics on shuffle. I’m not going to hear about Kevin in bed.”

Red laughed loudly. “I was going to say watches movies!”

“Were you really?”

Red shook her head. “No, I was going to say during sex. You’re really limiting the things I have to talk about, Craig. I’m not that good a conversationalist.”

“I know you aren’t. You haven’t been doing very well at covering it up.”

Red sniffed and crossed her arms. “Fine, Craig. I know it helps your fragile sense of self to tear other people down.”

Tweek looked at him curiously. “Oh. Is that why you do it?”

Craig glared at him, and Tweek held his hands up in a ‘search me’ gesture.

Red inspected her nails carefully. In an offhand voice, she asked, “Are we getting high after this test or what?”

“What makes you think you’re invited?” Craig asked. “You’ve insulted me to the core today. And I’m pretty sick of hanging out with you. I’ll see you at the next family reunion.”

Red scoffed. “As if the Tuckers have family reunions. Come on, Craig. Invite me with you!” She smiled coyly. “I’ve always wanted to know what sort of things go on at Kenny’s house anyway.”

“We sit in silence, punctuated by Clyde being an idiot, and smoke,” Craig said dully. “There’s nothing that would impress you.”

She grinned. “Kenny impresses me.” She turned to Wendy. “Wendy, am I invited?”

“What? Um, sure. Okay.” Wendy looked at Craig desperately, and he frowned at her. Wendy was getting tired of none of the girls in school wanting to hang out with her. Jenny Simon had once cruelly described her as ‘having a stick shoved up her ass that’s also in the mud’. It had been crude, but Wendy always appreciated a well-done mixed metaphor. Still, Wendy didn’t _think_ she was uptight. She didn’t think Kenny would want to be best friends with an uptight nerd.

It was only slightly off-putting to hear a girl talk about Kenny like she was _interested_ in him. Somewhere in the back of Wendy’s mind, she knew girls were. Kenny was attractive, fun, and available technically. From the way Bebe used to talk about him before Wendy had become his friend, he had slept with most of the girls in the senior class. And the two senior classes before him. Also, some of the boys. Kenny had slept with a lot of people, but he’d simmered significantly in recent months.

She wasn’t sure how much of that was due to Kyle. Realistically, it was probably a lot. Wendy had never heard about anything close to Kenny having a crush on someone. Over the summer, Wendy had received one text that he ‘wanted to sleep with a girl he worked with’. She had received a message the next day that he ‘had slept with a girl he worked with’. The girl had never come up again. Wendy didn’t even know her name, but it concerned her that Heidi Turner had worked at the same restaurant as Kenny.

Red grinned at Craig. “Well, Craig, I suppose I will _see you there_.”

Craig looked at her blandly. “Can you stop trying to get in my friends’ pants, please? You fucked up Kevin Stoley for me forever.”

“I want to share my life with you!”

“You told me about his dick! I _never_ wanted to know if my friends are circumcised or not. That is not necessary information to me. What did you want me to do with that information, Red?”

Wendy had to admit, she was a little impressed by how much Red had gotten Craig to talk. Wendy didn’t think she had every heard him string together more than a sentence or two for anyone but Tweek. She had a hard time imagining any conversation between him and Tweek.

Red winked. “I wanted you to save it for later so that every time you tried to look at Kevin, you’d think, ‘that boy has a sweater’.”

Tweek made a gagging noise, and Wendy looked at him sympathetically. It shocked her how crude the South Park girls were sometimes. Then again, there must have been some connection between them and Bebe if she had managed to keep up a friendship with them for so long.

The teacher opened the door, and Craig looked beyond relieved. “Well, Red. Pleasure talking to you as always.”

“Don’t miss me too much. We’ll have _hours_ to hang out tonight.”

Craig looked horrified, but Tweek tugged on the hem of his shirt to bring him to the classroom, and Craig acquiesced. Wendy was past expecting a ‘good luck’ from them.

Before she could turn to enter the room, Red touched her arm gently. “You don’t mind if I go for Kenny, do you? I know that last year you two were, you know?”

Wendy blinked at her a few times. She always forgot that people thought she and Kenny had dated. People had come to accept that Wendy and Stan were here to stay, but she still saw the occasional calculating look as she talked to Kenny in the hallway.

She shook her head mutely, and Red beamed at her. “Perfect! Plus, we all know he likes redheads.”

She strutted past Wendy, oozing confidence from every pore of her body, as Wendy stood there and wondered how much of her friend’s life was common knowledge among the girls of South Park High.

*

Kenny got out of the exam at the same time as Group 1. Bebe had elected not to take the essay portion of the exam so Kenny was stuck with just Stan. Maybe that was mean. Kenny got the privilege of having no friend to walk with other than Stan.

The door to classroom 101 opened, and a haggard-looking Kyle stumbled out of it. Token and Clyde were on both sides of him, looking a bit shifty. Token glanced over his shoulder to examine the other students leaving the classroom, but Kenny only saw Nichole with pencils stuck cutely into her bun. He waved at Nichole, and she waved back happily.

“Hey, Kenny, good test?” She called, spinning around to walk backwards.

Kenny grinned. He liked her. She was warm and smart; actually, she reminded him quite a bit of Wendy, and that was the biggest compliment he could give a girl because no one could be Bebe except Bebe. “2400, Nicki baby. How about you?”

She rolled her eyes and waggled her hand between a thumbs up and thumbs down. “How good was it really going to be, though?”

“Truer words.”

She waved again. “Bye, Kenny, Stan. See you, Broflovski.”

Token and Clyde exchanged another look; it was surprisingly bitter of them to care about not getting a ‘goodbye’ from Nichole. They barely knew her. Token had dated her, but they’d been prepubescent. Granted, Token had been prepubescent with the voice of a grown man, but it was still long enough ago that there was almost no connection between the two of them.

Stan’s strangled “Bye, Nichole” was equally weird. Kenny wasn’t sure why all his friends were acting so strangely around her. Yes, she was very hot. Yes, she was a bro. They still both had amazing girlfriends. If anything, Clyde should be the one making a fool out of himself. That was his M.O. with most of the girls in the class.

Kyle just waved, and Nichole turned around to disappear down the hall.

Token was shooting Kyle dirty looks. He really should have been over that grudge by now. Kyle was all of their friend. He came as a package deal with Stan, and Token had bonded with Stan almost immediately.

Kenny clapped him on the shoulder. “Why so serious?”

“Your Joker voice leaves something to be desired,” Token responded darkly.

“I make up for it with an impeccable Batman impression.”Kenny cleared his throat and tried again. “ _Let’s put a smile on that black kid_!” He pushed up the corner of Token’s lips into a forced smile, and Token sputtered indignantly.

The doors to the school flung open as Kyle laughed loudly and said, “I always thought the Joker looked like a pussy next to Professor Chaos. He’d kick Mysterion’s ass any day.” Bebe stormed inside.

“Where have you assholes been? Everyone else left the building already! I put out my cigarette to come find you!” Bebe looked around angrily. “I was worried sick!”

Token kissed the top of her forehead. “Kyle was just sharing his horrible taste in Supervillains.”

Bebe glared at Kyle. “What, do you like the Puffin?”

The boys froze for a second, and Stan asked, “Are… are you kidding?” before the five burst out laughing.

Bebe looked confused. “The Green Surfer? I don’t get it.”

Stan smacked his face. “You’re not even trying.”

Kenny had fallen against the wall to keep himself standing while he laughed, and Kyle slammed a hand down next to his face for support, almost burying his face into the crook of Kenny’s neck to muffle his laughter. Kenny’s breath caught for a second, then he remembered that Bebe really thought ‘the Puffin’ was a supervillain, and nothing else seemed important anymore.

“I think,” Kenny wheezed, “I really think the Green Surfer might be the only one of the lot who could kick Mysterion’s ass.”

Bebe was puzzled. “Who is Mysterion?”

“Who _is_ Mysterion?” Kenny corrected.

“Who _is_ Mysterion?”

Token ruffled his hair. “C’mon. Let’s go find you Wendy so it’s not five against one.”

Kyle was still gasping for breath. “Bebe, is your favorite superhero Feline Woman?”

Bebe shot him a dirty look. “You boys think you’re _so_ smart because you wasted your childhood reading comic books and playing in Tupperware costumes. I bet you can’t name _any_ of the Little Ponies.”

Clyde opened his mouth, and Token shook his head warningly. He closed it again. “I definitely can’t.”

Token wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders as they strode down the hall. He whispered something that sounded suspiciously like ‘Penguin’ into her ear, and Kyle and Kenny exchanged eye contact, struggling to keep from laughing.


	4. Swear By the Moon and Stars

Work was going to start today, and Kenny hadn’t been able to track Kyle down to tell him they’d be doing it together yet. Kyle seemed to have mysteriously disappeared since the day of the SATs. Kenny was confused. He would have expected Kyle to vanish _before_ the SATs. That could easily be explained by studying. Now? There was nothing to it.

He was pretty sure Kyle had seen him in the hallway and walked the other way, but it was always possible Kyle just hadn’t seen him. It was the only answer Kenny wanted to hear. He had already spent half a year with Kyle ignoring him, and he knew how Kyle acted. The kid didn’t face his fears unless pushed into doing it.

Kenny had been too proud to ask Stan, which meant, of course, he settled for badgering Wendy about it constantly. She always gave him the same answer – Kyle was probably busy working on college applications. That made sense. No one else seemed busy, but Kyle put a lot more pressure on himself than the average student.

That wasn’t totally true, though. Kenny had seen Wendy more than ever. Stan, on the other hand, seemed to genuinely be avoiding Kenny. He wasn’t being mean. He would always greet him cheerfully, kiss Wendy on the cheek, and disappear quickly down the hallways.

Kenny had never felt so anxious in his life.

He was going to track Kyle down whether he liked it or not (the latter being more likely). That was why Kenny was currently leaning against Kyle’s locker so he couldn’t possibly get his books without addressing him. Unless he had already gotten his books. That was a flaw in Kenny’s plan. He normally had to go by his own locker to get his books before attempting to track down Kyle.

He had a free next period though, and nothing was going to stop him from loitering. His face lit up unconsciously as he saw Kyle weaving down the hall with Stan at his side. Stan paused and nudged Kyle’s arm, and Kyle’s face crumpled in defeat. Kenny’s smile faltered for a second. He was definitely being avoided.

Stan said something to Kyle, looking weirdly angry, and walked down the hall in the opposite direction. Kyle sighed and approached his locker.

“Hey, Kenny.” Had his voice always been so flat?

Kenny cocked his head to one side. “You _have_ been avoiding me.”

“No, dude. I’ve been really busy with applications,” Kyle recited.

Kenny let the topic drop. He was too excited to share his news. Maybe Kyle would act normally once he found out they’d be able to hang out in an academic setting. “I took the internship. I couldn’t find you to tell you earlier.” It sounded more accusing than he would have liked.

Kyle’s eyes widened. “You took the internship?”

Kenny nodded, not liking the expression on Kyle’s face one bit. Was it guilt? He should feel guilty. Kenny didn’t like being ignored. It made him cycle through every shitty thing he had ever done that could have possibly pissed the person off, and there were more than he cared to admit to himself.

“Oh. Cool.” Kyle looked down the halls nervously then back at Kenny. “We start today. Will you be there?”

“That is, more or less, what I’ve been saying.”

“Okay. Cool,” he said again. “That sounds good, Kenny. You know it’s going to be boring, right? We’re just going to do data entry. It’ll probably be silent the majority of the time. Do you have a resume to put it on?”

Kenny raised an eyebrow. “Wow, sound more like you’re trying to talk me out of it. You _told_ me to accept it, Kyle.”

“No. No. I’m excited. That’s, um, great, Kenny. I’m glad you’re putting a bit of effort into your future.”

“Dude.”

Kyle looked down the halls again. It was starting to seem like he was looking for someone, but Stan had left, and who else really talked to Kyle? Kenny did, but Kyle didn’t talk to Kenny. All of Kenny’s friends did, but they were _Kenny’s_ friends. He just happened to loan them to Kyle. “This is great. I’ll see you there, then?”

Kenny was getting a sinking sensation somewhere in his stomach. “Okay, Kyle. Want to work on your English essay with me, Stan and Craig after school?”

“I thought his name was ‘Craig and Tweek’,” Kyle said wryly. “And Tweek isn’t his real last name?”

Kenny grinned. “Fair point. The fairest. Want to work with me, Stan, Craig ‘and Tweek’, but not Tweek ‘and Craig’ during eighth period?”

“I would, but I can’t.” Kyle smiled softly like he was actually sorry.

As he rightly should be. “What’cha doing instead?” Kenny asked in a sing-song voice.

“Um, eating.”

Kenny frowned. “You just ate. Look, I can see your lunch box in your hand. Incidentally, why do you still carry your food in a Terrance and Phillip lunch box? People might start thinking you’re a nerd, Kyle Broflovski.”

Kyle gasped. “A nerd? Really? Me?”

“Your street cred will be shot.”

“I should just invest in a sweater vest now and accept my fate.”

“That’s silly. Where would you fit it amongst all your other sweater vests?”

Kyle glanced down at himself like he was checking to make sure he wasn’t wearing a sweater vest. Kenny had thankfully never actually seen him wear one. It might eliminate his crush on Kyle for good. It could also make it worse than ever, depending on how adorably socially inept he looked.

Kenny usually liked girls for being the coolest in their friend group. They didn’t necessarily have to be cool; they just had to be the best option in a close radius. This Kyle thing was totally inexplicable, and Kenny was kind of starting to understand Token’s frustration with Kenny.

“Don’t worry, Kyle. Your cardigan makes up for the sad, sad lack of sweater vests today.”

Kyle was trying to stifle a smile. Kenny was totally getting somewhere. “My mom bought it.”

“Well, if Sheila thinks it’s good. You must be the most handsome little man on the planet, huh?”

“She doesn’t talk like that.”

Kenny shrugged. “I’m just using my imagination to guess how affectionate parents act. A compliment from my dad is, like, ‘you look less like a drug dealer than usual today, Kenny’.” Kenny prided himself on his impressions. He’d been working on Stuart since the dawn of time, and it was one of the best in his trophy case.

Kyle smiled sympathetically. “You really don’t look like a drug dealer. He hit the nail on the head with that one.”

“As if I could afford to look like a drug dealer. Besides, I thought he would know what a weed dealer looks like. Mine answers the door in a Snuggie. In case you want to buy me a Christmas present, you know?”

Kyle laughed loudly then succumbed to the same guilty expression as earlier. “I’ll keep it in mind. Look, can I get into my locker? I actually do have class next period, and I’m already late.

Kenny was a little proud he had distracted Kyle enough to make him late, and he instantly felt bad. He _was_ a bad influence. “It’s cute you know my schedule,” he taunted.

Kyle pushed him out of the way. “Be more annoying?”

Kenny grinned widely. “It’s also cute you’re starting to talk like me. You haven’t gotten the inflection right, though. It’s ‘be _more_ annoying’. Not a question.”

“Dope. I’ll keep it in mind.”

“I couldn’t be prouder right now. This must be how Stan felt the first time you said ‘dude’ since you got back.”

“Word.”

Kenny clapped his hands delightedly. “You’re so _good_ at it, Kyle! This is great! A whole new dictionary is opening up to you!”

“Urban dictionary?”

Kenny tapped his nose. “I’ll see you after school then?”

Kyle grinned and nodded. “Yeah, see you then.”

Kenny felt a little giddy as he walked away. That conversation took a turn for the better, and he was pretty sure that Kyle was glad he hadn’t turned down the internship. Kyle didn’t _show_ those feelings at all, but Kenny could read between the lines.

*

Kenny had forced Token and Bebe to open themselves up to a bunch of new friends since junior year ended. Token liked Wendy. They had never really bonded, but he couldn’t deny that she was a good friend and overall cool person. He did not especially like Kyle, and he didn’t think the majority of his friends did, but they would tolerate him for Kenny’s sake. The only person Token was really glad he had gotten to know was Stan.

He wasn’t sure when it happened. He must have stopped to say ‘hi’ to Stan in the halls once, and it evolved into a normal conversation. From there, it just sort of grew until Token could safely say that Stan was more a part of his life than Craig and Clyde.

That’s why it wasn’t necessarily weird that Stan was speed walking down the hall towards Token. It was more just unlike him. Stan didn’t ruffle easily, and he looked incredibly frazzled as he grabbed Token’s wrist and pulled him into a private corner.

“Hey, Stan,” Token said hesitantly. “Everything good with you?”

“With me? Yes. Great. Thank you for asking.”

“It’s because I care.”

Stan looked over his shoulder nervously then turned back to Token with a shockingly intense gaze. “It’s not – I’m going to cut to the chase here. How much do you know about Nichole Daniels?”

“Um, she’s black?” Token guessed. “Did Cartman do something?”

“No, I think the Jewish freshman has been distracting him lately. I meant more about Nichole and Kyle.”

Token thought back on it. He vaguely remembered seeing them together the day of the SATs a few weeks ago, but he hadn’t noticed anything weird since. “They’re friends? By the way, Stan, this isn’t cutting to the chase. Cutting to the chase is telling me what happened without asking unnecessary questions first.”

Stan frowned at him, completely unamused. “Okay. I’ll _actually_ cut to the chase. Kyle and Nichole have been dating for, like, a week.” Token’s mouth opened in surprise, and Stan nodded wisely. “I have no _fucking_ clue how you guys haven’t noticed yet. Are you high all the time or do you just not care about anything but yourselves?”

“Both.”

Stan groaned and ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think Kenny had figured it out yet. Kyle might be trying to keep it secret at first. I have no fucking clue what he’s told her.”

“This is… disconcerting? Is that the word I’m looking for?”

“There are a lot of words that would work in this situation. Kenny hasn’t seemed weird at all?”

Token shook his head mutely; Stan groaned.

“Fuck Kyle!”

“I… concur,” Token said hesitantly. “ _Really_? I always thought Kyle was actually gay. This is for real?”

Stan nodded somberly. “No jest.”

It was starting to hit Token exactly _how_ bad this was. Kenny had complained a bit about Kyle being aloof during their job and avoiding him in the halls, but Kenny was _always_ complaining about Kyle. Token had learned to tune it out.

At least Kyle had the decency to try to disengage. That was good of him, Token supposed. He had caught him laughing in the halls with Kenny a few times, but in general Kenny had been with Token and Bebe more than he had in the first few weeks of school.

Token hadn’t really seen Kenny genuinely unhappy when it wasn’t about Kyle or, on occasion, his parents. Token thought hating his parents was a much more valid complaint, but Kenny will do as Kenny will do.

This was going to suck.

“This is going to suck,” Token said blankly.

“So much, dude. So much sucking. All the sucking.”

Token barely had time to smile at Kenny’s specific way of talking catching on with nearly everyone in his social circle. It was endearing. It made everyone sound dumber than they were, but it was endearing.

“What can we do?”

Stan cleared his throat. “Well, I’ve assembled a short list of ways we can get out of this situation without anyone getting hurt. First, we could get Nichole expelled so she’s forced to switch schools?”

“For sure no one is getting hurt there,” Token agreed.

“Second, we kill Kyle. I know a guy who will do it for free.”

“Cartman?”

Stan frowned. “It is Cartman, yes. He’ll cover his tracks!”

“Kyle’s your best friend, dude. And everyone’s first guess if he died would be Cartman. Be realistic.”

Stan looked back at his list. “We can have Cartman tell Nichole that Kyle is his gay boyfriend.”

“Lots of boys’ boyfriends are gay. Redundant and mildly offensive adjective.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “ _And then_ , if Kyle tries to stay together with her, we can have Cartman crash a basketball game, go on the jumbotron and sing to Kyle so that Nichole has no choice but to end it for the sake of their budding love.”

Token gaped at him. “There’s no way Cartman would do that.”

Stan looked at him seriously. “He already has. To Nichole, specifically.”

Token puffed his chest proudly. “Was that when she chose me over Kyle?”

“You seriously don’t remember Cartman singing on a jumbotron but _do_ remember a girl choosing you after one date with another boy? In fourth grade?”

Token shrugged. “I care about what’s important.”

“Well, that actually does bring me to option 4, in which you date Nichole. Possibly a polyamorous relationship?”

Token paused like he was actually considering it. “Honestly, Bebe might be down. Good idea, Stan. Put a star next to it.”

“That’s the end of my list.”

Token snorted. “ _That_ was the best you could do? Let Bebe and I smoke, and we’ll come up with a million better ideas than having Eric Cartman break them up. Also, why are you so cool with ruining your best friend’s relationship? You’re kind of a horrible friend, Stan.”

Stan spread his arms wide in frustration. “Kyle’s a horrible friend! He won’t even tell me why he’s doing this! I know there’s some weird secret, and I’m a trustworthy dude.”

“Hence you talking to me behind his back about him.”

Stan frowned. “He pushed me to this. I was given no other option. Look, dude, we _both_ know he likes Kenny. It’s the most obvious. If we need to enlist in Cartman’s help, I say we _go talk to Cartman_.”

“Wow. You really mean business, don’t you?” Token was impressed. Talking to Cartman was the worst case scenario in most situations. It was, unfortunately, often the scenario that yielded the best results. People got hurt and occasionally killed along the way, but Cartman got the job done.

“I’m doing this for Kyle’s sake.”

Token smirked. “Keep telling yourself that. How do you intend to get Cartman to help you, then? You’re dating the girl he’s _probably_ still in love with, and you ditched him as a friend in the fifth grade. Cartman hates you more than anyone.”

Stan shook his head. “Not more than he hates Kyle.”

“And why would he believe that you, his best friend, would ruin his relationship to spite Kyle?”

Stan grinned. “That’s why I’m talking to you.”

*

“Token, this isn’t going to work, and you’re going to embarrass yourself and Kenny. Just stop and think about it. Cartman _knows_ you’re dating me. We make out in the hallways, like, a rude amount of the time.”

Token sighed. “Blacks belong together, Bebe.”

She looked horrified. “You’re actually going to say that, aren’t you? You’re going to tell him blacks belong together?”

“I practiced saying it with Stan a few times to make sure I won’t grimace when I say it. Look at my smile, Bebe. Look at it. _Blacks belong together_. See that? That’s an hour of hard work right there.” He gave another benign smile to prove his point.

Bebe crossed her arms petulantly. “Okay, well, you’re babying Kenny. He wouldn’t like this if he knew. He’d want us to march up to him and say ‘Kenny, Kyle has ducked into the closet that is Nichole’s pussy.’”

Token paused as they neared the back of the schoolyard where Cartman could usually be found making a freshman’s life hell. “You fully intend to phrase it like that, don’t you?”

“I figured I’d get him laughing before the severity of the situation kicks in.”

Token looked around the side of the school and ducked back. “Okay, he’s there. You need to go. I can’t be seen with you.”

Bebe rolled her eyes. “For the record, I _hate_ this plan, and when you continue dating me, Cartman is going to realize something’s up, and he’s going to tell Kyle because Cartman ruins everything. I can’t believe you and Stan thought enlisting in his help was a good idea. This is offensive to Kenny, and I am offended on his behalf.”

“What Kenny doesn’t know will hurt him a lot less than what he could know. Go, Bebe.”

She sniffed. “I will go. And when I go, I’ll tell _Wendy_ what you’re doing.”

“Wait, Bebe!” Token called as she stormed off to school. “Don’t tell Wendy!”

She spun around, going so far as to stomp her foot. “Because when Wendy shits on this plan, you’ll believe it’s a bad idea? And you know she’s going to? Listen to me!”

Token clenched his jaw. “Fine. Tell Wendy. Let _everyone_ know behind Kenny’s back.”

“You can’t guilt me! You should feel bad about yourself!”

“I don’t see you offering to go break the news to Kenny!”

Bebe looked shifty. “Well… maybe your plan will work.”

“If I’m a coward, you’re a coward.”

She flipped him off and disappeared through the doors. A sick feeling spreading throughout his body as he realized that Bebe was probably right. Kenny deserved to know the truth, and he deserved to have friends who would tell him the truth.

Token had never been good at sharing his feelings. If this was what it would take to get Kenny out of the situation unscathed, he would do it. He sucked a deep breath in and approached Cartman, feeling slightly nauseous.

Token sat down next to the behemoth silently and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering one to Cartman then lighting one for himself. This was a bad idea. This was the worst idea.

“Everything sucks,” Token said finally, going on the script Stan Marsh had clearly written.

Cartman looked at him doubtfully. “I don’t really want to listen to you whine.”

“I gave you a cigarette!”

“Touché. I guess you can talk about why your pussy life sucks.”

Token sighed theatrically. “Bebe and I broke up.”

Cartman looked impressed. “I thought you two were attached at the face.”

“We were. And at the pelvis.” God, he hated Stan’s script. He should have never agreed to this. If Wendy would get on board, she was the one with the most influence over Cartman. “I’m in love with someone who will _never_ love me,” Token sighed.

Cartman groaned. “Oh, God, I don’t care so much.”

Token frowned. “Fine! Nichole didn’t care either!”

He waited for Cartman to perk up. He did. “Nichole? Actually? I thought you guys had broken up.”

Token nodded miserably. “I don’t know why! Blacks belong together!”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Token.”

That was because he had said it, but Token wasn’t going to push his luck now. “She’s _dating_ someone _else_ ,” he practically wailed.

“Snap out of your little tantrum,” Cartman demanded. Something had lit up in his eyes. “Who is she dating?”

“That motherfucking Semite, Kyle Broflovski.”

Cartman took a drag of the cigarette thoughtfully. “I don’t think I’ve given you enough credit, Token. You’re not so bad for a negro.”

Token bristled. “Yeah. Don’t you just… hate Jews? They’re the,” he breathed deeply and recited robotically, “worst thing since Muslims.”

Cartman nodded appreciatively; Token couldn’t believe Stan’s blatant pandering was actually working. “I can help you, you know? I broke up Kyle and Nichole last time.”

“Did you really?” Token feigned surprise.

He grinned. “One of my better moments.”

“All your moments are great.”

Cartman shook his cigarette at him approvingly. “I can help- Oh, it’s our ex-butt buddies at 10 o’clock.”

Token looked to the left, and Cartman corrected his positioning with a meaty hand on top of his head. “I might have gotten my o’clocks wrong.”

“It happens to the best of us,” Token murmured. “Bebe! Wendy! What are you doing here?”

“Hi, Wendy.”

Wendy scowled at the two of them. “I can’t _believe_ you, Token.”

“I tattled!” Bebe said.

“God dammit, Bebe, I was getting somewhere!” Token cursed.

Wendy prodded him with her foot. “You are going nowhere except back into school until I undo the damage you’ve done.”

Bebe jerked a thumb over her shoulder, but Token sat firmly. “Bebe. You aren’t allowed to boss me around anymore, you… nagging bitch.”

Bebe choked on a laugh, and Wendy glared at Token. “Token, this is an awful idea!”

“Don’t be jealous, bitch,” Cartman muttered. “God damn. I knew getting involved with you weirdos was a bad idea. I’m out of here.” He winked at Token, and Wendy hit him with her bag.

“You aren’t going to do anything, Eric Cartman! I’m putting an end to this before you fuck up anyone’s life again!”

Cartman shrugged. “Sure, ho.” He glanced at Token. “Thanks for the cigarette, soul brother.”

Once he left, Bebe moaned and buried her face in her hands. “I can’t _believe_ you, Token.”

Wendy looked very serious. “This was actually your dumbest idea to date, Token. You could have done irreparable damage to Kyle’s relationship and Kenny’s pride.”

“Well, to be fair, doing damage to Kyle’s relationship was, you know, the point?”

“Okay, think about it like this: Now Eric Cartman knows about Kyle and Nichole before Kenny does. All of us know. He’s more out of the loop than _Clyde_. Stan’s having his birthday party Friday, and Kyle will be there. I suggest you two man up and tell your best friend something he _might_ not want to hear before I do it.”

Bebe and Token exchanged a loaded look.

“Okay,” Bebe said after a pause. “You do it, Wendy.”

“Yeah, take it away, Wendy.”

Wendy screamed in frustration and stalked off in the same direction Cartman had left. Bebe and Token were quiet for awhile.

“I’ll rock, paper, scissors you?” Bebe asked.

Token shook his head. “Nope. Nope. This isn’t us being cowards. Kenny should find out from Kyle.”

“Right!” Bebe said immediately. “This is all Kyle’s fault!”

Token nodded briskly. “And until Kyle mans up – because, again, we’re good friends who have done nothing wrong – we just need to keep Kenny away from Nichole until this runs its course.”

They high fived and set off back to school.

*

“Usually when people throw a party where they only play 90s music the whole time, they make it 90s-themed,” Wendy said lightly as she leaned back against the drink table. “Or Sublime-themed.”

“With a sprinkling of Oasis power ballads,” Kyle added, pointing up in the air like they could see the song playing.

“My _apologies_ to the peanut gallery.” Stan paused to give Wendy a stern look as she dissolved into a fit of mocking giggles. “I don’t throw themed parties.”

“That’s because Stan is too straight to dress up,” Wendy stage whispered to Kyle. Kyle nodded understandingly.

Wendy had found out that, to her displeasure, she actually liked Kyle a lot. Even worse, she might prefer Kyle with Nichole at his side. She felt like a horrible friend for thinking it, but Nichole was really cool.

She couldn’t think of a better way to describe Nichole than “game”. Nichole was game to do anything anytime.  It was refreshing to meet someone who was always down for an adventure when the majority of Wendy’s friends were more than content to sit in Kenny’s room for hours at a time.

Even better, Nichole was _also_ down to sit in someone’s room all day without complaining once. She had fun wherever she was, and Wendy wasn’t sure why she hadn’t bothered to befriend Nichole ages ago when she distinguished herself as the second smartest girl in school.

In retrospect, that might have been why Wendy didn’t like her. She should have guessed that.

But now Wendy was unthreatened, and she liked Nichole a lot. She probably liked her better than Kyle, and she wished that they could have become friends under any other situation because, the way things were now, Wendy had no choice but to hate her and Kyle for what they had done, and failed to do, to Kenny.

She took a long sip of beer, trying to forget about the promise she had made to tell Kenny about the new relationship before Stan’s birthday party. She wanted to tell herself that Kyle was being an asshole and Bebe and Token were being cowards, but Wendy was being an asshole and a coward, too. Everyone was. This was some serious bystander effect, and Wendy had always privately assured herself that, if she had been one of the bystanders, Kitty Genovese wouldn’t have died.

Now she was pretty sure that she would have died with or without Wendy Testaburger.

She was snapped out of her thoughts by Stan giving her a nudge. “Do you think people are actually sick of Oasis and Sublime?” He asked in a small voice.

Wendy surveyed the room skeptically. Stan was popular, and he had a lot of booze. That was the most that could be said for the party. Most of the girls were sitting on Stan’s couch, faces perfect masks of boredom, and Wendy was pretty sure she would hear Kenny yelling “What the actual fuck, Stan?” as Wonderwall came on for a second time.

Nichole looked over from Kyle to beam at him. “It’s your birthday, Stan. Play whatever music you want. Maybe, just, only play each song once? Does that sound fair?”

Kyle shook his head. “I think it’s nice for parties to have a refrain, you know? So often people only play songs once in a night. It’s a refreshing change.”

“I feel really safe knowing that, no matter what, Champagne Supernova will come back,” Nichole agreed. She and Kyle struggled to look expressionless until Kyle snorted, and the two of them sank into a fit of laughter.

“They’re just such _stupid_ bands,” Kyle gasped finally.

Nichole was actually holding her sides as she struggled to stop laughing. “He sounds like a punk Austin Powers.”

Stan looked affronted as she and Kyle sank into another fit of laughter. “His name is Noel Gallagher!”

Kyle managed to get his laughter under control, but Nichole had to settle for just burying her face into his arm and shaking silently. Wendy’s lip twitched, and she noticed Stan looked a lot less gloomy than he usually did when Kyle was with Nichole. This was great. Everyone should be drunk all the time! People would be so happy!

“Oasis is the Beatles of the generation in between us and the Beatles!” Wendy said sarcastically, wrapping an arm around Stan.

“No, that’s Jet,” Kyle corrected, and Nichole nodded.

“Definitely Jet.”

Stan let out a quiet breath. “Oh. It is Jet.”

Nichole gave Stan’s arm a light punch. “I’ll change the song, okay?”

He nodded sadly, and Kyle had to duck his head to hide a smirk from him as he and Nichole set off towards the speakers. Wendy and Stan didn’t say anything for a minute after they left until Stan turned his empty bottle over and shook out the drops speculatively.

“We should get another drink,” he said in a slow voice, like he was thinking deeply about every word.

Wendy rolled her eyes and handed him her half-finished beer. “Go wild, kiddo.”

“Oh, wow. Is this my present?”

Wendy gave him a sloppy wink then grinned mischievously. “Yeah. Probably.”

Stan finished the beer in one long sip and handed it back to Wendy like it was her job to get rid of the bottle. She scowled and set it carefully in the corner of the room.

They both scanned the crowd in silence, then Stan voiced the worry that had been plaguing Wendy all night. “Do you think it was a mistake having both Kenny and Kyle here? His friends aren’t doing a very good job of keeping them apart.”

“We’re his friends, too. I know what you mean, though. I’m pretty sure I saw Craig actually turn him around and push him in a different direction.”

Stan laughed a little, and they fell into silence again.

“She’s so cool, right?” He asked finally.

Wendy let out a sigh of relief. “I like her _so_ much! Thank you for saying it!”

Stan winced. “I feel kind of bad for trying to break them up now.”

“You should feel bad. That was fucked up.” Wendy groaned. “We’ve really fucked this up, haven’t we?”

“They’ve been together for over a week!” Stan agreed. “How the fuck do we explain that we’ve known for this long and haven’t said anything? Honestly, I think Kenny should be a bit more aware of this kid he’s supposedly in love with.”

“He has no reason to think anything weird is happening! Don’t make this Kenny’s fault!”

He shrugged. “I just think Kenny should pay a bit more attention to him.”

“ _You_ thought that I was dating Kenny for a semester.”

“Because I paid so _much_ attention to you. Kenny should be, y’know, wildly jealous whenever Kyle talks to anyone but him. This wouldn’t have happened if he were a little less confident.”

“So diplomatic, Stan.”

“I call it like I see it, Wendy. This is some serious hubris.”

“I feel like we’ve been spending the past two weeks trying to blame someone for what’s happening. I never considered that this might be all Kenny’s fault that every single one of his best friends is keeping a serious secret from him. It makes sense.”

Stan shrugged. “It’s not my fault. I’m Kyle’s best friend. This is out of my jurisdiction.”

Wendy was pretty sick of everyone having a rational excuse for not wanting to talk to Kenny. Bebe, who Wendy had to admit probably didn’t have the tact to talk to Kenny even though she was clearly his closest friend, didn’t want to be the one to make him sad. Token and Kenny never had serious conversations. Craig and Tweek were willing to tell him, but they had an even worse problem with tact. No one wanted Clyde to cry in front of Kenny. Stan was, as he said, Kyle’s best friend. Everyone was even less willing to bring this up with Kyle himself. It seemed like it was going to fall to Wendy, and she didn’t have Bebe’s excuse of not wanting to hurt Kenny. It had been Wendy’s _job_ to tell Kenny the harsh truths he didn’t want to hear.

“It has to be me, doesn’t it?” Wendy said quietly.

Stan smiled at her sympathetically. “I thought you might draw that conclusion.”

*

Bebe had been blocking Kenny from Kyle and Nichole for the whole party, and she was beginning to think Kenny was getting sick of her constant presence. She and Token had come in this a clear game plan. Bebe was to stick to Kenny like glue and make sure he only interacted with people worthy of her amazing best friend, and Token would patrol the party to turn the right people in the right direction and the wrong ones in the wrong direction. They had, in Bebe’s humble opinion, been doing a great job.

It hadn’t been easy to keep from Kenny at school. He had noticed Kyle pulling away from him at work, and Bebe was pretty sure his feelings were hurt. Moreover, Wendy was furious with the two of them for treating Kenny like a child. Still, whenever the topic came up, Wendy didn’t much want to be the one to tell Kenny either.

Luckily, Kyle and Nichole were pretty discrete. Bebe had seen them holding hands once in the general vicinity of Kenny’s locker, and she had deliberately crashed into the two of them football style. She was nothing if not resourceful.

Kenny was starting to get annoyed. He looked over Bebe’s shoulder, his face brightening in that telling way it always did. “Look, Bebe, I’m going to go say ‘hi’ to Kyle. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

She jumped in front of him and cried desperately, “No! You can’t!”

Kenny arched an eyebrow in a way that always impressed Bebe, who simply waggled her eyebrows in a way that made the whole room uncomfortable whenever she tried. “What’s wrong, dude?”

Bebe glanced over her shoulder. She might have been imagining a flash of dark skin, but she couldn’t risk letting Kenny go if Nichole was approaching Kyle. “I… I hate Kyle! You can’t go talk to him?”

He grinned a little, not taking her seriously at all. “Seriously? What did he do?”

“He, um, insulted my mom!”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Yes, and it really hurt my feelings!”

“What did he say, Bebe?”

“He said that my dad only likes her for her honkers! Direct quote!”

Kenny threw his head back and laughed loudly. “Kyle didn’t say that.”

“Stop making light of my sadness, Kenny! It’s really insensitive!”

He shook his head in disbelief. “Okay, dude. I’m just going to say ‘hi’. Can you handle ten minutes on your own?”

“It doesn’t take ten minutes to say ‘hi’!”

He grinned. If Bebe had actually been having a crisis, she would say Kenny was a horrible friend. Instead, she was the one who was a horrible friend as much as she hated to think it. “I might say some other stuff while I’m there.”

Bebe, at a loss, burst out into noisy tears. “Token and I had a fight!”

Kenny froze. “What? Actually? Bebe, why didn’t you tell me? What happened, dude?”

“It was horrible!”

Kenny’s hands clenched into fists. “If you don’t tell me what happened, I can’t go kick his ass.”

She buried her face in her hands, still skillfully positioning herself between Kenny and the general direction of Kyle. Luck was not on her side that night, though, because Token appeared from nowhere holding two beers. He offered one to Bebe, and Kenny looked at her skeptically. He had realized she was lying.

Bebe sobbed dramatically. “Token, what are you doing here?”

“What do you mean? I came to bring you a-.”

“Of course in Token Black’s world, we can just move on and pretend nothing happened! Everything is so _easy_ for you isn’t it?” She spread her fingers a little to stare at Token seriously from dry eyes. Token blinked at her then nodded a little, and she knew he understood.

“Bebe, I’m so sorry about… what happened. I’ll never do it again. I was a fool. Can you possibly find it in your heart to forgive me?”

Shit, she was going to laugh. She gulped it in, hoping it sounded like a suppressed sob. Kenny just looked confused, his eyes flicking from one to the other, waiting for someone to tell him what was going on.

“You can’t make it right that easily, Token! You never make time for me!”

Kenny looked unconvinced.

“And you said I wouldn’t get into a good college!” She wailed.

“Bebe, I want to make time for you! I think sometimes this transition from friends to, um, lovers was harder for me than it was for you! I’m still an immature little boy when it comes to matters of the heart!”

God damn, did Token have to sound like he was in a bad Victorian romance novel when they pretended to fight? He was going to blow their cover. “So make time for me! I never see you anymore!”

“Okay, um, let’s leave this party and go be alone? With Kenny, though?”

“Of course with Kenny!”

Kenny took a step back. “I think this might be between you guys.”

Bebe grabbed his hand. “Anything involving Token and I involves you! I need you there for me, Kenny! Please don’t leave me like this!”

Kenny blinked. “Okay, I think you guys might be being a little _overdramatic_ , but whatever, let’s go drink on the roof?”

“Let’s go drink on the roof!” Bebe said forcefully, practically dragging Kenny out of the room. “Bye, Stan! Have a great birthday!”

Stan looked away from Wendy and gave them a small wave. “You leaving?”

Kenny rolled his eyes in a _don’t even ask_ way, and Stan grinned. He held up a drink to them, and Kenny saluted.

Once they were safely a few blocks from Stan’s house and after a decent number of vague apologies from Token, Bebe said, simply, “Okay, I forgive you now.”


	5. Halloween

“We could do the 27 Club. That way Kenny could just be Kurt Cobain again.”

“I’m all for it. Token is clearly Jimi Hendrix?”

“Kenny’s hair looks way too clean to be Kurt Cobain. That took a week of dedication last year.”

“I want to be Amy Winehouse! Kenny can be Jim Morrison - you just need a pair of leather pants.”

“Those will be easy to find.”

“He looks more like Brian Jones.”

“That’s brilliant! We can straighten his hair.”

“I’m down with ditching this 27 Club idea.”

Bebe stepped back from her closet and tossed three pairs of neon leggings onto Kenny. He had just been lying there for hours while his better two thirds searched Bebe’s room for anything they could pretend was a costume.  “Okay, how about we be generic people from the 80s?”

Kenny tossed them on the floor decisively. “We’re better than that. I’ll keep brainstorming.”

“It’s not brainstorming to watch TV Halloween specials,” Token corrected. “You’ll just make us look like we’ve ripped off funnier people.”

Bebe clapped her hands together eagerly. “Close your eyes! I’ve got it, you guys!”

Kenny and Token shared a skeptical look before closing their eyes and turning away from the closet respectfully. There was the sound of Bebe crashing around her walk-in closet, and Kenny felt something get dropped onto his lap.

“Okay, you guys! I’m ready!”

Kenny opened his eyes hesitantly, glancing down at a shrunken Letterman jacket. He looked back at Bebe, who was now proudly showing Token a misbuttoned olive button down.

“Get it? Get it you guys?”

Kenny wrinkled his nose at the coat and tossed it onto the floor. “Yeah, I get it.”

Token looked doubtful. “I just think it’s kind of a cop-out.”

“How would I get laid as Clyde? And furthermore, I’m insulted you think that _I’m_ the Clyde to your Tweek and Craig. Bebe and I are clearly Tweek and Craig.” He kicked the jacket towards Token.

Token picked it up and put it back on a hanger. “We’re not going as our friends. It’s not cool. That’s Stan and Kyle shit.”

“Ten bucks say Stan and Kyle come as each other.”

“I’ll take that bet,” Token said, shaking hands with Bebe.

Bebe grinned and turned back to her closet. “What if we got four other people and went as the letters of LGBTQIA?”

Kenny sucked in a breath. “It’s almost funny how much we’re not going to do that. Token, I thought you were working on her political incorrectness?”

“I did! I’ve gotten her to stop making rape jokes! This doesn’t happen overnight, Kenny.”

Bebe pulled out a studded denim vest and held it up to herself thoughtfully. “I’d make a really good ‘L’,” she said wistfully. “And also, I’m _allowed_ to make rape jokes. I’m a female.”

Token frowned. “What did we say, Bebe? Remember? We said men can get raped, too.”

She turned back to wink at him. “I know. You reminded me this morning.”

Kenny roared with laughter. “Wow, she’s so well-trained, Token.”

“At least she included ‘IA’?”

Kenny nodded respectfully and paused the episode he was watching to sit up on Bebe’s bed. “Bebe, do you have a Sharpie and a sheet of black construction paper?”

Token turned away from the closet warily. “You better not be going as me.”

“No - what even -? I wouldn’t put myself in blackface _in sharpie_. Have you been in my neighborhood?”

*

Bebe pushed her way roughly through the crowd of people who had flooded Jenny Simon’s living room. She grabbed a beer that was nearly full from a table and looked around shiftily before chugging from it. She scanned the crowd again for Token and Kenny, but she came up short.

She had to settle for Clyde. Bebe grabbed him by his waist from behind and whispered “Heidi Turner and Jenny Simon are being an _angel and devil_ ” into his ear.

Clyde looked up, startled. “No _fucking_ way. God bless Halloween.”

He stepped back a little so Bebe could join his circle. She surveyed everyone’s costumes carefully - Clyde had clearly wasted his money on an elaborate cow costume, and Tweek and Craig were just old people with a pitchfork. Bebe was unimpressed. “Are you guys like Old McDonald and his cow?”

“With a _moo moo_ here,” Clyde sang, toasting Bebe with his Blue Moon. “I’m happy so many people think I’d be a part of their couple costume. No, they’re characters from American Horror Story.”

Craig rolled his eyes. “We’re the painting American Gothic.”

“You don’t understand what ‘goth’ means.”

“That’s what I said!” Clyde cried. “Craig thought he was _so_ cool.”

“At least I’m not a rapey cow!” Craig shot back.

Bebe looked back at Clyde. “It is kind of rapey, actually. I feel like I should sit on your lap at the mall.”

“Cow Days is my favorite holiday,” Clyde said happily.

Craig shook his head. “You haven’t seen rapey yet. Do you want some Franzia, Bebe?”

Bebe shrugged and nodded. “I don’t _not_ want Franzia.”

“Then you can either _get on your knees_ or _bend over_ and _suck it out_ of Clyde’s _udders._ ”

“It sounds _so_ much worse when Craig says it. Jesus, man. There’s a bag of Franzia in my udders for anyone who _consensually_ wants to suck on them. Girls like it! They don’t feel threatened!”

Bebe winced. “Swing and a miss, buddy.”

“Oh, fuck off, Bebe. Who the fuck are you?”

Bebe tapped on the ‘Hello, my name is…’ sticker on her chest. “Dave.”

“Is this some stupid thing you, Token and Kenny are doing that we can’t understand and wouldn’t find funny?”

“America finds it funny.” Bebe looked into thin air and made a face like she was shrugging at a hidden camera. “It’s better with Kenny and Token here.”

“Kenny’s not being Kurt Cobain again?” Craig asked interestedly. “Tweek, you owe me ten dollars.”

Bebe preened. “You guys bet on us? I am so _flattered_.”

“There’s nothing more Bebe and Token than you and Kenny having a couple’s costume,” Craig said.

“For the record, we made a triad costume. And Token _could_ have been a part of our Kurt and Courtney costume, but he thought coming as a gun was in bad taste.”

“Awful taste!” Tweek said, aghast.

“That’s one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard,” Craig agreed. “I assume it was your idea?”

“It wasn’t Kenny or Token’s idea,” Bebe agreed diplomatically.

“Speak of the devil,” Token announced, grabbing Bebe from behind. “We might have a bit of a situation on our hands.”

“You don’t say ‘speak of the devil’ for yourself,” Craig said scathingly.

“I’m not getting your costume any better, Bebe,” Clyde said, looking Token over with a puzzled expression.

“I’m three-hole punch Token,” he responded, gesturing at the three black construction paper circles taped to his shirt. “Get it?”

“No!”

“I didn’t either,” Token sighed.

“Shoot with your situation, babe,” Bebe interrupted, giving Clyde a dirty look.

Token looked over his shoulder like a man on the run. “We have an ouples-cay ostume-cay on the yle-Kay ont-fray.”

“Too many –cays,” Clyde said quietly, wrinkling his forehead.

“Couples costume on Kyle front,” Craig said. Clyde and Bebe both nodded immediately in understanding.

“Oh, fuck!” Bebe blurted out then seemed to reconsider for a second. “Is it a cute costume?”

Token grinned. “So cute! They’re Juno and Michael Cera from _Juno_. You should see Kyle’s butt in the shorts, too. Adorable.”

Everyone looked taken aback, and Token looked like he was replaying what he said in his head. “Oh! I hang out with Kenny, like, _a lot_.”

“I bet it was great, Token. Kyle’s butt has always been my favorite thing about him.”

Clyde smiled. “I _like_ them together. Is that bad to say? Kyle’s gotten exponentially more tolerable.”

Bebe elbowed him. “Stand by your friend, dude. Come on.”

“It’s been a long time,” Craig said. “You guys are digging a deep grave. It’s hilarious.”

Bebe sighed like Craig was slow. “We _know_ it’s been a long time. It’s been _too_ long. This is a ride we can’t get off of.”

“It’s really awful,” Token said in a mild voice. “I’m actually balding a little bit from the stress.”

“Shave it off,” Bebe said.

“I’m freaking out, Bebe,” Token said calmly. “Can you feel it? It’s all going to go down tonight.”

Tweek tugged on Craig’s shirt. “I think Token’s cracked!”

“He sure has,” Clyde breathed. “You need to breathe, dude. Just pretend you didn’t know.”

Bebe rolled her eyes. “Right. We have _those_ acting skills. Token, show them your surprised face.”

Token made a face like the boy in _Home Alone_ , and Bebe cracked up. “Simply terrible.”

“We’re fucked!” Wendy announced loudly, winding her way through the crowd of people. “Have you guys seen Kyle and Nichole?”

“I think I’m looking at Kyle right now,” Bebe said in an impressed voice. Wendy was wearing plaid pants, boat shoes, a whale belt, a collared shirt, and a bright red clown wig. “Did he let you into his closet?”

Wendy tugged on her shirt. “Yeah,” she said guiltily. “It’s not like anyone remembers my preppy phase.”

Craig rubbed his jaw thoughtfully. “This is a weird thing to do.”

Wendy rolled her eyes. “I’m proving a point. Stan wouldn’t dress up, so we’re being Stan and Kyle.”

“Do I get money for that?” Bebe asked Token, but he shook his head.

“It’s inspired, though,” Token said in an impressed voice. Wendy did a proud twirl.

“I think you guys should focus on this, ah, apocalypse of your friendship?” Craig said tactfully.

“This is a really seasonally appropriate fight!” Clyde agreed.

“We’re not having a fight!” Wendy snapped.

“Yet,” Token added, in the same eerie voice. “Craig is right. The end is nigh.”

“The end is not nigh!” Bebe said insistently. “We just have to stick to our original plan and _keep lying_.”

Craig shook his head in disappointment, and Bebe scowled at him. “Oh, like you’re so great.”

“I am,” he replied bluntly. “You guys are clearly losing your shit so I’m going to leave you to make it worse.”

“And _I_ am going to get laid,” Clyde said proudly. “It’s Halloween. If I can’t tonight, I can’t ever.”

Craig shook his head at Token and grabbed his pitchfork from Tweek before walking back towards the drinks table.

Bebe flipped off the back of his head then let her arm drop uselessly to her side. “Alright, huddle up, guys. It’s time for our contingency plan.”

“Tail Kenny and intercept him whenever he talks to Kyle?” Token asked hopefully.

“That idea was never going to work forever,” Wendy said. “I think we need Eric Cartman to break them up, like, now.”

“I knew we would!”

“You do look like your hair is a bit thinner,” Bebe observed.

Token nodded seriously.

The song ended, and Wendy tugged them over to a corner of the living room. “We need to tell him _now_. He’s going to find out from the wrong person.”

Bebe pointed between her and Token. “I thought we had decided _we_ were the wrong people. That’s why we’ve waited over a month!”

“I have no idea how we did it, honestly,” Wendy said in a hushed voice. “Kenny’s obliviousness is truly a gift from God. I don’t think he’s going to overlook a couple’s costume, though.”

Bebe raised her hand quickly. “I’ve got it! We get _Stan_ to dress up as Juno and pretend _they_ did a couple’s costume and that Nichole is just a pregnant teen!”

“We’re so fucked,” Wendy repeated in a broken voice.

*

Kenny, Wendy thought weakly, was doing a remarkably good job at keeping a calm exterior. He covered up a look of pure shock quickly, nodding his head encouragingly. “That’s awesome, dude. You guys are both hot and cool.” His voice sounded a bit too high, but Nichole didn’t seem to notice. Stan made a face at Wendy from over Kenny’s shoulder, and Wendy couldn’t imagine how horrified she looked at that moment.

“Thanks, Kenny! I can’t believe you didn’t know – you guys are such good friends.”

“Are we?” Kenny asked blandly. “How, um, how long has it been?”

“Like six weeks!” She laughed. “I’m honestly a little offended Kyle’s not bragging about it more.”

Wendy and Stan gave a few forced chuckles.

“Six weeks,” he echoed. “That’s really dope. The _Juno_ costumes were a great idea.”

Nichole grinned at him. “Thanks. Bookface is cool, too. I love _The Office_.”

“Oh, that’s what they’re doing!” Wendy said, forgetting the tension tightening up her muscles for a second.

“Jim Halpert’s costumes, yeah,” Kenny said in a distant voice. “I thought more people would get it.”

“It’s not exactly topical,” Nichole said teasingly. “But I suppose I can’t talk.”

“ _Juno_ is classic,” Kenny said. “If you’d excuse me, I’m going to go get a drink.”

Wendy thrust her beer into Stan’s hand. “I’ll come, too!”

Kenny stepped back, giving her a dark look. “No, thank you.”

Stan handed her beer back, and Wendy frowned at him. “Okay. Find me later?”

Kenny gave a brief nod and walked off into the crowd.

Wendy turned back to Nichole, plastering a smile on her face. “Are you feeling weirdly attracted to me right now?” She joked in a desperate attempt to break the tension.

“It’s like I’m looking at him,” Nichole agreed. “Are these his clothes?”

“Yeah,” Wendy lied through her teeth. “I need to find Token and Bebe real quick, but I’ll talk to you guys later, yeah?”

“See you around,” Stan said with a ‘sup nod.

Wendy sped off, looking for the two most nondescript costumes at the party. She wrinkled her nose as she passed Jenny Simon drinking some of Clyde’s creepy Franzia, but moved on without ruining his one win of the year. Bebe and Token were joking around with Kevin Stoley, but a look of quick comprehension crossed Bebe’s face as she read Wendy’s expression.

“Bye, Kevin,” Bebe said abruptly, cutting off his story. Token looked confused but allowed Bebe to pull him off with her and Wendy. “How’d it happen?”

“From _Nichole_ ,” Wendy said in a strangled voice. Token and Bebe let out broken groans at the same time. “Kenny mentioned that it was a cute coincidence that she and Kyle both went as _Juno_ leads.” They groaned again. “And she told him it was _weird_ he didn’t _know yet_.”

Token turned and punched the wall, and Bebe buried her face in her hands.

“I think we should have a moment of silence to appreciate how long we kept up this lie.” They both nodded. “And now we _really_ have to do damage control.”

Bebe clapped her hands. “Alright, team. What do we do?”

“I think _my_ favorite memory of Kenny was that time at the water park,” Token said sadly. “Our times together were so special, and I’ll treasure every-.”

“He’s not dead!” Wendy cried. “Do you guys really think it’s that bad?”

They nodded again

“Stop doing things in sync, okay? You’re going to drive me insane.”

“Token’s already been driven insane.”

“It’s true. I have.”

Wendy breathed out. “Okay. I think we should all join hands and pray that Kenny’s coping skills are going to come through this time.”

“Yeah!” Bebe said encouragingly. “Maybe it won’t be so bad!”

*

As often as Bebe had seen it in their freshman and sophomore years, she still couldn’t get over the weird itching feeling she got whenever she saw Kenny dancing with a girl. Kenny had a very unique way of flirting, which Bebe had experienced firsthand, and it made her feel more uncomfortable than watching when Clyde would grind behind girls.

Kenny liked to insinuate himself as the girl’s best friend for the night. He called it the “gay best friend two-step plan”. First, he established himself as harmless and comforting by approaching during a fast song, usually a throwback, and dance with her like an idiot for awhile. If he was allowed to smoke inside and really liked the girl, he would occasionally pull a joint out of his pocket, but it was a habit he’d dropped lately. He had found Red during Backstreet’s Back, which was supposed to be Kenny and _Bebe’s_ song to act like fools to.

Then, he moved on to phase two, in which he acted just like any other teenage boy with rap music on. Kenny was usually pretty trashed by the time he was willing to leave his friends, but he was being _weird_ tonight. It was the first time she had seen Kenny stop so they could get drinks. Kenny rarely got really drunk; he said it made him feel like his dad, and he preferred almost every other substance.

He stopped to talk to Clyde while they drank, his arm wrapped possessively around Red’s waist. Finally, Kenny tossed an empty can on the floor and tugged on Red’s arm to bring her back to where people were dancing. Clyde toasted him with his beer can, and Kenny made an obscene gesture with a backwards peace sign and his tongue. Bebe cringed, turning to report back to Token, and Red, having noticed him, laughed loudly.

Token, she realized, had also been watching him with a guarded look on his face. “And he _sticks_ the landing,” Token muttered under his breath, turning back to Bebe. “I’m through watching that.”

“It’s weird, right?”

Token nodded gravely. “I guess Kenny’s back?”

"We still _had_ Kenny.”

Token looked back over his shoulder skeptically. “Let’s just, you know, let him have this for a bit. If it keeps him from being mad at us, I’m all for it. We’ll intervene if he goes off the rails.”

Bebe looked into her beer sadly. “I don’t want to have to intervene.”

“I think there’s a,” Token paused to think carefully, “seventy percent change he goes on a bender? But there’s a ninety percent chance it finishes within a week.” He gave a forced smile. “I’m willing to take those odds.”

“I can’t believe we thought we could hide it from him.”

“To be fair, _everyone_ tried to hide it from him. Kenny doesn’t have the best coping skills.” He gestured with his beer to where Kenny was attached at the face with Red. Bebe made a face, and Token nodded wisely. “No one wanted to make _that_ happen.”

“Red’s great.”

He gave her a look. “Not what I meant. Kenny’s going to regress for a bit and come out all the wiser.”

“We should be getting stoned on the roof and listening to that really sad Drake song all night! _That’s_ how you cope.”

“No, Bebe, that’s how _you_ cope. This is just Kenny doing his thing, and we should let nature take its course.”

“He’s mad at us! Kenny’s never mad at us!”

“That is not yet proven. He’s not _talking_ to us. Maybe he’s just too drunk to know who we are.”

“That’s actually kind of likely. He doesn’t look like he has _any_ idea what’s going on.”

As one, they both turned to look back at Kenny and Red. Kenny usually did a good job of hiding how drunk he got, but he tended to get betrayed by eyes completely devoid of any spark whenever he had blacked out. He had definitely blacked out.

“Red looks _skanky_ ,” Bebe whispered in an approving voice. “What do you think she’s being? Schoolgirl?”

“She has cat ears, Bebe.”

“I think she’s being a schoolgirl.”

Red pulled back to whisper something to Kenny, and they both laughed with their foreheads pressed against each other. Bebe made a noise like she had a hairball, and Token glared at her.

“Be supportive. Also, those were some definite whiskers drawn onto her face. I called it.”

“I’m not going to support this! This sucks!”

“No, _we_ suck. We played this all wrong, and we have to face the music.”

“This is the attitude that got us into this mess!”

“No, the attitude that got us into this mess was pure laziness about doing the hard parts of a friendship,” Token corrected. “This is the attitude that’s going to let this mess blow over. Kenny will pump a few out.”

“Ew.”

“And everything will be back to normal in a week.”

Bebe flinched as a hand clapped her on the shoulder and whirled around to face a victorious Clyde.

“Guess who touched Jenny Simon’s boob?”

“Just one of them?”

“How’d you blow it?”

Clyde glared at him. “I didn’t ‘blow it’.”

Bebe made a skeptical face, and Token said in a wheedling voice, “Tell us.”

“We really need a laugh,” Bebe begged. She pointed towards Kenny, and Clyde grinned.

“Good for him. I thought she was into chicks?”

“Chicks and Kenny,” Bebe said. “She’s been on that since she and Kevin broke up.”

“Plus, everyone knows she has a ton of threesomes.” Clyde and Token high fived on Kenny’s behalf.

“Oh, Token, we should-.”

“I’ve already planned it. Do you think Stan and Wendy are on rocky ground?”

“ _Wendy_? _That’s_ who you’d choose?”

“Is that not who you want me to choose?” Token asked slowly.

Bebe deflated. “No, that would be the best night of my life.”

“Right?”

Bebe was pretty sure she and Token both drifted off for a second, imagining what could have been if Stan Marsh weren’t perfect for Wendy. He was pretty hot; Bebe wouldn’t object to a couple swap. They were a little too clean cut and perfect not to have some weird fantasies.

No, Stan and Wendy definitely had the most vanilla sex on the planet. Bebe couldn’t fool herself into thinking her dreams would come true.

But _maybe_.

Token knocked at Clyde with his shoulder. “Don’t distract me with my wildest dreams. What did you do to scare Jenny off?”

“Can we play the game?” Bebe asked excitedly, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “I think you tried to motorboat!”

“ _I_ think you tried to drink wine out of your own udder. And failed.”

Clyde looked incredulous. “On the first guess? Really, Token?”

“Ding, ding, ding, ding!” Token said victoriously. Bebe gave him a begrudging high five.

“Do you think Kenny’s going to resurface tonight? Craig wanted to go smoke down by the pond after this,” Clyde said.

“It’s fucking freezing outside,” Bebe protested.

“Drink more.”

Bebe thought this over then nodded. “Yeah. I guess that would work.”

“Plus, it’s not like we can go to Kenny’s house. Not that many people are allowed to smoke indoors.”

“God, I _hate_ the outdoors!”

“We should wait for Kenny anyway,” Token said. “He found out everyone knew about Kyle.”

Clyde gave Token a sympathetic smile. “In that case, he’s definitely not going to resurface. I’ll go issue the invitation if you guys want, but there’s no chance he’s not going to stick with Red all night.”

“I want you to go issue the invitation just because I can’t _believe_ you’d interrupt them,” Bebe said.

“Watch me go. Pond in twenty minutes though, okay?”

“Maybe, sure,” Token agreed. “Go, go.”

Bebe watched in amusement as Clyde punched Kenny’s arm to get his attention. It took about thirty seconds to get him to disengage, but he was laughing when he looked at Clyde. Clyde explained something and gave Red an approving thumbs up. She laughed, and Kenny nodded.

“Oh, dude, he can’t be that mad if he’s going,” Bebe said in relief.

“ _That_ is not Kenny. That is Blackout Kenny, and he’s always a delight. We’ll see real Kenny tomorrow.”

Bebe looked sad for a second, but she shrugged. “Let’s go chill with Blackout Kenny, then.”

*

Kenny blacked back in two hours later, his whole body wet and cold and his head in someone’s bony lap. He blinked sleepily and wriggled around on the ground, ascertaining that he was outside somewhere. He looked upwards into strands of long red hair, and he lifted his hand to run his fingers through it. A blurry face looked down at him and smiled, scratching his head.

He basked in the attention for a second then pushed himself up to figure out where he was. He rubbed his eyes and stared at two figures on the one bench Stark’s Pond had until Tweek and Craig came into focus. Also sprawled on the ground were Clyde, Token and Bebe. Kenny twisted around to come face-to-face with Red. That was a cool development.

Red looked at him for a second then grinned. “ _And_ we’re back!”

“Did my eyes resurrect?”

“They sure did. How long were you out for?”

Kenny tried and failed to remember the night. “It’s nice to see you tonight, Red.”

She laughed. Clearly Kenny talking intelligibly had caught people’s attention, and everyone started looking slightly wary of something. Bebe and Clyde looked a little too sympathetic.

“How ya doing, Ken?” Clyde asked in an overly cheery voice.

Kenny assessed his state in interest. People seemed worried. His world was spinning a little uncomfortably, and he felt a bit seasick. His chest hurt badly like all the muscles were strained. He frowned. He supposed it wasn’t too bad. The missing memories were giving him a weird feeling, but no use worrying with that now.

“Pretty good. How are you?”

He gave a small smile, but it sank quickly. “Good to hear, dude. You remember the night?”

Bebe looked irritated, but Token just had a weird resigned expression.

“Nah,” Kenny admitted. “Did I have fun?”

Red poked him. “ _I’m_ here.”

“That bodes well,” Kenny said with a grin, but he felt a little uncertain. He hadn’t tried to hook up with anyone since summer, and he hadn’t blacked out in ages. Something about that decisively did not bode well.

One glance at the expression on Bebe’s face could confirm that. The thing in his chest tightened further.

Kenny’s smile faltered. “Can we go to my house?”

“Oh, thank God,” Clyde burst out. “Let’s get the fuck inside.”

Kenny smirked. “I meant Red, Clyde.”

“ _Finally_ ,” she said emphatically. “I am fucking _freezing_.”

Red helped pull him to his feet, and he stood up, swaying dangerously. His vision turned black for a second, and a pair of hands reached out to catch him.

“I’ll text you in the morning, Kenny,” Bebe called.

Kenny stopped and looked back at her, his world lurching sickeningly. Red tightened her grip as his world tilted, but he doubled over and vomited in the snow. There was a chorus of concerned voices, and Kenny squeezed his eyes shut as spotty memories of the night started appearing in his head.

Finally, he looked up and wiped the back of his mouth on his sleeve. “Don’t do that. Please.”


	6. Miss Thang

It had been, in Kenny’s opinion, a great two weeks. It all blurred together into some soggy, stoned haze that had perpetrated his memories. He didn’t have to do much but get up, smoke, go to school, smoke, have sex, and smoke until sleep. Red was dope. They were having a dope time.

Thoughts were becoming foggy as he lay with his head on her lap while she scratched his hair in the _perfect_ way. All he thought about was that he liked her so much. There was some irritating feeling every time he started to sober up, but he could forget about that almost instantly.

The worst were the bad highs. Kenny, as a rule, had always thought getting stoned was to get giggly and happy, but it really just heightened things, and getting happy took a lot of selective focus on super awesome topics.

He was up to the challenge, though.

“Did you hear Lisa Berger called you, and I quote, ‘extremely fuckable’,” Red asked in a teasing way as she leaned over to change the Hulu video. “You wanna watch something else or let it run?”

“Let it run. That’s cool. Is she still a fox?”

“She was _never_ a fox.”

“I think I have one picture that can prove otherwise.”

“Exactly! You have _one_ picture.”

“You weren’t miss thang in elementary school, either.”

Her fingers stopped carding through his hair for a second. “First of all, I completely _was_ miss thang in elementary school. Second of all, we have to address ‘miss thang’. Nip it in the bud.

Kenny grinned. “I said it. It’s done. We have to move on.”

“You’re full of crap.”

He winked at her and rummaged around in his pockets for a cigarette. He lit it with his head still in her lap, and she coughed deliberately a few times. Kenny gave her a bemused smile. “If you got something to say, say it, man.”

“You smoke _way_ too much to keep smoking inside, much less in my face. Secondhand smoke kills.”

“You firsthand smoke.”

“My point remains.”

Kenny snorted and pushed himself off her lap, shuffling over to the window and opening it. “Is that better, your highness?” He asked, blowing smoke out the window.

Red sneered. “Is that the royal treatment? You not blowing smoke in my face?”

“And you’re getting it, babe.”

Red fanned herself like a damsel. “What did I do to deserve such a gentleman?”

“Dress up like a cat-holic school girl,” Kenny responded immediately. “I suppose being hot in general helps.”

Red frowned, but she looked amused. She usually looked amused when Kenny acted like an asshole or a burnout; it was one of his favorite things about her. He had worked for ages to impress Kyle when an awesome girl didn’t give a shit what he did.

“I thought my personality was pretty cool, but okay.”

“You are miss thang.”

“Past and present.”

The video paused, and Red whacked the side of her laptop like it would do any good. “Kenny, your wifi went out!”

“It’s the neighbor’s wifi, dude. Of course it’s spotty.”

Red sighed and pushed the computer away. “It is a hard knock life.”

“Kenny from the Hood. Let’s just watch _This Is the End_ again.” _This Is the End_ was the only movie Red had downloaded to her laptop and was therefore the only thing they could watch whenever the wifi went out. They had seen it multiple times already, and Kenny loved it. He supposed they could do something productive (or at least different) with their time, but he didn’t really have any motivation to change the routine.

“I can’t watch _This Is the End_ one more time. I’ll download a different movie tonight if I don’t stay here.”

“So tomorrow. Also, it is the _best_ movie.”

“It’s just watching people chill together with the thin veneer of a plot! Who wants to watch that more than once?”

Kenny held his hands up innocently. “First, that is an amazing story structure. Second, I wasn’t the one who bought it on iTunes.”

Red flushed. “I like James Franco.”

“The world likes James Franco. He has a perfect face.”

She made a dramatic huffing noise but pulled the movie up on her computer. “I’ll buy _Talladega Nights_ tonight. This has to be the end of _This Is the End_.”

“Ayyy,” Kenny said, nodding approvingly. “I like what you did there.”

“I like what I did there, too.”

He ashed his cigarette out the window and nodded to his desk. “Roll us a joint, then. The beginning is just Seth Rogen chilling anyway. No one needs to watch that more than a couple times.”

“The whole movie is Seth Rogen chilling!” Red protested, but she got up dutifully from the bed.

After they had sat and smoked, watching the movie with only Kenny’s laughter breaking the silence, Red said in an idle voice, “Did you sleep with Jenny Simon?”

“You betcha! She doesn’t get any less bitchy.”

“I know; she had a threesome with me and Kevin.” Red eyed him for a second like she expected a bitter reaction, but he just nodded without taking his eyes from the screen. “Heidi Turner too?”

“Not since summer,” Kenny said, furrowing his brow. “Did she say I did? I can’t really remember that North Park party. You were busy being a bad influence on Ruby, right?”

“Yeah, I was,” she said in a distant voice. “I slept with Clyde Donovan.”

Kenny sat bolt upright. “You did _not_.”

She laughed. “I didn’t; I just wanted to see how you’d react.”

His shoulders slumped. “Oh, thank God. Nothing but love for Clyde, but don’t.”

“I don’t fuck with rules.”

Kenny intertwined their fingers. “I like you _so_ much.” In that moment, with a fair amount of THC in his bloodstream, Kenny really meant it. There was something about being high that made things feel like love when he and Red both knew they really weren’t. Red had a vague idea of what had happened. She knew Kenny had liked Kyle – she wanted an explanation for why he cleaned up his act last year, and she had noticed the distance between Bebe and Token. Kenny withheld the specifics, but Red had been sympathetic and fairly nonchalant about the fact that she was being used. Kenny supposed he was a rebound for Kevin anyway, and he was certainly an upgrade. “Now be quiet so we can watch the movie.”

“I love the idea that celebrities are all friends with each other and have these dope parties. Like I really want Rihanna to party with Seth Rogen and the chubby boy.”

“Jonah Hill, and they definitely don’t. _Sh_.”

Red elbowed him. “Don’t shush me! I’m going to keep talking until you show some fucking respect.”

Kenny clapped a hand over her mouth, laughing hysterically and quoting, “ _Say cheese, baby_ ” in time with Michael Cera.

Red bit his hand, and he yanked it away. “Okay, you can close your eyes and replay this movie in your head. I’m turning it off.”

“We have to see it through to the finish!”

She slammed the screen down. “Let’s go enjoy the day. We can find our friends or have sex or go for a walk. C’mon, Kenny.  You are a lump of a man.”

Kenny rubbed his eyes blearily. “You love sitting around and doing nothing.”

Red patted his knee. “We can have sex?”

He paused like he was thinking it over. “ _This Is the End_ could be left on for that.”

Red gave him a condescending look but opened the screen back up. Kenny beamed at her. “Can we angle it in my direction a little?”

“No, Kenny!” Red said indignantly. “I have to give head for like thirty fucking minutes first because you do too many drugs; I get bored! We’re angling it in _my_ direction.”

“That’s a fair argument. The fairest. Play that shit, and I’ll get a condom from Kevin.” Red gave him a weird look, and he smiled. “My brother, dude. Not your ex.”

“He still lives here?”

“No, he _totally_ went to college,” Kenny said sarcastically. “Of course he still lives here.”

Red made a shooing gesture. “Go get a condom, Kenny. Better yet, buy your own.”

“When the well runs dry.” Kenny hopped off the bed and extended his hand, looking at her to put her hand on top of his. She complied. “Alright, team, break!”

*

“Liane Cartman.”

“Liane fucking Cartman.”

“I can’t believe he’d fuck Cartman’s mom.”

“I can’t believe he’d _tell_ people he fucked Cartman’s mom.”

“He fucking yelled it at him before Sex Ed, dude. He told _everyone_ ”

“ _Liane Cartman_.”

“Okay, guys, I get your mad he’s avoiding you, but Liane is kind of a win. It’s incredibly funny if you think about it objectively,” Stan said reasonably. “It pissed Cartman off; she’s kind of a MILF, and he’s on the rebound. It’s only natural.”

Wendy glowered at him. “It’s easy for you to be so Zen, Stan. Kenny is still talking to you.”

“Yeah!” Bebe cried angrily. “What did you do to earn his forgiveness that we didn’t do?”

Stan sighed and stretched. “I told you – it was never my duty to tell him what happened. My allegiance is to Kyle, and he knows and respects that. You guys were supposed to tell him after I told you.”

“I still think he’s being unfair,” Bebe muttered. Kenny hadn’t stopped talking to them completely, but that almost made it worse. He was perfectly cordial, which hurt more than if he had outright started ignoring them. He still hung out with Stan, Craig, Tweek, and Clyde. It was just his best friends who had been shunned in favor of hanging out with the South Park girls.

Bebe didn’t like that new friendship one bit. The girls sucked – she should know; she was friends with all of them. It made Kenny act weird and bitchy like the blatant attempt at seeming chill which was befriending Nichole. It was a standard move by bitches everywhere to pretend to become best friends with their ex’s or crush’s new girlfriend even though they clearly resented the girl. Nichole had no idea that Kenny wasn’t her friend because he genuinely liked her, and Bebe thought that was unfair. She was a perfectly lovely girl. It did make Kyle noticeably uncomfortable to see the two of them hanging out, and Bebe was guessing that’s why he did it.

Overall, Kenny had Red, and he didn’t seem to need much more than Red besides a steady stream of girls (and Liane Cartman) to fuck on the side.

Everything was fucked up by his absence. Bebe and Token had tried to keep hanging out with Stan and Wendy, but Kenny was a necessary part of the equation. Everything felt tense and awkward without him. Plus, Kyle would show up with Nichole a fair amount, as he was going to do in a few minutes, and Bebe felt a bit like she was cheating on Kenny.

There was nothing to cheat on. Kenny was clearly nursing an intense grudge against all his friends, and his bender hadn’t ended in a week like Token had predicted. He looked stoned at all times unless he was so wired on coffee he was practically coked out. He had started partying a lot more instead of hanging out with his chill friends. He skipped lunch to smoke in the parking lot with Red and Jenny. Bebe was concerned; everyone was, and it was the topic of a lot of their conversations with Stan and Wendy. Kenny’s absence was like a horrible shadow looming over every interaction.

Bebe didn’t know what he was doing without her and Token during his time of need. He was clearly not dealing well with the news, and she didn’t know how she could help until he forgave her. Bebe knew and liked Red, but she was a Tucker through and through. She certainly wasn’t warm enough to care for him even in the unlikely possibility that he did open up to her.

“He’s really not being unfair at all,” Wendy mused. “We kind of let him down really badly. I’m sure he’ll forgive us in his own time.”

Stan snorted. “I probably wouldn’t forgive you guys if I were in his place.”

“Stan!” Wendy cried indignantly.

“I’m just saying – you guys royally screwed up. Accept it, and learn to live without him. We replaced him with Butters and Tweek when he bailed on his for a season in third grade; as long as you get a blonde, it’ll be okay.”

Token’s forehead wrinkled. “What season? Like fall?”

“Yeah, dude. A season.”

Bebe frowned. “We’re not replacing him with another blonde! I’m blonde too, anyway!”

“So not the point you should be making right now,” Token said. “We’re not replacing Kenny.”

“Well, yes, that too,” Bebe said impatiently.

Stan shrugged. “They weren’t that cool anyway. I was glad Kenny was back for the next season.”

“Winter?” Token asked. “You’re phrasing this really weirdly.”

“I say what I mean,” Stan said. “He was back by the season of winter.”

Token gave him a skeptical look, but he didn’t push the subject anymore.

There was a knock on the door to Stan’s bedroom, and Stan shouted, “Come in!” without moving from his spot on the desk chair. The door swung open, and Kyle and Nichole walked in. Token glanced at Bebe quickly to take his social cue, and she forced a smile onto her face. It sucked that everyone liked Kyle and Nichole, Bebe included, but she couldn’t get past the fact that their relationship had cost her her best friend.

Bebe doubted that she knew what happened. For one thing, she didn’t think Kyle would admit to having feelings for a boy. Bebe had no definitive proof besides Stan’s vague speculations, but she was sure there was something weirdly closeted about Kyle’s speedy progress with Nichole. Second, Nichole showed absolutely no doubt about her friendship with Kenny, and she hadn’t seemed to catch on that Kenny hadn’t had a real conversation with Kyle, Bebe, Token, or Wendy since Halloween. She had remarked on how nice it was that he was spending more time with Red’s friends, but she thought that was just Kenny taking an interest in his relationship.

Kenny clearly had no interest in his “relationship” besides the fact that Red was hot, willing to have a lot of sex, and didn’t mind his destructive habits.

“What’s up, guys?” Nichole asked like the whole room wasn’t incredibly downcast. She greeted Stan with a bro handshake, and he grinned at her.

“Nickey D,” he drawled in a frat boy impression. “Good to see you.”

“It’s been a lonely three hours since school,” Nichole agreed. “I was stuck with this one,” she said, jerking her head towards Kyle.

Kyle ruffled her hair like she was a child and smiled at Stan. “Hey, dude.”

Stan tried to repeat his handshake with Kyle, but Kyle ended up confused and swatting at his hand. Stan laughed, settling for a fist bump. “Why do you even knock on my door, man? Everyone else just barges in. Bebe tried to kick it down.”

Bebe looked down at her feet bashfully. “It’s a sturdy door.”

“Can you not destroy my things? I’m not Kenny or Craig.”

“Kenny destroyed his door himself! I just benefitted from it!”

Kyle had a weird reaction every time Kenny was brought up in conversation. Everyone tried to keep their references to him on the down low around Kyle; they knew Kyle didn’t like it, and no one wanted him to know how hard Kenny was taking it. Bebe thought, somewhere hidden away, Kyle was taking it pretty hard too. He turned red and looked guilty whenever he heard his name, and he got openly more affectionate to Nichole. It was clear that his least favorite was when Nichole talked about him, which was usually the case because she thought Kenny was a close mutual friend of everyone.

“He got it fixed,” Nichole reported in an off-hand way.

Bebe was not aware, but Stan nodded. “He still hasn’t returned my dad’s power tools.”

“Your super suit!” Wendy said in mocking worry. “Not your super suit!”

Bebe smirked. “Token’s super suit is being used in his refrigerator.”

“Kyle still has his,” Nichole said with a laugh.

“Boys do the darnedest things,” Token said in a high-pitched voice. “Hey, guys, let’s all make fun of our girlfriends in front of them! That’s totally okay, right?”

Stan shook his head warningly. “I wouldn’t fuck with that if I were you.”

“Bebe thinks Hufflepuff is a dessert.”

Kyle snorted. “Bebe thinks the Puffin is a supervillain.”

“Bebe thinks when we have a Republican president, we have a republic,” Wendy said with a mean snicker. She looked to Stan, who seemed to be wracking his brain for something to contribute.

“Bebe’s drink order is a whiskey on the rocks with no ice,” he said finally.

Bebe blew a raspberry. “Funny, you guys. This was a great time for me, and I’m glad we all had fun.”

“You know I love you,” Token said fondly, and Stan made finger guns in her direction.

Bebe rolled her eyes and crossed her arms sulkily. “Come on, Nichole, take a shot. Conforming is an important part of social interaction.”

Nichole put a finger to her lips thoughtfully. “Bebe thinks Elon Musk is a perfume scent.”

Kyle clapped his hands and laughed loudly, but Token nodded like this was a very legitimate mistake.

“Alright, we’re done now. You guys have to appreciate me for the rest of the day.”

“Aw, babe, we always appreciate you,” Wendy said soothingly. “You’re just a goldmine.”

“Psh,” Bebe said doubtfully. “You guys are all on my shit list.”

They made idle chatter, laughing a lot as the tension eased slightly, until Nichole observed, “Are we a couples' friend group? Why is everyone dating each other?”

“I personally don’t know any other girls,” Token said. Stan pointed at Token land nodded like this was his problem too.

Nichole grinned. “We should get Kenny and Red in here. Why are they never around?”

Bebe froze. Nichole was noticing the gap.

“What about Kenny and Liane Cartman?” Kyle asked bitterly.

“You know about that?” Bebe was surprised it had spread _that_ far.

Kyle looked at her doubtfully. “He shouted it in Sex Ed, and Cartman was talking about it for days afterwards. I think the whole school knows. She has herpes, you know.”

“She probably has a lot worse than herpes,” Stan said darkly.

“She can’t be _that_ gross,” Wend said disbelievingly. “She always seems so nice and mild.”

“If he got her pregnant, his child would be Eric Cartman’s half-sibling,” Kyle said in a weird voice. “This is the woman who created _Eric Cartman_.”

“She’s definitely in menopause, right?” Stan asked. “How old do women get that?”

“I try not to think about it,” Wendy said airily. “I’m planning on never growing old.”

“Is that why you drink so many of those gross green juices?”

“Exactly, Bebe. The human body should be able to live to 300 if everything goes right. Scientists don’t even know why we grow old. The human body should have systems in place to keep repairing itself.”

“Telomeres shorten, and cells start to divide incorrectly at higher rates,” Nichole said. “Among other things.”

Kyle grinned at her and squeezed her hand, and Stan gave Wendy a sympathetic look.

Bebe didn’t know how much she liked being friends with _two_ absurdly smart girls. Three, if she counted Kyle.

She really missed the days of Kenny, Token, and Bebe.

Token’s phone buzzed, and he looked down at it in the same eager way he had for the past two weeks. His face fell in the same way it had for the past two weeks, and he held out the phone to Bebe. “Craig wants to meet up in a few. He said Clyde learned the Snoopy Dance, and they’re going to get high and watch for a few hours.”

“That sounds like a _great_ time. I’m so in!” Bebe said enthusiastically. “You guys coming?”

“As scintillating as that sounds, I think I’m going to pass,” Kyle said in a snooty voice, sounding very much like he had a year ago. “Stan?”

“Let’s chill here. I hate driving high; I get super anxious, and I have to stop smoking for winter basketball soon anyway.” He looked at Wendy for a sign of approval, and she nodded.

“Same with swimming,” Nichole said.

Bebe raised an eyebrow. “Did you smoke to begin with?”

“I am friends with Kenny,” she said like Bebe was something of a dunce. “I don’t think I’ve seen him sober once since we got close. He eats an edible halfway through the school day. Red thinks it’s funny, but I don’t know. What do you guys think?”

Bebe, Token and Wendy all mumbled nonsensical responses, and Stan sighed. “Only Kenny knows what he can handle. He takes school pretty seriously though.”

“I don’t think he’s ever been sober for work,” Kyle added.

“Kenny will do as Kenny will do!” Bebe said defensively. “And Kenny will do drugs. If you’d excuse us, we have a Snoopy Dance to watch.” She put her nose in the air and walked out of the room with a round of high fives for everyone in the room. Token said his goodbyes and followed after her quickly.

Down the hall, Bebe let out a breath of relief. “I _hated_ that.”

“An edible during the day,” Token repeated. “This is not good.”

“He’s going to lose his job if he keeps showing up high, and you _know_ he’ll start dealing again if he’s strapped for cash when he inevitably spends all his money on drugs.”

“Clyde will be happy.”

“Fuck Clyde!”

Token paused with his hand on the banister. “I’m just looking for a silver lining’s playbook. I’m aware that everything sucks right now.”

“I think I should talk to Red,” Bebe said slowly. “She might be the only person he’s listening to.”

“You think he’s listening to her?”

“It’s her or Karen.”

Token clenched his jaw like he meant business. “Let’s go watch the Snoopy Dance for a couple hours, then let’s go find Karen McCormick.”

They hooked elbows and left Stan’s house.

*

Token and Bebe cornered her in school the next day. They couldn’t risk running into Kenny at his house; Token assumed he still spent most of his time in his room, and he didn’t think Kenny would like them talking to his younger sister about his problems. Karen might not know anything, and they’d totally be ratting Kenny out. They couldn’t afford to do any more damage to this relationship. Still, Token had seen how Karen’s family acted around her so he didn’t think she’d be too shocked.

She was.

Karen looked between Bebe and Token with wide eyes like she expected one of them to take it back. “Yeah, I knew he’d been smoking every night. I can smell it in the house. Are you sure he’s doing it before school?”

They exchanged a loaded glance. “He might be smoking in Red’s car?” Token guessed. “He’s pretty clearly high when he gets in. Kenny has light eyes; when he smokes, they _show_ it.”

Bebe giggled reminiscently. “I love Kenny’s stoner eyes. He’s such a little stereotype.”

“Bebe, you look like a racist Asian impression when you smoke.”

Karen cleared her throat. “I didn’t think you guys were talking to me because you found this _funny_. Kenny is supposed to be my brother who _isn’t_ Kevin.”

“Yeah, nobody wants to be Kevin,” Token admitted. “I don’t think Kenny will go that far? Or, at least, he won’t be so innately stupid even if he goes that far?”

She smiled ruefully. “Kevin’s the worst. Why aren’t you guys _doing_ anything, though? What do you expect me to do? Kenny clearly doesn’t want me to know this is happening.”

Bebe pursed her lips. “Kenny isn’t exactly talking to us.”

Karen gaped at her. “Have you ever gone more than a day without talking to Kenny?”

“Yes. In the past two weeks.” Bebe looked incredibly upset, and Token rubbed her arm comfortingly. She gave him a weak attempt at a smile.

Karen breathed out slowly. “What happened? It must have been a _lot_.”

Bebe held her arms out to Token. “Take it away, Mr. Black.”

Token shifted uncomfortably, but he nodded. “How much do you know about Kyle Broflovski, Karen?”

“I hate his clothes.”

“We all do, Kare Bear,” Bebe interjected. “Another topic for a different day.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Kenny was kind of, um, in love with him, I guess?”

“Obsessed,” Bebe corrected. “Love isn’t supposed to be like that.”

Karen’s lips parted in surprise. “Kenny’s gay?”

Token smirked. “You clearly don’t know what your brother gets up to. Kenny is just – what’s the word I’m looking for? – indiscriminate.”

“Bisexual is the technical term,” Karen said. “Is Kenny a slut?”

They both made dissenting noises for a few seconds before Bebe admitted, “Yeah, he totally is.”

Karen looked hurt. “He could have told me these things! He knows I’d never judge him.”

“You’re fourteen,” Bebe said sympathetically. “He wants you to be a little kid for as long as possible.”

She looked unconvinced. “What was Kenny like at my age?”

They started making uncomfortable noises again, and Karen gave them a deadpan look that would have made Craig Tucker envious. “What was he like?”

“Smoking weed and fucking sophomores,” Token said slowly. “And some teachers.”

Bebe got a spacy look in her eyes. “I miss his teacher phase. That was _fun_.”

“Let’s thank our lucky stars that Mr. Garrison wasn’t around for it.”

Bebe looked horrified, and Karen wrinkled her nose.

“Look, Karen,” Token continued. “College applications are due in a week, and we just need to know that Kenny’s going to turn something in.”

Karen chewed her bottom lip. “He doesn’t really want to pay the fee to submit applications to places he won’t go to. So, like, any place.”

“I’ll give you the money for the fees. Say you babysat.”

He had expected some kind of protest like the one Kenny would undoubtedly give if Token had offered him money. Instead, Karen just nodded somberly. “If that’s what it takes, I’ll get him to submit something.”

Bebe held her hand up for a high five. “Gimme some, Karen. You’re the best little sister.”

She returned the high five and laughed, blushing humbly. “You two are great friends. Why is he not talking to you?”

“Because we’re not actually great friends,” Bebe blurted out.

“Kyle sort of got a girlfriend, and we might have kept Kenny in the dark for an absurd amount of time.”

“Absurd,” Bebe echoed. “I have no idea _how_ we did it.”

“Yeah, I don’t either,” a familiar voice said behind Token. Token had never heard Kenny sound so unhappy to see them. He turned around quickly to examine him. Kenny, true to form, had bloodshot eyes, but his goofy smile was replaced by a cold look. “What are you doing to Karen?”

“Bebe got me a babysitting job,” Karen lied smoothly. Bebe gave her a thankful smile.

Kenny looked like he didn’t believe her for a second. Token supposed he had no reason to trust anything he and Bebe did, but it still hurt to see his best friend looking at him like some contemptible creature. “Who are you babysitting?”

“That Asian baby Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al adopted.” Token was beyond impressed with Karen at this point. He wondered what else she was using these lying skills for.

Kenny seemed like he was easing a little bit. “That baby is too cute. Thanks, Bebe.”

“No problem, Kenny,” Bebe gushed. He gave her a look to show this was definitely not forgiveness.

“Why don’t Bebe and Token come over for dinner?” Karen prompted. “Better yet, why don’t we go to someone else’s house for dinner?” She gave Token a hopeful smile.

“That sounds great,” Token said eagerly.

Kenny looked him over for a second and shook his head. Token felt his heart sink. “I’m hanging out with Red. I’ll see you guys around.”

“See you, Kenny,” Bebe said softly. Token was a little worried she might start crying, but she held it together admirably. This had been their longest conversation with Kenny in two weeks, and it was as bad as Token feared it would be.

Token couldn’t believe the people Kenny had replaced him with. He spent most of his time with Red or sucking up to Nichole like the little barnacle he was, but Token had also spotted him talking to Eric Cartman in the hallways. He suspected they had bonded over a mutual hatred of Kyle. Token didn’t know how fucking Liane would affect that friendship, but he was a bit relieved that they weren’t close enough friends for Kenny to actually take his feelings into account.

Kenny didn’t seem like he was taking most people’s feelings into account anymore.

He leaned forward to whisper something in Karen’s ear, and Token could have sworn he said “don’t talk to them anymore”. Karen gave him a disappointed look and shook her head. “Go find Red.”

“Fine,” he said briskly. “Wait to be let down.”

Bebe looked confused; she must not have heard what Kenny had said initially. Token ground his teeth and wrestled back the instinct to glare back at Kenny. Instead, he gave him a small wave, and Kenny returned it with a dispassionate nod and spun around to walk back down the halls.

Bebe crumpled. “You see what we mean?”

Karen looked shocked. “He _hates_ you guys. Jesus. I’ve never seen him act like that.”

“We have to fix this,” Token said insistently. “There has to be a way.”

Bebe and Karen both looked thoughtful. “Have you tried a heartfelt apology?” Karen suggested after a minute of pondering.

“So many apologies,” Bebe assured her. “He doesn’t respond over text, and he makes up excuses about where he has to be in person.”

“Is he doing that to everyone?”

“Just us and Wendy,” Token said. “It’s not very fair. _Everyone_ knew, and we all decided collectively not to tell him.”

Karen scowled at him. “Would you rather him not have friends out of fairness?”

“No, I suppose not. He just talks to _Tweek_ more than he talks to us. Tweek squawks like a parrot.”

“A really anxious parrot who’s had too much caffeine,” Bebe agreed.

Karen’s lip twitched. “As long as he’s talking to someone.”

“I doubt he’s talking to Craig about his _feelings_ ,” Token said.

“I doubt he’s sober enough to have feelings,” Bebe responded with a shrug of one shoulder.

Karen winced. “Is it really that bad? Your imagination might be running wild while he isn’t around.” She looked almost hopeful as she said it like she was begging the two of them to assure her that this was just an overreaction, and Kenny was the great older brother he’d always been.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t talk to him,” Token said. “Our only information from him is filtered through Clyde and Stan Marsh.”

“Stan Marsh?” Karen looked impressed. “ _Everyone_ in my grade has a crush on him. I can’t wait to tell people he’s friends with my brother!”

Token thought that, in his objective opinion, way too few people in South Park High had a crush on him. He was just like Kenny but exotic. He had voiced this thought to Bebe before who threw up from laughing too hard at his vanity. As the one person who _had_ had a crush on Token, he was not very reassured by her reaction.

“He has an amazing girlfriend,” Bebe said apologetically. “What about Clyde?”

Karen wrinkled her nose.

“Okay, not a great option.”

“Pretty weak,” Token said.

Bebe put her arm around Token. “What about ol’ Token here? Doesn’t anyone want to go black and never go back?”

“No one knows you, Token. You don’t hang out with anyone but my brother and his six friends.” Karen thought this over. “I suppose he has more if he’s hanging out with the girls like you said. Is Kenny becoming cool?”

“Kenny _was_ cool,” Bebe said defensively. “He’s becoming a generic party boy.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Karen decided. “I don’t think it’ll be that much. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I can talk to Red? She’s my best friend’s cousin.”

“Ruby Tucker? Really?” Bebe asked in surprise. “She’s a surly little devil.”

Karen giggled. “She’s just aloof. She’s very cool.” She swung her back around her other shoulder. “I’m going to miss the bus, but I’ll let you know how it goes. Bye, guys. Good luck. Really.”

“Don’t talk to Red!” Bebe called after her. Karen turned around to give a thumbs up before pushing open the door and hurrying outside.

Bebe turned back to Token with a dejected expression on her face. “How do you think it went?”

Token sucked a breath in through his teeth. “Do you have a funny feeling about telling his little sister details of his personal life?”

“I don’t think he can hate us any _more_ than he does right now.”

“Fair enough,” Token said. “C’mon, babe. I have to finish my Wash U application.”

“The college process _sucks dick_ ,” Bebe said emphatically.

Token made a face. “Is sucking dick that bad?”

She winked. “See for yourself. That Stan and Wendy foursome is still on the table.”

“It was never, ever on the table. They would never agree to it.”

“Tweek and Craig?”

Token gagged. “How many times do you think Tweek accidentally twitches and bites him?”

Bebe considered this for a second. “Three per? I didn’t actually want to imagine them having sex. Stan and Wendy, yes. Have I jacked it while imagining their sensual lovemaking? You bet your sweet ass I have. Have I written an erotic friend fiction about them? For sure. Have I asked Wendy to take minutes on what they do? A few times.”

“Obviously we’ve both done all those things,” Token interrupted. “They’re the hottest couple I know.”

Bebe clenched her fists in determination. “Mark my words, Token. By the time we graduate, we _will_ have had a foursome with Stan and Wendy.”

“We won’t, but okay. I’ll let you nurse that dream.”

“You don’t think they’ll choose Kyle and Nichole over us?”

“I don’t think Kyle and Nichole are _asking_ for a foursome with them.”

Bebe gave him a look. “You’re so naïve, Token. Wendy said _Red and Kevin_ propositioned them.”

“That’s not hard to believe at all. Are you equating Red and Kevin to Nichole and Kyle?”

Bebe crinkled her eyebrows together. “Okay, I suppose they have very different sex lives. Do you think Kyle and Nichole have had sex?”

“It’s one of two pastimes in this town, and they don’t get high that much. That being said, Kyle is probably gay so it’s really a toss-up.”

Bebe looked like she meant business. “Let’s go gossip with Stan and Wendy and plant some seeds for _future endeavors_.”

Token followed after her obediently. “You’re just going to embarrass us, Bebe. No fucking way they say ‘yes’.”

“The only way to lose is not to try!”

“Or, you know, to lose.”


	7. Worse than the Danish

The whole room was quiet as Clyde’s words hung in the air. Wendy was staring at a spot on the floor a few feet in front of her, not seeing through her watery eyes. Stan looked poised to jump to her rescue even though there was, in truth, nothing he could do. Bebe felt shaky and nauseous. Only Token seemed to have the sense to speak.

“Fuck!” He shouted.

Bebe cringed away, her eyes wide and scared. “Don’t yell!”

“What the hell am I supposed to be doing Bebe?” He paced the room quickly. “We all knew he would pull something like this. I’m trying to figure out why the hell I’m surprised.”

“I didn’t know,” Wendy said.

Clyde rubbed the back of his neck anxiously like he was worried he had done the wrong thing. The smile he’d had on his face had faded rapidly. Bebe felt a little bad for him; he probably didn’t realize he was going to be the bearer of bad news. After all, everyone had been fine with it a year ago. “He’s been planning it for awhile. He placed the orders a few weeks ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Token demanded. “Could you have stopped him?”

“Back off Clyde,” Craig snapped. “It’s not his fault that Kenny’s an idiot.”

“You guys are his friends!” Bebe yelled, voice cracking dangerously. “It’s your job to stop him when he starts doing things that are potentially damaging!”

“And illegal,” Stan added. Wendy gave him a broken look, and he crossed the room to wrap an arm around her comfortingly. “I didn’t know,” he said, answering their silent accusations. “I would have told you.”

“Would you have?” Token snapped.

“When did everyone start keeping secrets from each other?” Bebe asked. “Did we start this?”

Wendy blinked back tears, trying to smile bravely. “Maybe it was when we ruined your Airing of Grievances.”

 “I guess there is rhyme and reason to your stupid traditions,” Craig said.

“Sorry for fucking up your lives,” Clyde added.

“Don’t apologize,” Craig commanded. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Tweek and I wouldn’t have told them if Kenny didn’t want us to.”

“Thanks for your honesty,” Token said bitterly.

“Someone in this fucked up friend group has to be loyal!” Tweek said, grabbing Craig’s arm defensively.

Token spread his arms open wide in pure disbelief. “What about loyalty to _us_ , Craig? I’ve been your best friend since third grade!”

Craig scanned the room dispassionately. “You guys are worse friends than I thought if you don’t realize Kenny’s in a worse place than you right now. I’m over this. Call me when everyone stops sucking.”

“I’m going to stay,” Clyde said.

“Suit yourself. Tweek?”

Tweek looked from Craig to Token quickly. Token turned away from Tweek like he already knew what choice he’d make, and Tweek scowled. “Yeah, I’ll come,” he said, following Craig out of the room.

“Did you buy from him, Clyde?” Token asked in a dangerous voice once Craig had left. Bebe was worried that Token had waited because he didn’t want Clyde to have Craig to jump to his defense. Craig’s temper had shortened considerably since the Kenny fiasco, and he hadn’t been the world’s nicest guy beforehand. Bebe didn’t see how it concerned him, and that was, in retrospect, probably why he was angry. The dissolution of their friend group affected all of them, and Bebe and Token had wallowed in self-pity for weeks now.

She didn’t really blame Craig. She was angry at herself. It never should have gone this far.

Clyde gave Token a weird look. “What do you take me for? Of course I didn’t buy from him.”

“Well, it’s not like you were exactly against the idea, were you?”

“Craig’s right,” Stan said loudly. “It’s not Clyde’s fault. You need to accept some responsibility, Token.”

“You think I don’t think this is all my fault? I don’t know what to do! We’ve never _had_ a fight before. I didn’t realize it was even possible.”

“It’s pretty obviously not my fault,” Clyde muttered.

“Token’s just angry,” Bebe said. “Token, use your inside voice.”

“This isn’t funny. Bebe!”

“Did I laugh?”

Clyde looked like he was fighting back the words when he blurted out, “I used to be so envious of you guys. You seemed so close and supportive and happy.” He paused dramatically. “I’m not anymore. I don’t feel excluded. I feel like I’m at a safe distance.”

“I don’t think they need a lecture right now,” Stan said. He sighed and rubbed his temples, looking much older than eighteen. “You guys need to do something. Everything went wrong because none of you _do_ anything.”

“This is what weed does,” Wendy said in a weak voice. “It desensitizes you to the world. Now look what’s happened.”

Bebe barely noticed how badly her chest hurt until the first sob ripped out. Token froze like a deer in headlights and rushed to her side, kneeling in front of her on the floor. Wendy touched her arm softly.

“I didn’t mean it was your fault.”

Bebe shook her head, unable to force any words out. She took a shuddering breath then sank into the sobs again. Token looked stricken, but Clyde just seemed uncomfortable, and Stan had a dark look on his face.

“Let it happen,” he said to Wendy. “She should do this.”

“What the fuck, Stan?” Token shouted. “You think we should leave it like this?”

“Can someone fix her?” Clyde asked weakly. He looked like he might vomit just at the sight of a girl in tears.

Bebe wiped her snotty nose on the back of her sleeve and stood up shakily. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you guys later.”

Token jumped to his feet. “Where are you going? I’ll come too.”

“I want to do it myself. I’m going to find Kyle.”

*

Did Kenny think it was funny to keep things from her? It was a natural response to what had happened, but he knew Bebe and Token would find out eventually. He had probably wanted them to find out from someone else like the bitter child he had become. It wasn’t fair. Some things were important in life, and others weren’t. For example, Kyle Broflovski was not important in the grand scheme of things. Bebe, Token and Kenny were important. She always thought romantic love got an undue level of attention; Kenny was her first love, and he might be the platonic love of her life.

Kenny throwing away his future was important. Kenny numbing himself past the point of recognition was important. Kenny shunning all his friends because he knew what they’d say if they saw him like this was important. She would put an end to this tonight.

These and many other thoughts were flapping around her head like angry birds. She felt a bit dizzy. She had sobbed silently for the entirety of her walk, and it left her with the emotionless, post-cry exhaustion that Bebe was unused to feeling. She didn’t cry. She never had a reason to, and when she did have a reason, Kenny and Token were always there to act like idiots and cheer her up or listen to sad music until she forgot where her feelings ended and the musician’s began.

She rapped her knuckles on the door smartly and waited all of two seconds before proceeding to bang her fist against the door incessantly. It was opened by a gangly boy with black hair and a big mouth who looked nothing like Kyle or his parents from the times Bebe had seen them (and Sheila tended to show up at their school a _lot_ ). He looked too young to be a friend of Kyle’s either. It left her with one option.

“Hey, dude. You’re Ike, right?”

He surveyed her with dark, intelligent eyes before answering, “Yeah. You?”

“Oh, I’m not Ike.”

A smile split his face in half. He was definitely not related to Kyle; they showed the same brainy exterior, but Ike was clearly a lot more mirthful than his uptight older brother. “Who are you?” He asked patiently.

She extended a hand. “Bebe Stevens. I’m a friend of your brother.”

He looked at the hand. “You’re Bebe Stevens?”

“The one and only. Actually. Who the fuck would name their kid Bebe? My boyfriend’s name is Token, and we are the only Bebe and Token in the whole world. Isn’t that cute? I call us ‘Bacon’.”

Ike looked like he was thinking this over, then he roared with warm, infectious laughter. Bebe liked him instantly. How had such a cool boy been raised by the same people who raised Kyle? Genetics mattered more than she’d realized.

He stepped back so she could walk in, and she left the cold gratefully. Inside, she could hear _Rick and Morty_ playing on the television, and she craned her neck to see into the living room. Kyle’s familiar red hair was nowhere to be seen, but she could see the back of a girl’s mousy brown hair shaking as she laughed at the television.

Bebe made a scandalized face. “Ike, do you have a _girlfriend_?”

He looked at the couch, a smirk that Bebe already recognized as his trademark on his face. “Oh, her? Yeah.” He turned to the stairs and cupped his hands around his mouth, yelling, “ _Kyle! Your friend is here to see you_!” He frowned when no one responded from upstairs and started the sad trudge to the stairs.

Bebe nudged him. “What’s her name, Ike?”

Ike snorted and shook his head in a way that people _always_ seemed to do when they met Bebe. “We just met. It’s not the time for you to ‘friend’s little brother’ me. Besides, I think ‘friends’ is a bit of a stretch, don’t you, Bebe Stevens?”

“Has he mentioned me?”

“Kyle talks about his personal life with me. Sure.” He rolled his eyes. “I found out Kyle had a girlfriend from someone else like two months after it happened.”

That sounded familiar.

Ike’s lip twitched. “So that makes two, huh?”

Bebe narrowed her eyes. “How did you find out about all of this?”

Before he could respond, the girl at the couch started shrieking with laughter until she fell off the couch. A voice Bebe instantly recognized screamed, “Ike! Ike! They’re doing another fucking television sketch episode!” Karen McCormick gasped for breath, picking herself up off the floor just as Bebe’s jaw dropped down to the ground.

“You’re dating Kenny’s little sister?” She asked in disbelief. “Karen McCormick, get your ass out here! You are in big trouble, young lady!”

“Bebe?” Karen responded in equal shock. She climbed over the couch and padded out to the front room in her bare feet. “Why are you here?”

“Why am I here? Why are _you_ here?”

Karen grabbed Ike’s hand deliberately, and he smirked again. Bebe was digging the ‘tude, but she was _not_ digging Karen having a boyfriend. Especially not a Broflovski. That was weird on so many levels. “We’re dating.”

Bebe gestured at Ike wildly. “This boy is clearly ten! How’d you even meet?”

“You think I’m ten. He’s only a year younger than me, and he skipped a grade,” Karen said. “As for how we met, I talked to him about our brothers after you talked to me. We became friends.”

“How small is this town? Didn’t you say Ruby _Tucker_ is your best friend?”

Ike made a motion with his hands to demonstrate how small the town was, and Bebe couldn’t resist smiling at him. Karen had, at the very least, found someone smart, cool and friendly. If she were a slightly more of a cougar and slightly less into her boyfriend, she might have even found Ike attractive.

Karen blew her bangs out of her face impatiently, and Ike gave her an admiring look that Bebe always liked to see on a boyfriend’s face. “I talk about my other friends. You just only remember the ones who pertain to your life.”

“That sounds like me,” Bebe acquiesced. “Does Kenny know about this?”

“He was the first person we told,” Ike said. “It seemed fair.”

“We’ve only been dating a week,” Karen explained sympathetically.

“Kyle?”

They exchanged a look. “That only seemed fair, too. He’ll find out when he _comes downstairs, Kyle!_ ” Ike said, raising his voice again to direct the second part up the stairs.

“ _Fuck off, Ike,_ ” came Kyle’s distant reply.

_“Your friend is here!”_

“ _Tell Stan I’m busy with homework_!”

_“It’s not Stan! You apparently have more than one friend!”_

“ _I do?_ ”

Ike chuckled. “At least he has a good sense of where he stands?” He looked back up the stairs, “ _Kyle, come down! I need to save my voice for debate on Saturday!”_

There was a pause then someone stomped down the stairs. A few steps from the bottom, Kyle froze with his hand on the banister, looking at Bebe like she was some horrible mirage. His eyes flickered to Ike, giving him a betrayed look, then landed on Karen. “What’s Karen McCormick doing here? Did something happen?” He looked at Ike desperately, and Ike gave another knowing smirk that Bebe was totally going to spend the rest of the night practicing.

Ike held up their joined hands and raised an eyebrow. He was _so_ cool. Bebe was _so_ impressed. “Three guesses, Kyle.”

“Kenny’s fine,” Karen added sweetly.

Kyle looked relieved before the meaning of Ike’s hand in Karen’s hit him. “Are you two _dating_?”

“I just found out, too,” Bebe said.

“You’re not his brother!”

Ike looked thoughtful. “Right. Because you did a _great_ job at telling the world that you got a girlfriend.” Karen gave Kyle a nasty look that seemed to shock him.

“I didn’t tell anyone who didn’t need to know,” Kyle said quietly. “You should tell me when you get a girlfriend! I’m your older brother!”

Bebe was getting the feeling that she was intruding on a family’s moment, but she didn’t let it bother her. Private moments were by far the most interesting, and she considered herself something of a big sister to Karen. She was definitely a better sibling than Kevin. She liked to call the family “KKK and TB”, but Kenny and Token didn’t find it as funny as she did.

“I’ve _had_ girlfriends before. You never gave me any reason to think you cared. I don’t really give a shit if you care now because it’s Karen.”

“What are you insinuating?”

“I’m not insinuating anything. I’m openly saying that you care because she is Kenny’s little sister,” Ike said, enunciating the words like he thought Kyle was slow. “You have no reason to care, and you _definitely_ don’t have a standing reservation on the McCormick family.”

Kyle blinked a few times, looking torn between being upset and angry. After a few rapidly changing facial expressions, he settled on anger. “You should have told me.”

Ike shrugged. “I didn’t. Going to throw a fit about it?”

“Does dad know?”

For the first time, Ike looked a little wary. “He doesn’t.”

Poorly concealed pity replaced anger. “You should tell him before you get, you know.”

“I’m right here!” Karen said in a high voice. Bebe didn’t want to draw any attention to herself; she loved it here and couldn’t risk the conversation being postponed until only family was in the room.

“Before I get attached, Kyle? Nothing’s going to change after I talk to him.”

The brothers stared at each other, something unspoken and heavy passing between them. Karen looked worried like she thought she was a few seconds away from getting dumped, and Bebe saw Ike squeeze her hand reassuringly.

“He didn’t care that Nichole is black.”

Kyle scoffed. “You think he didn’t care? I thought you knew him for thirteen years.”

“You’re still dating her, aren’t you?”

“Because mom stood up for me!”

“Mom will stand up for me, too.”

Kyle took a deep breath, his shoulders sagging as he broke eye contact and looked at Karen and Bebe. He gave Bebe a pleading look, and she nodded imperceptibly to assure him that, for the first time in her life, she might consider keeping a secret. If she didn’t, that would be her secret.

“You think that the only problem was that he’s a boy,” Kyle said after a long pause. “I know you know.”

“We all know,” Karen answered sadly.

Bebe couldn’t hold it in any longer. It just burst out of her. “Does anyone else think this is kind of incestuous?”

Ike looked at her in disbelief before breaking out in raucous laughter. “You’re great. Keep her around, Kyle.”

“I don’t think I have a choice. Are any social cues telling you that maybe you should leave, Bebe?”

“You don’t, and yes, but I’m going to march to the beat of my own drum.” She swung her arms cheerfully as she marched over to the stairs and sat down. “Go on. I won’t tell Kenny.”

Karen whacked Ike’s back as he choked on another laugh, and Kyle almost looked fond. “Why would I believe that? You’ll probably just tell Token so _he’ll_ tell him.”

Bebe crossed her heart, but before she could speak, Karen interjected, “Say his name, Kyle. He’s not some faceless rando. Just say it.”

Kyle opened his mouth to speak, looking like he was suddenly struck mute. He closed it again, and Karen sighed. “You can’t object to Ike dating a McCormick if you don’t want to, Kyle! That’s not fair!”

“I’m not the one who objects to the McCormicks!” Kyle shouted.

A heavy silence fell over the group until Kyle stalked over to the rack and grabbed his coat. “Want to go for a walk, Bebe? You must have come to yell at me for something so let’s get it over with.”

She nodded dumbly and stood up. Kyle threw the door open and stormed outside as Ike yelled after him, “Kyle, what did you mean?”

Bebe gave Ike an apologetic and slightly confused look. His face was colder than she had ever seen it in her short time knowing him, and Karen was gripping his hand tightly, completely white-faced.

Bebe walked quickly out to Kyle and shut the door after them. Kyle was already at the end of the driveway, and Bebe ran to catch up with him.

“That was a lot.”

“What did you want, Bebe? What have I done wrong this time? I’ve stayed away from your fucking friend! I’ve been nice to Nichole! I’ve even been nice to all your friends even though you clearly never want me around so hit me, Bebe. What did I do?”

Bebe deflated. Everything she wanted to say didn’t seem fair anymore. “I just came to hang out,” she said.

“I don’t believe that at all. Just get your anger out. I’ve noticed he doesn’t talk to you.”

“Karen’s right, Kyle. You should say his name.”

“I’ve said his name before!”

“Kenny. Do it, Kyle. His name is Kenny.”

Kyle looked _wild_. Bebe was loving this look on him. Maybe it was because his sweatpants and oversized t-shirt made him look more like a normal teenager and less like a preppy douchebag, or maybe it was because Russell Brand had given her too much of a taste for crazy eyes, but she was understanding some of the fascination with Kyle. Anger really suited him. It was probably the red hair.

“If you tell _Kenny_ any of this, I will destroy your life more than you’ve done yourself.”

“Harsh,” Bebe said. She had passed abject sadness and landed somewhere in the weird period of relief, the eye of the storm, where everything became hilarious. She would enjoy it for as long as it lasted. “So, your dad’s homophobic?”

Kyle laughed bitterly. “Among other things.”

“I feel like that should have been our first guess,” Bebe mused. “Pretty typical, really.”

“I can see why Kenny prizes you for your ability to sympathize.”

“Don’t be mean,” Bebe chided. “I’m just wrapping my head around it. How bad can he be, really? Kenny’s dad is a stereotypical hick, and he doesn’t give a shit what Kenny does. Kenny can parade around in dresses for all he cares.”

Kyle nodded in the direction of Stark’s Pond, and Bebe walked a step behind him until they reached the one, solitary bench. Kyle looked like he was trying to figure out how to say something he had never vocalized before, and Bebe flipped open a pack of cigarettes and gestured for him to take one.

“I don’t smoke,” he said in a hoarse voice.

“Everyone smokes during serious conversations.”

Kyle took a deep breath and extended his hand to accept it from her fingertips. She cupped a hand around it to shield it from the wind and lit it in his mouth. He sucked in so deeply that his cheeks hollowed and succumbed to a rough coughing fit as Bebe lit another for herself.

Bebe smirked. “Be a little less eager.”

“Fuck you,” Kyle gasped out.

“It’s not conducive to a serious conversation if you cough the whole time.”

Kyle spat in the snow and eyed the cigarette like it was out to get him. Hesitantly, he took a small drag and managed to breathe out without coughing. Bebe nodded encouragingly, and Kyle wrinkled his nose.

“This is awful.”

“Yeah, they kind of suck, don’t they? I just love me some smoke in my lungs.”

Kyle watched the ashes fall away with intense interest. Bebe waited for a minute before pressing, “Do you want someone to talk to?”

“Give me a minute. I will.”

It took a lot longer than a minute for Kyle to tear his gaze away from the cigarette. It went out before he took another drag, and he gestured for Bebe to relight it. She complied, and he smoked in silence until Bebe had started itching with impatience.

“Ike’s best friend came out awhile back, did you know that?” He said softly. “My mom was fine with it, but you should have heard the shit my da- Gerald said. He doesn’t let him in the house anymore because he thinks he’ll ‘try to make Ike queer’. It’s like he thinks every gay person is going to rape all the straight boys out of desperation.”

Bebe opened her mouth to respond, but Kyle kept going. He seemed relieved to speak finally, and he never met her eyes as he spoke. “Do you remember the internet troll in fourth grade?”

She considered this. Fourth grade was a _long_ time ago, and Bebe’s memory was not what it used to be. “When Heidi Turner quit social media?”

“Yeah. You know how no one knows who it was?”

“Wasn’t it Eric Cartman?”

Kyle looked angry for a second then shook his head like he wasn’t sure why he cared about Bebe’s accusation. “No, Cartman didn’t actually do that one. We were as surprised as you are,” he said, reading her face.

“Was it you?”

Kyle looked taken aback. “Is _that_ where you think this conversation is going?”

“Oh! Oh! I get it! It was your dad?”

He looked like he was fighting back laughter as he nodded. “Yeah. It was Gerald. Do you remember the one group he almost hated as much as women?”

“Danish people,” Bebe said with some certainty.

This time Kyle did laugh loudly, and he gave Bebe an admiring look that she rarely saw from anyone other than Token and Kenny. She had no idea how this felt so close to friendship when she was sure that she hated Kyle, but at that moment she cared about him more than her loyalty to Kenny wanted to permit.

“Fags, Bebe. You could do with some lessons on context cues.”

“Why would I do that when I can have you explain things to me? Also, speaking of context cues, I thought you said Kenny being a boy wasn’t the problem?”

“It wasn’t the only problem.” Kyle tapped on his cigarette to let an excessive build-up of ash fall to the ground. Bebe was a little impressed at how natural it looked for him. She had always forgotten to ash the first few times she smoked, and she had gotten a lot of nice shirts dirty in the process of learning.

“You really freaked Karen out with the McCormick thing.”

“She should be freaked out! If they want this to work, they should both be very freaked out.”

“I get they’re poor, but Token’s family has like twenty million times more money than mine does, and they _love_ me. They think I’m a good influence on him.”

“… Do they really? That’s, um, shocking, honestly.”

“Right?”

“It’s not because they’re poor, anyway. I guess that’s part of it. My dad and Kenny’s used to be best friends in school.”

Bebe looked up in surprise. “Wow, you Broflovskis and McCormicks have some weird thing going on, don’t you?

“So weird,” Kyle agreed. “This Ike thing has me thrown.”

“They’re kind of cute. Young love. Did you know their namesmash is Kike? I give them a week after they realize.”

“Do you do this for every couple?”

“You bet! You and Nichole are ‘Nile’. Get it? Because you’re in denial?”

Kyle screwed up his face, but he didn’t say anything more on the subject. “It’s not like my dad is ignorant,” he continued. “He knows his ex-best friend is a meth dealer. He wasn’t even cool with me being friends with him.” He groaned. “Ike is _so fucked_. It’s fucking killing me how fucked he is.”

Bebe patted his arm awkwardly. “Maybe he won’t let Gerald’s opinion change anything?”

Kyle sneered. “Do you think Ike still hangs out with his gay best friend anymore?”

“Yes?” Bebe tried.

“The kid used to be around the house three times a week,” Kyle said angrily. “Gerald ruined that for him, and he’s going to ruin Karen. I know he will.”

“Well,” Bebe said thoughtfully. “If you want Ike to stand up for himself, maybe you should be the role model he needs? It’s not like you set the precedent of standing up to your father.” Kyle gave her a strange look, and she grinned. “You all think I’m so much dumber than I am.”

“Just your sense of humor,” Kyle lied. That was okay. Bebe was fine with people thinking that if she still succeeded in making them laugh. “I don’t think Kenny is worth ruining my relationship with my dad.”

“Your dad sounds like he sucks.”

“He’s still my dad, and Kenny is some random kid. They’re not exactly equal.”

“Kenny’s not some random kid!”

“Gerald is my _dad_ ,” Kyle repeated. “It’s not worth it. Plus, Nichole is awesome. I think you’re forgetting about her.”

“Nichole is awesome,” Bebe agreed. “She’s so awesome that she wouldn’t want you forcing yourself to be something you’re not.”

“I’m not forcing myself! I’m a lot of things.”

“The many faces of Kyle Broflovski,” Bebe announced in a deep voice. “Kyle, you’ve been hella honest today.”

“Who are you? Eric Cartman?”

“Shh. You’ve been hella honest, and I’m going to be honest with you. Kenny needs _someone’s_ help, and I don’t think he wants it to be ours. I’m not sure he even wants it to be yours, but you could do so much more than we could. I’m not saying you need to date him or break up with Nichole or even apologize if you don’t want to.”

“You told me nothing was wrong with Kenny.”

“You know that’s a lie!”

Kyle studied her intently for a second. “What got worse?”

“He’s dealing again,” she admitted.

Kyle had looked sad and angry and all the things Bebe couldn’t fault him for feeling at the moment, but every emotion slipped away when she said it. He threw his cigarette into the snow and stood up, dusting his pants off.

“I’m leaving,” he said in a steady voice. “Don’t follow.”

“Are you going home?”

“What do you think?”

Bebe grinned and extended a hand to him. He shook it hesitantly.

“You’re my friend, Kyle. Just so you know.”

*

Kenny stumbled out of the Cartman household late that evening with a few new hickeys that he thought Liane was past the age where she should be giving, but he wouldn’t complain if it meant that he got to fuck Cartman’s _mom_. You couldn’t pay for comedy better than that. Well, actually, you probably could pay, but Kenny didn’t have to.

Liane was cool and pretty hot for her age, but Kenny couldn’t deny that part of the appeal was how angry Cartman got whenever Kenny pretended to be his new dad. A new and even funnier development had occurred recently in which Cartman actually asked him the things he would ask a father figure. It was too ridiculous. Kenny didn’t know how to deal with something so funny.

It had all started because Cartman had somehow become his friend. Kenny had been smoking in the parking lot one day, and Cartman had plopped down next to him. No one spoke until Cartman asked, “so you hate the Jew too?”, and a beautiful and fucked up friendship had blossomed from there.

Cartman had shown up on Kenny’s doorstep one day with a big cardboard box, in hysterics because he thought his mother was trying to kill him. He showed Kenny the ‘weapons’, and Kenny had been forced to identify each one of the sex toys in his mother’s secret box (one of them, at least) for him. He could tell Cartman didn’t quite believe him so he left them all at Kenny’s house for his safety.

Kenny had returned them the next day. Any ordinary woman would have been embarrassed. Not Liane. Liane offered to show Kenny how they worked, and Red was busy, and it seemed stupid to pass up his very own _The Graduate_ moment. Although he supposed in that comparison, he would actually be in love with Cartman, which he decidedly was not.

He zipped up his parka and checked his fly for good measure. It was fine. Kenny was more than ready to smoke and pass out until the day reset tomorrow, and it would have been a lovely night, not unlike every night for the past month, if he hadn’t bumped into Kyle coming back from the general direction of his house.

They didn’t actually bump into each other. Kenny looked up from a fruitless search for a cigarette to see Kyle standing across the street. Kyle was staring in his direction, but he didn’t seem to be looking at Kenny. He was staring at Cartman’s house, and a nasty smile settled on Kenny’s face. If he had to run into Kyle outside of work, this was a perfect situation. He didn’t think Kyle would be comfortable enough to stop and talk.

He was. Kenny gave a small nod of mutual recognition because he remembered his manners and set off in the direction Kyle was coming from, but Kyle quickly crossed the street to block his path.

“Are you going to let me pass or do I have to answer three riddles? I don’t know the velocity of a swallow with or without coconuts so we can skip that question.”

Kyle smiled sadly. “What is your favorite color?”

“You _would_ like Monty Python.”

“I like it because it’s _your_ favorite movie.”

“False. My favorite movie is _Life of Brian_. _Holy Grail_ is a close second.”

“’Life’s a piece of shit when you look at it’,” Kyle said in agreement. “I remember now.”

Kenny looked at him mistrustfully then cracked a smile. “Truer words.”

“I like _Meaning of Life_ ,” Kyle said thoughtfully. “Or _Flying Circus_.”

“Do you remember in fourth grade when you had that research paper on malaria, and you just played the Mosquito Hunter sketch from _Flying Circus_?” Kenny asked, holding back a laugh in spite of himself.

Kyle nodded eagerly. “The one where they go out to shoot mosquitos with giant bazookas? It’s a reasonable solution to the problem. I don’t know why she failed me.”

“She had no ingenuity,” Kenny agreed. His smile faded quickly. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Do you think I want to talk to you?”

“We could keep talking about Monty Python?” Kyle asked in a small voice.

“I think I’m done here, Kyle.” Kenny gave him an ironic salute. “Pleasure as always.”

He tried to move past, and Kyle reached out to grab his arm. “Are you dealing again, Kenny?”

Kenny cocked his head to one side. “Is that any of your business?”

“I would have thought that it was Bebe’s business.”

His eyes flashed. “Bebe talked to you?”

“She’s really cool. I see her appeal.”

“I didn’t know she knew,” Kenny muttered, momentarily horrified.

“I think she came to find me as soon as she found out.”

“Then she can’t be _that_ cool, can she?”

Kenny attempted to wriggle away, and Kyle tightened his grip warningly. “Am I really worth not talking to your best friends, Kenny? You’re being stupid.” He gestured at Cartman’s house with his free hand. “ _This_ is stupid.”

Kenny stuck a brave smile to his face. “At least I’m not lying to any of them. Did you know Nichole asked me if you and Red had some kind of history? She said you two were, and I quote, ‘weird around each other’.”

“I’m not lying to Nichole.”

“ _And then_ , I asked Red, and she said you were, and I quote, ‘weird around her’, and that she was, I continue to quote, ‘perfectly friendly’.” Kenny grinned widely. “Why are you weird around Red if you’re not lying to Nichole about something?”

“We’re not talking about me.”

“We are quite literally talking about you.”

Kyle gave him an annoyed look. “Will you take anything seriously?”

Kenny snickered. “’They say it’s all a show, keep them laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you’.”

“We’re past Monty Python quotes.”

“They phrase it better than I do.”

Kyle dropped his arm. “You could be a little less immature when your future is at stake.”

“The future is now,” Kenny said with a flourish. “Embrace it.”

Kyle clenched and unclenched his hands. “You could change this. You just don’t want to.”

“Good point.” He clapped Kyle on the shoulder. “Catch you on Monday, ‘kay, buddy?”

“We’re not done here, Kenny.” Kyle blocked his path again. “I’m not letting you go until you tell me you’re done dealing.”

Kenny was, in his defense, not at his best. He was still pretty drunk from Liane’s house, and he wasn’t used to facing his emotions. He didn’t _have_ to, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to do it because Kyle told him to. He was beyond done trying to impress him.

Instead, Kenny settled for, what he called, ‘Bebe tactics’. He looked across the street in surprise and shouted, “dude, what is that?” When Kyle looked over his shoulder, Kenny edged past him and sprinted halfway down the street. He turned around, walking backwards for a second, and called, “Bye, Kyle! See you around!”

He caught one glimpse of Kyle staring angrily after him, shaking his head to himself as he probably debated following him. In the end, Kyle was too mature to chase Kenny down the street, and he turned around and continued the walk to his house.

Kenny breathed out in relief. It didn’t really prove that he was mature, but it did the job. He continued the walk to his house in the cold, trying and failing to push the conversation out of his mind.

When he got home, Karen had already gotten back from the Broflovskis’. She was lying on the couch watching TV, and she scrambled up into a sitting position when Kenny slammed the door shut. He saw her head peak up over the couch, and her calm smile was replaced by a look of scared concern.

“Kenny?”

Kenny held up a hand to stop her. “What are you watching?”

“ _Bojack Horseman_. It’s Ike’s favorite show. He said I have to watch it.”

Kenny snorted. “I thought he was smart? That show looks stupid _as fuck_.”

“I know it does, but it’s really philosophical! I was surprised. Come here and watch.”

He jumped over the couch and landed next to her with a “woof!” of surprise. Karen cackled happily and lifted up her arm for him to cuddle underneath it.

“Can we watch _Meaning of Life_?” Kenny asked under his breath.

Karen nodded indulgently. “You don’t like the show?”

“We’ll watch it together another time. Bring Ike by sometime; I like the kid.”

Karen smiled. “I do, too.” She stood up to shift through their VHS collection, holding the movie triumphantly over her head when she found it. “Ta da!”

“You’re a wonder, Karen.”

She popped the movie into their old set and flopped back onto the couch. “So something weird happened today with Ike,” she said.

“Did he try to do sex to you? I’ll kill him.”

“The passivity makes it sound so much worse. No, he hasn’t.” Kenny looked relieved, and Karen grinned wickedly. “I’m sticking to anal until I get married.”

“Not funny, Karen! I make those kinds of jokes! You blush and pretend you don’t get them!”

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s not in _my_ ass.”

“Karen, this is the least funny thing you’ve ever done,” Kenny said sternly. “If you care about your boyfriend’s life, you will stop.”

“Get it, Kenny? Get it? I’m saying I fuck him with a-.”

“I get the joke, Karen. If he’s teaching you to act like this, he’s getting a serious talking to.”

“Film the conversation.”

“That would incriminate me in case he reaches his sudden and unexpected demise.” Kenny wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Just tell me what happened, and never talk like this again.”

“Sure, prude.” Karen ruffled his hair, and Kenny made a noise of protest. “Kyle found out Ike and I are dating.”

“You said you’d wait two months!”

Karen fiddled with her bangs absent-mindedly. “Yes, well, I like hanging out at their house. Ike and I can’t fight your battles for you. _Listen to me_ , Kenny. Kyle said this really weird thing about how Ike shouldn’t date me because I’m a McCormick. Ike said it wouldn’t be a problem, and I kind of dropped the subject.” She looked at him with huge eyes. “Do you think it’ll be fine?”

“It better be, or I really _will_ kill him,” Kenny said darkly. “What the hell does that even mean? What’s wrong with being a McCormick?”

Karen looked around their house deliberately, and Kenny waved it off. “Besides the obvious things.”

“Well, the obvious things are the reason, Kenny. I just thought you’d want to know.”

Kenny gritted his teeth and nodded. “Let’s just watch the movie.”

Karen poked him in the ribs. “He _likes_ you.”

“I know he does, Karen. I don’t like him.”

“You gave up so easily,” Karen muttered.

“I was in a competition I didn’t know about!” Kenny cried defensively. “If I had known before it was _months_ too late, I would have done something. If you and Ike spend all your time talking about your brothers, you two have an even weirder dynamic than I imagined.”

“I told you – we spend all our time fuh- fuh- getting laid.”

Kenny struggled to look angry then broke down in loud laughter. “When did you become cool?”

“Like, a few months ago. Get with it, Kenny.”

Kenny allowed her to rest her legs across his lap as they watched the movie in silence, only breaking the quiet with loud peels of laughter every few minutes. He struggled not to think about any of Karen’s advice or his newfound hatred of his surname. It really didn’t matter.


	8. Boycott Kenny McCormick

“Well, this sucks.”

“Stop complaining, Craig!”

“I’m not complaining. I’m making an objective observation. This sucks.”

“Too bad because you’re sticking to it.”

“We could just not buy from _him_! There are other dealers!”

“I heard Towelie is back in town.”

“Towelie is so unreliable.”

“Stop it! You’re not smoking, and that’s that.”

“Get off my back, woman.”

Bebe flipped Clyde off, and he stuck his tongue out. They were sitting in a circle with Token, Craig and Tweek. Token had suggested that maintaining the rituals of smoking would make it easier to go sober, and everyone had begrudgingly agreed. Now, instead of enjoying a joint among friends, Bebe was pulling the filter off her cigarette to give her a bigger head rush. It was the bottom of the barrel, but it was something.

Token raised his fist in solidarity with her. “Boycott Kenny McCormick.”

“Boycott Kenny McCormick!” She agreed with forced enthusiasm. The other three hadn’t wanted to stop smoking, and, realistically, there was no reason why they should. None of them had a serious problem (in comparison to Kenny, at least), and Kenny was never going to follow _their_ lead. Token’s argument had been that they were undeniably the epicenter of drug use in the school, and if they stopped, a few other people would follow suit. Anything that cost Kenny customers was worth a try.

Clyde, who never smoked cigarettes, eyed Bebe for a second before extending his hand to take one. Craig smacked it away and shook his head.

“Stop replacing addictions. Just smoke weed with me and Tweek when they’re not around to police us.”

“You can’t do that!” Bebe yelled in annoyance. Her temper had gotten a few feet shorter in the four days since she stopped smoking, and Craig grated on every nerve. “It’s all of us together!”

Tweek raised a hand. “What about my medicinal prescription?”

“Stop filling it, Tweek,” Bebe snapped.

“It’s medicine.”

“It’s medicin _al_ ,” Bebe corrected. “We have to stand together, Tweek, or I’m _obviously_ not staying sober.”

“Okay. Don’t.” Craig shrugged. “See if we care.”

Clyde looked like he was in deep thought, his forehead scrunched up cutely. “Weed is legal. Why do you have or need a medicinal prescription, Tweek? Can’t your parents just buy it for you?”

Craig groaned, and Tweek wailed, “He’s onto us!”

Token smacked a hand on the ground decisively. “We’re not going to have a good time if we just sit around wishing we were still smoking! Let’s go enjoy fresh air! Let’s go to the arcade!”

Bebe lay down on her back to stare up at the ceiling. “I really don’t want to do that.”

Token wilted. “Yeah, my neither.”

“I want to go to the arcade!” Clyde said.

“We’re over the arcade idea, _Clyde_ ,” Bebe said, spitting out his name like it was a dirty word. “Let’s just – can you guys not talk for a bit? Let’s just sit in silence.”

Craig raised a hand. “I have a game. Let’s nominate ‘worst sober person we know’. I say it’s Bebe.”

“Shut up, Craig!”

“Definitely Bebe,” Clyde agreed.

Bebe gnashed her teeth. “I’m _fine_.” This had been her idea. If she couldn’t stick with it, no one else would. That said, it was absolutely awful, and she had no idea how Kenny had done this so effortlessly the year before. He must have really liked Kyle to deal with this sudden build-up of stress. She felt sad for a second, then she was back to being annoyed.

“Get up, dude,” Token said, nudging her. It wasn’t fair that Token was handling sobriety so admirably. She assumed he didn’t want her to see him struggling when it clearly sucked for her, but she wished he would sympathize (aka wallow in pity with her) a little more. Bebe shot him a dirty glance from the floor, and he rolled his eyes. “I’m going to give you a massage. Come on.”

Bebe pushed herself up. “You should have just said so.”

Token was _amazing_ at this. It was a special skill of his that he had hidden until Kenny went sober the year before, and suddenly Token was the only thing able to get all the tense knots out of his back. Token really knew how to save the best for crunch time; it made these little attentions more special, and Bebe felt a huge rush of gratitude at Token for swallowing sobriety without a grimace in order to help the rest of them.

She was grateful to everyone, really. Craig was an ornery bastard, but she suspected that, even if he wasn’t willing to admit it, he would stick to their plan for Kenny’s sake. She was pretty sure that Tweek had started sharing his Xanax prescription with him a bit more, but she’d take what she could get. Clyde, who never had a problem with Kenny dealing (in fact, he had more of a problem with Kenny _quitting_ dealing), had given up without a fight. They were all doing this for nothing, but they were doing it.

Craig yawned and stretched in that pointedly detached way he did when he was going to drop a bomb. He was shockingly good at commanding the attention in the room; Craig would be a born leader if he didn’t think the majority of the human race was full of shit. “The Broflovski boy is living in my house.”

Token froze. His hands, which had been rubbing Bebe’s neck so nicely a few seconds before, tightened in a vice-like grip. “Your house?”

“Ike or Kyle?” Bebe wriggled away from Token, and he gave her an apologetic look, only just realizing he had had her in a chokehold.

“Ike,” Craig said with a strange look.

“Why isn’t he living at home?” Clyde asked. “They should just give him back to his parents if they don’t want him.”

“That’s not how adoption works, _Clyde_ ,” Bebe said, once again punctuating his name angrily. “That’s not how adoption works, right?”

Token nodded. “Are you fucking with us, Craig?”

“Because you prize me for my creativity?”

“That’s true,” Clyde said. “Craig has no imagination.”

“Craig has a great imagination! He has a whole bunch of characters, and - .” Tweek fell silent under Craig’s pointed glare. Under any other circumstances, Bebe would have buried her face in Token’s neck to hide her laughter, but nothing seemed especially funny.

Clyde whispered, “Spaceman Craig,” and Craig shot Tweek a betrayed look.

“He guessed!” Tweek explained.

“Why is Ike at your house, Craig?” Token asked patiently.

Token hadn’t met the kid. Bebe had only talked to him once at Kyle’s house, but she did like him, and she really liked Karen. She probably loved Karen. Bebe had always wanted a sibling, and she didn’t think she could count Kenny as her brother after sleeping with him twice. That seemed iffy.

She had wanted to introduce him to Token, but she couldn’t think of any valid reason for starting a conversation with a ninth grader just because his girlfriend was her ex-best friend’s little sister. There were a few too many degrees of separation. Bebe had mentioned without explanation that Kyle was now a friend of hers, and therefore Token’s, but Token would believe it when he saw it.

Actually, he had seen it, and he still didn’t believe it. If Token had been shocked that _Kenny_ liked Kyle, he was absolutely flabbergasted to see him with Bebe. Kenny and Kyle had some things in common; at the very least, they had a shared history. Still, Token had watched Bebe and Kyle laughing by his locker during school, although they both looked somewhat uncomfortable to be showing the new friendship in public, and Bebe had even joined him and Nichole at the local diner after school one day.

Craig always took his time speaking when he had something important to say. Bebe couldn’t imagine how Tweek lived with that constant frustration, but he must have found a way. “Apparently he’s getting a crash course in what it’s like to be homeless.”

“Your house is not a home?” Clyde asked.

“Poetic,” Craig said with a grin. “I don’t really know. I just thought you’d care because he’s always with the McCormicks’ monstrous brood in the halls.”

“Don’t tell me Ruby is _also_ Ike’s best friend.”

Craig wrinkled his nose. “Ruby hates men. She’s Karen’s best friend, and Karen didn’t want Ike to live with that little Goth kid.”

“That kid is _creepy_ ,” Clyde agreed.

“Should we call child services?” Token asked.

“It’s not the parents’ fault that he’s Goth,” Clyde said. “He probably just chose that lifestyle.”

Token gave him a withering look. “For _Ike_ , Clyde. Not for the Goth.”

“Michael,” Bebe said after a long period of thought. “That’s his name.”

Craig shook his head. “That’s Goth Senior. Michael’s graduated. Goth Junior’s name is Firkle.”

“I’m having a hard time understanding how Ike got to the point where the _Tuckers_ were his best option,” Token said. “No offense.”

“None taken. I hate my family.”

“Is this really all the information you have, Craig?” Token asked. “Some random kid showed up in your house, and you were just like ‘well, that’s new’ and didn’t question anything?”

Craig shrugged. “He’s not random. I know Ike.”

“Is he there now?” Bebe was already tugging on her jacket as she asked.

Craig checked his watch. He looked up in surprise. “Why is it only 2:43? Did we skip school?”

“It’s Saturday,” Token said with a worried look. “You good, dude?”

Craig sighed. “I just remembered weekends as being fun.”

Clyde put a hand to his heart sadly.

Tweek gave Craig a nudge. “Call Ruby, Craig!”

He rolled his eyes. “I really don’t think we’ll get any information from it, but whatever. I’ll poke The Bear.”

 “It?” Bebe asked.

“The Bear?” Token added.

Clyde beamed at him like he had never found anything more adorable than the Tucker family apathy.

“Don’t expect much,” Craig warned.

“Yes, Craig. We’ve all met Ruby. If you hadn’t been in the room, I would have thought it was you in a wig,” Token said brusquely.

Craig looked affronted. “She’s _short_.”

*

Ruby was everything Craig described and more. After coming to terms with seeing a perfect hybrid of Red and Craig, Token began to get a sense of what hell it must been to grow up as a Tucker. She was tough, sarcastic, and seemed to think of herself as God’s gift to the planet – a classic Tucker trait that must have clashed horribly with all of God’s other gifts in the same house. She didn’t speak much, and when she did, it was with the same calm purpose that drew everyone’s attention immediately. Her orange hair was up in a tight bun that only accentuated Craig’s features on her face, and she smiled, if possible, even less frequently.

Token knew Karen much better. She had the McCormick genes in her, but she couldn’t be likened to any member of the family. For one thing, she was completely sober. He included alcohol there, and Token was a bit worried their household didn’t offer any other source of calories. She was very skinny, like Kenny, and looked like she had stopped growing in fifth grade. She always wore a big, open smile on her face that seemed to disguise any negative emotions; that must have been the Kenny in her, but unlike Kenny, Token wasn’t sure if she actually had any negative emotions to hide.

Ike was nowhere to be found, and Token would have liked to meet the famous Ike. He and Bebe had shared bewilderment at this unlikely McCormick-Broflovski relationship, but Bebe had promised that Ike was very cool and likable. She had called it “what Kenny and Kyle could have been if they had any give-and-take”. In other words, what Kenny and Kyle would never be.

Ruby and Karen were sprawled out on the couch. Some show where intermittent characters had the faces of animals was playing on the TV, but neither were paying attention to it. Karen had a stick and a bandana on her lap, and she seemed to be trying to set up a makeshift bindle. Token supposed every bindle was makeshift, but Karen’s seemed more pathetic and less sturdy than the average.

“Do you think he’ll find it funny?” She was asking in a soft voice as Token followed Craig, Bebe, Tweek and Clyde inside the house.

Ruby gave an ox-like snort. “Do you think he finds any of this funny?”

Karen deflated, but she didn’t cast the bindle down on the floor. She set it gently to the table at her side.

Neither of them seemed to register the introduction of five seniors into the house until Ruby, without looking at the door, turned down the psychedelic, jazzy theme song and threw the remote back down on the couch. “ _Hi, Craig_ ,” she called in a long-suffering voice like her brother was an imposition on her home.

Karen’s face turned white as she examined the guests. Token could see her eyes searching for someone in the group of friends, and she looked noticeably relieved when her search came up short. Token could only guess that they were looking out for Kyle, Kenny or both. It would make sense. Someone had to put an end to this nonsense, and no one would do that better than their older brothers.

“Rue, rue, rue your boat,” Clyde called jovially. “How’s my favorite Tucker?”

Ruby looked unimpressed. “Don’t call me that, Donovan.”

Apparently Craig’s off-hand comment about Ruby hating men was mostly correct. Clyde looked hurt, and Craig sneered at his little sister and flipped her off. She matched him perfectly. Token was starting to understand why Craig never had them around his house if this little troll was guarding the bridge.

That was mean. She was a freshman, and no one in her family had ever taught her social skills.

“Hey, guys!” Karen said, her warmth making Ruby seem all the less friendly. She looked nervous, but she was hiding it well. “It’s so funny our brothers are friends, Ruby.”

“Funny,” Craig and Ruby agreed before glaring at each other like they had stolen the response from one another.

Clyde blew out a breath. “I love basking in the warmth of a loving family. No, no. Don’t stop hugging on my account. Your displays of love aren’t making me uncomfortable.”

“Shut it,” they responded.

They glared at each other. “Stop doing that,” they tried again.

They stared for another second, then Ruby nodded for Craig to go ahead. Craig said, “Fuck you, Ruby!”, and she smiled benignly.

“I can only assume you’re here to interrogate my friends about their personal lives,” she responded noncommittally. “Would you like to start now, or should I grab some truth serum first? I can get our polygraph machine from the back.”

“You know me, Ruby. The only truth serum I believe in is good, old-fashioned water boarding.”

“Charming.”

“You started this. I escalated it.”

“Gitmo was my favorite Gremlin,” Clyde interjected.

Ruby looked at him dully. “His name was Gizmo.”

“Oh, I know. I’m just baiting you.” Clyde dropped down on the couch next to her and ruffled her hair. “Show some love for your favorite brother-friend, Ruby!”

She scowled. “Tweek is my favorite. Hi, Tweek.”

He gave a small wave. “Hi, Ruby!”

“What does Tweek have that I don’t, Rue?”

“My good opinion,” she responded without a second thought.

Karen frowned at her. “You’re being mean, Ruby.” She turned her wide-eyed gaze back to Bebe and Token. “ _Are_ you guys just here to question us?”

Bebe and Token had been exchanging the awkward glances that plagued all Tucker family encounters. He was pretty sure that Craig loved his sister; he would get a weirdly, misty-eyed smile whenever she said something particularly offensive. In between those small displays of love, they seemed to share nothing but dislike and a small amount of begrudging respect that, at least, they were still cooler then everyone _else_ in the room.

“We are,” Craig said. “Where is he?”

Karen rolled her eyes. “Not here.”

“Not everyone keeps constant tabs on their familiar,” Ruby said harshly.

Craig raised an eyebrow. “Are you comparing Ike to Tweek or Stripe III?”

“Woah, did Stripe II die?” Clyde asked in horror. “And what happened to Spot?”

“I hated Spot. He had a stupid coat.”

“He was always a black sheep,” Clyde muttered.

“With a white spot!” Bebe said, raising her hand for a high five which Token would ordinarily have returned. Today, they had more important things to discuss than puns. It was rare, but those days did occasionally come.

“Is Ike actually living here, Karen?”

Ruby groaned. “Well, there goes Kenny not knowing. Ike should just live at your house.”

“If you kept me in the loop, this wouldn’t have happened,” Craig answered.

“Woah,” Bebe said. “Kenny doesn’t know? Does Kyle know?”

“I think Kyle might have figured it out when Ike wasn’t at breakfast today,” Karen said in a voice clearly struggling to seem nonchalant. “Ike’s going to talk to him later. It’s only for a couple weeks.”

Ruby stretched and stood up from the couch. “Is it mean if I go pack his stuff? He can live with you now, right?”

Karen gaped at her. “Yes, it’s mean, Ruby! He’s your guest!”

“He’s _your_ guest in _my_ house. I barely know him, and you won’t be able to stay here with us every night. I’m going to use my discretion.” She nodded to Craig and his friends and pivoted on her heel, jogging up the creaky stairs without looking back.

Bebe forced a smile. “She was pleasant.”

Karen rolled her eyes. “She’s putting on a show for you guys. She’s not so bad. She let Ike stay here.”

“I can confirm that she actually is that bad,” Craig said. “Don’t let Karen’s ruby-tinted glasses mislead you.”

“Ruby-tinted glasses, _nice_ ,” Clyde said appreciatively. “I’ve never heard you have fun with words before, Craig.”

Craig smirked. “Ruby told me I would rue the day I made jokes about her name. And the crazy part is: she didn’t get why that was funny.” He looked astounded.

Bebe sat down on the couch where Ruby had left and put her arm around Karen, who looked suddenly wary at being the center of attention in the group. “So, Karen, Craig might have been a little too lenient when he heard about Ike last night.”

“Luckily we have Bebe here to be a responsible adult,” Craig said.

“He can’t live at your house,” Bebe continued as if Craig had never interrupted her. “He needs to go back to his family or, I don’t know, go to prison or something. Where do unwanted children go?” She asked, looking back at Token and Tweek.

Token pulled her up from the couch and sat down in her place. “I’m tagging in. That’s enough of that.”

“I was doing fine!”

“You really weren’t,” Karen said quietly.

“What’s going on, Kare? Talk to big brother Token.” He, too, wrapped his arm around Karen’s shoulders, and she leaned into him willingly. “Why did Ike run away?”

“Ike didn’t _run away_. And he’s not an _unwanted child_.” Karen looked insulted on his behalf. “He’s just going to be living with Ruby for a couple weeks.”

“ _Au contraire_ ,” Ruby shouted from upstairs. Only Craig and Tweek looked unsurprised about how thin the walls of this house must be. “ _He’ll be living with you for a couple weeks, ma cherie.”_

“Okay, so, why isn’t he going home?” Token asked reasonably.

“He’s getting a crash course in being homeless,” Karen said with a bitter smile.

Craig snorted. “I told you guys.”

“Obviously we didn’t believe you, Craig. That’s nonsense. What do you mean, Kare Bear?” Bebe asked, cutting Token off before he could speak.

Karen sighed. “It means Ike is getting a taste of what it’s like to be homeless. They wouldn’t have done this if they didn’t know he’d be fine.”

“I’m not following,” Bebe said.

“A couple _weeks_?” Token asked, incredulous. “Someone find the number for child services. For real this time.”

“Yeah, let’s be the friends Butters never had!” Clyde cheered mockingly. No one laughed, and he looked around sadly. “Are we not making jokes about mistreated children? We’re not at that point yet?”

“We’re never going to be at that point,” Craig said. “Good try, though. Your heart’s in the right place.”

Tweek scrunched his nose up. “No, it isn’t.”

“Stop it!” Karen yelled. Something clattered up above, and she glanced up nervously. “You guys are all over the place! Ike is fine! We’re both fine! His parents don’t want him at home for a little bit, and you guys shouldn’t pry. That’s rude.”

Token looked at Craig, Clyde and Tweek deliberately. “Can you guys clear out for a bit so we can talk?”

“Cool, not like it’s my house or anything,” Craig said. “Go wild.”

Clyde jumped up from the couch. “Beer, guys? Want to get a beer?”

“My dad will kick my ass if I drink his,” Token heard Craig saying as they wandered out of the room. “Let’s go see if Ruby has any Vodka hidden around.”

When it was safely Karen, Token, and Bebe in this house in which everyone could hear everyone else, Bebe returned to a spot next to Karen on the couch and smiled at her encouragingly.

“I’m sorry I called your boyfriend an unwanted child.”

“It’s okay. I don’t think he’d mind, actually,” Karen said. “I’ve already told you guys everything there is to know! He has to live on his own for a little bit, and then he can go back.”

“Wow, it really does sound eerily similar to something that happened with Butters, like, a few months ago,” Token murmured.

Karen rolled her eyes. “I get it. My grade is one big rip-off of your guys’ weird friend group. We can’t even get kicked out of our houses in an original way!”

“Aha!” Bebe cried. “He was kicked out!”

“We’re not interrogating her, Bebe,” Token said soothingly. “Why did he have to leave, Karen?”

Karen met Bebe’s eyes, and they seemed to have a silent conversation from which Token was excluded.

Finally, in a quiet voice, Bebe asked, “But it’s not going to be forever?”

“He just has to do it for two weeks.”

“What about some good, old-fashioned, clandestine dating? That’s romantic, right?”

“We’re not going to hide it from his parents!”

“Woah, woah,” Token held his hands up to slow the conversation down. “I’m really not following this. How does you two dating connect to Ike getting kicked out of his house?”

“For two weeks,” Karen added, like this was an important fact he kept missing. She gave Bebe an impressed smile. “ _Really_ good job keeping a secret, Bebe. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

Bebe blushed humbly. “I’d never done it before,” she admitted.

“Ike’s parents don’t want Ike dating a McCormick,” Karen said in a brave voice. Token looked aghast, but Bebe did not seem surprised. This must have been why she hadn’t shared any details of going to Kyle’s house except the fact that Ike was now dating Karen. Karen was right – it had been impressive that Bebe managed to keep the secret. “So now Ike is a pov. Just like me,” she said in a sing-song voice.

Token had been wrong. Karen’s ability to mask her emotions was _exactly_ like Kenny’s. She was even better at it, though, because she didn’t have to use drugs to get there.

“Sheila allowed this?”

Karen toyed with her hair casually. “I don’t know if she really got a say in the matter.”

She was definitely leaving something important out. There was no way Sheila Broflovski would let her youngest leave the house for a whole night without telling her where he was doing, much less two weeks. Bebe seemed to have reached the same conclusion because she asked, “What aren’t you telling us, Karen?”

“Oh, lots of things,” Karen said in an idle voice.

“You know what I think?” Bebe asked.

Karen gave her a look like she didn’t really care either way, and Bebe pushed on.

“I don’t think they would tell Ike to leave.”

“Don’t you?” Ruby asked, coming back down the stairs, presumably, to save Karen from questioning. “You’re certainly an expert on the matter. Did my brother leave?”

“ _We’re in the kitchen_ ,” came Craig’s voice.

“ _Do you have any drank_?” Clyde asked.

Bebe grinned at Ruby. “How many times have you heard Tweek and Craig have sex?”

“ _Too many_ ,” said Craig from the other room.

“ _Can we stop pretending not to listen_?” Tweek asked.

Karen stood up to join Ruby. “You guys should go hang out with your friends. I promise there’s no mystery here to uncover.”

“Bull-fucking-shit,” said Token. “Tell me what’s going on or I’ll…” He trailed off, failing to think of an adequate threat.

“Talk to Kyle!” Bebe supplied.

“Exactly! I’ll talk to Kyle!”

“ _Not Kenny_?” Craig called. “ _You guys have a_ problem _.”_

“We’re going to tell him tonight!” Karen said in a disgusted voice like she couldn’t even handle them suggesting they wouldn’t tell him. “For one thing, it’ll make him _love_ Ike. I’m not going to waste brownie points for my boyfriend.”

“I don’t think Ike was kicked out,” Bebe whispered to Token. Token gave her an amused look; Bebe hadn’t been sitting next to him and had to lean over Karen’s lap to whisper anything. Karen stood up from the couch and dusted herself off.

“I’ll leave you guys to your speculation,” she said in a voice that clearly said _this conversation is over_. “I don’t really care if you talk to Kyle. He should know his little brother is fine. If you’d excuse me, I’m going to go tell Kenny about Ike before he hears from someone else.”

                                                                             *

Kenny heard from someone else.

He was woken up from his nap on the couch by furious knocking on his front door, and he groped around on the floor blindly for his bong to take a hit for the long road to his front door and back.

He was glad he had. Kyle was standing on his doorstep with his hair wild around his face without his ushanka to control it, and he pushed through without a greeting. “Ike?” He called loudly. “Ike, get the fuck downstairs.”

“Hello to you too,” Kenny muttered. “Is Ike here?”

“Probably,” Kyle spat. “Apparently he walked out during dinner last night. My mom’s been crying for hours, and I’m _pretty sure_ my parents are going to get a divorce so if he’s here, don’t try to hide him.”

Kenny held his hands up innocently. “I’m not hiding anyone, Anne Frank.”

“Anne Frank was the one _in_ hiding,” Kyle said in an irritated voice. Kenny gave him a calm smile because riling Kyle up had to be one of his favorite activities. Obviously he knew who Anne Frank was. She was a dirty bird, and Kenny admired that. “Just go get Ike.”

“I’ll check Karen’s room, but I’ve been in all day, and no one’s come in. I’m pretty sure she’s not even here.”

Kyle’s eyes drifted over the bong and a few smashed beer cans by the couch. He gave Kenny a sad look, but his voice sounded a lot more mocking as he asked, “Having a productive day?”

“Yeah, lots of product,” Kenny said with a smirk. “I’ll be right back, okay? Help yourself to, um, who am I kidding? Just sit on the couch and glare at the bong like it insulted your mother.”

Without another word, Kenny turned on his heel and sprinted up the stairs. He called Ike and Karen’s names a few times to no response and hesitantly opened the door to Karen’s room. He always felt bad about barging into her room without permission when he and Kevin were both so private about what happened in their bedrooms, but he knew Karen wouldn’t mind.

Her room was by far the cleanest in the house even though no amount of tidiness would make up for the scuffed floors, cracks in the walls, and beat-up furniture that probably wasn’t that nice even when it was new. She had a few faded posters of the Jonas Brothers on the walls that she must have put up in fifth grade and left ironically to yellow. Maybe she wore a promise ring. He wouldn’t wish one on his worst enemy, but his little sister who had her first boyfriend? Yeah, he was rooting for a promise ring.

There were no signs that another person had spent the night, but Kenny didn’t know what he’d been expecting to find. Ike wouldn’t bring a sleeping bag to his girlfriend’s house.

God, he hoped they weren’t having sex.

Kenny trudged back down the stairs to report to Kyle, but he stopped dead at the image in his living room. It was probably perfect – the kind of sight that Kenny wanted to come home to everyday. White smoke was flooding his bong as Kyle sucked in, the zippo Kenny had found lying on the floor of a concert a year ago clutched in one hand as he lifted the slide with his free hand. It didn’t hurt that Kenny had picked his bong because it was the most phallic in the shop.

He stood by the stairs for a few seconds, just watching as Kyle clamped his hand over the mouth to prevent the smoke he couldn’t inhale from escaping. He tilted his head back and exhaled slowly before finishing the rest of the hit. Kenny was honestly impressed that he had done it without coughing; Kyle had never been especially good at that in the few times they had smoked together.

He was pretty sure that people smoking was the absolute sexiest thing in the whole world. Kenny had watched Red do just this in a totally awesome, stoner form of foreplay, and this was a million times better. He forced himself to take a step from the stairs before Kyle noticed that someone was staring at him, and Kyle’s eyes flew open as he choked on the rest of the smoke.

Well, he’d done well not coughing for most of the hit.

“Are you that stressed?” Kenny asked, half-laughing. “I really didn’t think you’d take me up on that offer.”

Kyle gave him a dark look. “My little brother ran away.”

“Fair enough,” Kenny said, dropping next to him on the couch and extending a hand for the bong. Kyle took another hit before passing it back, and Kenny actually laughed. “How do you know he ran away? Maybe he was abducted by aliens again.”

“Should we go check Cartman’s ass?”

Kenny made a face. “Please, God, let that never be the solution to a problem ever again.” He looked around the room for the remote control, finding it slid halfway under the couch. “Are you staying here until Ike comes by?”

Kyle’s eyes widened. “That’s an option?”

Kenny rolled his eyes. “I’m not a monster, dude. I have a little sister. This can’t be fun.” He started flipping through channels disinterestedly. “If you’re stressed enough to smoke weed, you’re probably freaking out.”

“I am freaking out,” Kyle agreed. “You think he’ll come by here?”

“Unless they’ve eloped.” Kenny froze. “You don’t think they eloped, do you?”

Kyle shook his head. “From what I gathered from in between my mom’s sobs,” Kenny winced sympathetically, “he got in a fight with my dad and left to prove that he wouldn’t need their money.”

Kenny grinned. “He’s a great kid.”

“He ran away from home!”

“Just because _you_ don’t stand up to your father doesn’t mean it’s the wrong this to do.” He clicked the TV off and threw the remote on the couch. “Daytime television sucks. I’m going to go get my speakers from my room.”

Kyle gave him a weak wave goodbye, and Kenny carefully wedged the bong between his legs, earning a bemused look from Kyle, before jogging up the stairs. Once he was in the room, he realized what a stupid idea this was. He wouldn’t have to talk to Kyle if they watched TV. People didn’t sit quietly and listen to music. Making conversation was the last thing he wanted to do. Probably because it was just so _easy_ with Kyle. It was as easy as talking to Bebe and Token, and he didn’t even _like_ Kyle. They had shared their entire childhood, and they had overlapping taste in most things, even if Kyle was _cultured_. There was enough to fill the silence.

With a sigh, he grabbed his speakers from the corner of the room and walked down the stairs like he was headed to his execution.

Kyle was curled up in a ball with his legs against his chest when Kenny flopped down next to him on the couch. The bong sat on the floor, and Kyle’s eyes looked pink already. Kenny smiled a little. He remembered when his tolerance permitted only a few hits; they were much cheaper days.

Kenny picked it back up from the floor, and Kyle gave a start like he hadn’t been expecting Kenny to return. Kenny tossed an old iPod into Kyle’s lap and gestured for him to choose the music. This was Kenny at his most hospitable. Kyle probably wouldn’t even choose rap now that Kenny had some of Red’s shitty old music on his iPod to choose from. He’d been forced to download the discographies of the Beatles and Cat Stevens when he discovered that it was the only way to chill Red out when she got particularly Craig-like.

Kyle scrolled through the iPod like it was the most engrossing thing he had ever done while Kenny smoked and stared deliberately at the black screen of the television set.

“Do you listen to anyone besides rap?”

“Some old shit for Red and some indie music.”

“Do you mean fun.? That’s not indie. The Strokes are indie.” Kyle looked up from the iPod with a mildly disturbed look on his face. “Why do you own so much fun.?”

Kenny made a broken, moaning noise. “Why do I get so much shit for liking fun.? They’re a good band!”

“They weren’t even cool when they were popular.” Kyle scrolled for a little longer then paused, making a confused face that made Kenny smile. “You have _all_ the Beatles?”

“They’re Red’s favorite band,” Kenny said with a sigh.

“Yeah, mine, too,” Kyle muttered, picking a song that Kenny didn’t know the name of. Red had said that Kenny was barely a member of the human race for not listening to the Beatles before they started hooking up, but Kenny didn’t think most people actively listened to them like she did. Red was just an old man, through and through.

“What is this? It’s terrible.”

“It _is_ terrible. Your iPod won’t come off shuffle, and it’s on the White Album.”

“Who turns ‘remember all our good songs’ into one bad song? That’s so sad. Also, you can press ‘skip’, first foolio.” Kenny worried for a second that it was a little too familiar to use the insult that he and Kyle had come up with during English class at the beginning of the year, but Kyle looked a little pleased.

“It’s meant to be a joke. It’s called Glass Onion.”

“Put on early Beatles. Put on that ‘isn’t it good – Norwegian Wood’ song.”

Kyle looked up from the iPod to give Kenny an incredulous look. “Don’t pretend you don’t know the name. You just said the name.”

Kenny grinned and took another hit before responding. “Isn’t It Good?”

“You’re incorrigible,” Kyle said, changing the album to Rubber Soul.

“Encourageable?” Kenny repeated, not understanding.

As much as Kenny didn’t know about what he was saying, talking about the Beatles managed to get them through the next hour. Kyle was an old man, too, apparently, and he was just explaining how the band dissolved during the Get Back sessions when Karen and Ike burst in the front door. Ike had a backpack slung over his back and Kyle’s hat perched unbalanced on his head. Karen was wearing Kenny’s old, orange parka, and Kyle seemed too startled by the sight of this pairing to say anything for a second. Karen didn’t look anything like her brother, and Ike was adopted, but Kenny had to admit seeing the hat and parka together on members of their family was a bit like looking in a funhouse mirror.

“Well, hello,” Kenny drawled, breaking the silence. “Fancy meeting you two here.”

Ike and Karen shared a look.

“Are we in trouble?” she asked after a pause. “We were coming to tell you, Kenny.”

“When were you going to tell _me_?” Kyle asked in disbelief.

Ike shrugged a shoulder. “Didn’t you figure it out on your own?”

“I should have heard it from _you_.”

Ike gave him an apologetic smile. “You’re actually right. That was uncool of me. Were you guys hanging out?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Kyle snapped. “You have to come home. Mom misses you.”

“I think I’m going to stay here if that’s cool with you, Kenny. Send mom my love.” Ike joined them around the TV and dropped his backpack on the floor by his feet. Karen perched on the arm of his chair, resting an elbow on Ike’s shoulder comfortably.

“Fine by me,” Kenny grunted. “Butters lived here for a week a couple months back.”

Karen scowled. “God dammit. We actually are a mirror image of your friend group.”

“Speaking of mirror images, why are you guys wearing our clothing? Don’t get me wrong – I love the chance to make fun of Kyle’s hair as much as the next guy, but you have your own clothing.”

Ike took off the hat and tossed it into his brother’s lap. “Oh, you know,” he said vaguely. “Roleplaying and whatnot.”

Kyle made a noise like an animal dying in the back of his throat, tugging the hat on over his curls nevertheless, and Kenny roared with laughter. Under most circumstances, he wouldn’t find this funny, but he liked Ike and respected his quest to making Kyle as uncomfortable as possible as often as possible. “You’re _fucking_ kidding me. Give me some dialogue examples, _please_.”

“Of course we’re kidding. Did you actually think we’d get off to our brothers?” Karen scrunched up her face like a bad smell was wafting through the room. “That’s awful, Kenny. We play Garrison and immigrant.”

Ike raised a hand lazily. “I’m Garrison. Plot twist.”

Kenny would ordinarily have been disgusted by any reference to his sister’s roleplaying habits, but he was pretty sure they were being facetious (fuck Kyle. He knew big words.), and it was a pretty good joke. “Welcome to the family, Yung Ike.”

Ike leaned over to high five Kenny, and Kyle looked enraged.

“Ike, you _have_ to come with me. I’m not leaving til you do.”

Ike looked from Kyle to Kenny in a smug way and smirked. “That sounds worse for you than for me. Go for it, Kyle.”

“Should I bring some blankets for the couch?” Karen added.

Kenny snorted. “All none of our spare blankets?”

Ike leaned forward to examine Kyle’s eyes. He raised an eyebrow speculatively and asked, “Kyle, were you _smoking_? You know you’re underage, right?”

“Stop trying to change the subject,” Kyle said. “Why does no one but me take anything seriously?”

“Because there’s no reason to,” Kenny said. “I promise I’ll take _great_ care of your little brother, Kyle.”

“I’ll tell mom where you are,” Kyle said, glaring at Ike.

“I’m sure she guesses,” Ike said matter-of-factly. “I’ll come home once my point is proven.”

“What point are you trying to make, Ike? You’re thirteen! You can’t leave home!”

“We used to leave home all the time when we were in, like, third grade,” Kenny whispered to Kyle, and Kyle scoffed like this wasn’t a valid point.

“We were saving the world!”

“We were hanging out with stoned towels.”

“You’re a stoned towel,” Kyle spat. “Ike, do you really want to live with the _McCormicks_? You know they eat poptarts for dinner, right?”

Kenny felt his stomach do a flip, and Ike made noise like an ambulance’s siren. “We’ve crossed over into ‘McCormick’ territory. You need to go, Kyle. Why don’t you, I don’t know, make your father proud or something? I’m staying here. With the McCormicks.”

Kenny was pretty sure it was his duty as Karen’s brother to be happy for her that she had a boyfriend that would stick with her even against his father’s blessing, but it just rubbed in the fact that Kyle _had_ the power to stand up for himself and chose not to. Kenny didn’t want to be angry anymore. He felt almost no familial bond to his father, but he knew other boys did. He just wasn’t worth the struggle that Ike was clearly giving. That was okay. Kenny didn’t mind.

He reached a shaking hand out for the bong and took a long hit. Karen gave him an understanding smile, but it just made him feel weirder. There were always a few minutes before a high turned bad when he knew it was coming and felt powerless to stop it. Kenny closed his eyes for a second, praying the house would clear out before it took control.

“You say making dad proud like it’s a bad thing.”

“It is, Kyle! Apologize to Karen and Kenny.”

Kyle looked back at Kenny like he was trying to assess if he had actually hurt his feelings, and Kenny gave him a condescending smile before burying his face back down in the bong. He thought he saw Kyle look almost regretful, but by the time he looked back up from the cloud of smoke, Kyle was leaving the room without another word.

Kenny wished he hadn’t taken that hit.

Ike shook his head in disgust and grabbed Karen’s hand. “Can I drop my stuff upstairs?”

She nodded and turned towards Kenny. “Want to come hang out?”

Something weird happened whenever Kyle left. Kenny always awaited the moment when Kyle would get the fuck out, and then he did, and it felt like some plunger was being removed from his chest if that was even a real sensation and not just the babbling of his stoned brain. Kyle, no matter what he did, made everything worse.

There were lots of things Kenny could choose to do with his time. He could call Red, and he knew she’d come over. If she didn’t, there was always Liane, in whom he was quickly losing interest as the novelty value and hilarity wore off, leaving him fucking Cartman’s fifty-year-old mom. Clyde, Craig and Tweek were probably hanging out, but they were usually with Token and Bebe.

Against his better judgment, Kenny shook the bong at her lightly, feeling the water sloshing up around the sides. “I’m going to finish this, but thanks for the offer.”

Karen bit her bottom lip and nodded. “We’ll be upstairs if you need anything.”

“Thanks, seester.”

“Bye, bruddah,” Karen responded lightly. Ike gave him a friendly punch in the arm, and the two of them disappeared upstairs, swinging their linked hands like they didn’t have a care in the world even when the whole world was terrible.

The world continued to get more terrible the more Kenny smoked. After thirty minutes, he felt a familiar prickling in his arms that always happened when life was about to take a turn for the Tweek. His heart was starting to pound rapidly, and he was breaking out in a cold sweat.

The most Kenny could say for it was that it hadn’t reached his mind yet. His whole body felt on edge, like spiders were crawling over him, into his mouth and tickling his throat as they made their way down into his flipping stomach. He turned up the volume on a particularly calming Beatles song, but it didn’t do any good. It just reminded him of Red, and the thought of her made him feel like bile was rising up his throat.

He looked over his shoulder nervously, expecting to see her watching him with complete understanding of what was happening. She wasn’t there. Of course she wasn’t there. He felt hands on his arms, and he scratched at himself anxiously to get the phantom limbs off him.

Kenny stumbled over to the corner where the unlidded trashcan sat – none of the food they ate was fresh enough to rot. The thought of poptarts was almost enough to make him vomit without any effort, but he ended up with his fingers down his throat to force the nausea out of his stomach. He dry-heaved for a few minutes, trying to remember when the last time he ate was, but his brain hurt when he tried to remember back further than a few minutes ago.

He let his forehead rest on the side of the trash, trying to force his brain to work fast enough to make a game plan. He had sold someone the last of his Xanax. More weed might help, but he didn’t think that was likely. The idea of talking to Red right now made him hate himself for reasons he couldn’t quite understand, and his skin crawled at the idea of someone touching him.

He forced himself onto shaky legs to walk to the fridge, but there was no more beer. That was, in retrospect, probably the only reason that he had quit drinking last night since he ordinarily worked not to remember the last thirty minutes before passing out. He thought he was going to cry for a second, but it thankfully passed as quickly as it came. No use crying over spilled beer. He slid back down to the floor, sitting with his back against the fridge as he ran through his options again.

There was one place that never failed to make him feel better, where it was warm and bright and full of love and laughter even at his worst moments. Granted, he hadn’t been there for most of his worst moments recently, but he knew he could always find help there.

He gave the bong a long look on his way out the door, torn between his faith that weed always made things better and his awareness that whatever was happening right now _was_ weed’s fault. It couldn’t be anything else. Nothing had gone wrong. It had been nice hanging out with Kyle like they were friends again. He had thought he was enjoying it at the time. He wasn’t so sure anymore.

It wasn’t worth risking this getting any worse. He threw another dirty look at the bong like it had gone out of its way to hurt him and headed out into the cold of December.

*

Token and Bebe’s early admission results from SUNY Binghamton were going to come out next week, and Token, who would actually be able to afford to go to school in New York if he got in, had decided that, now that their grades really and truly didn’t matter, it would be bad luck not to do their homework. Bebe had tried to argue that they never did it when it was _actually_ important for their college admissions, but he didn’t listen.

Bebe had been plowing through cigarettes more than ever before in the past few months. She was in a state of constant stress between college and all her recent social mistakes; she had assumed that fucking up the most important relationship in her life (she made a mental apology to Token and her parents) would _eventually_ stop making her feel terrible all the time, but so far, she had not been proven right. Token didn’t comment on it; they rarely had serious discussions about what the loss of their best friend had done to them. Bebe knew how he felt, and he knew how Bebe felt, and that was enough. They didn’t have to have a conversation about spending more time with their other friends either; they couldn’t be alone with each other for more than a few hours at a time. No one was going to replace him, but it helped just to remember that they hadn’t driven away everyone who was important.

Bebe and Token were about to step out of her house for a smoke when Token halted in his steps. Standing on the doorstep, in the flesh, was Kenny.

It wasn’t like she hadn’t been staring him down in the halls at school every day, but she wasn’t prepared to examine him up close. He had always been skinny, but he looked more like a crack addict than a lovable stoner. His clavicle jutted out, forming large valleys where Bebe was pretty sure there was supposed to be skin or fat or something. His arms dangled like useless noodles from the sleeves of his t-shirt. The only thing Bebe could find as cause for relief was that his dead, bloodshot eyes were replaced by some nervous, shifty look she hadn’t seen on Kenny’s face before.

Token’s mouth fell open in surprise, and Bebe gave Kenny a small smile with was not returned as he averted his eyes to stare at the floor a few feet from her shoe.

“So,” Kenny said finally. Bebe hadn’t wanted to be the first one to break the silence, afraid she would scare Kenny away like a skittish animal. “I, um, haven’t been sober in a long time, and I don’t really want to be alone when I come down.”

His eyes flickered between Bebe’s and the floor like he was bracing himself for her to say ‘no’. Bebe wasn’t sure what it meant that she wanted to vomit from happiness, and she launched herself immediately onto Kenny in an unreciprocated bone-crushing hug. At the moment, Bebe didn’t really care that he just stood there stiffly while she fucking crumbled. She couldn’t quite tell if she was laughing or crying, but weird sobs kept ripping out of her chest. Finally, Kenny buried his head in her shoulder and started to tremble.

Bebe murmured vague words of comfort, and Kenny nodded like he understood completely. After a long time of standing there holding each other, a third body wrapped around the two of them and Token whispered, “Glad to have you back, dude.”

Bebe gave a hysterical giggle of agreement.

It seemed like Kenny took a step back far too quickly. His eyes darted up to meet Bebe’s for a second before returning to his safe space on the ground. Bebe was shaking hard as Token’s arm wrapped around her, and he gave her an encouraging smile.

This was what she had been waiting for for over a month. She had planned this moment for so long. She had all the apologies that he had heard before on the tip of her tongue, but no words wanted to come out. Luckily, she had Token, and he was infinitely better under stress and shock than he was.

He fished a cigarette out of his pocket and popped it into Kenny’s mouth, lighting it for him without a word. They were quiet for a moment as Kenny focused on the cigarette. He looked more pale than usual, which was saying something since Kenny was the whitest wannabe-black boy she knew, and Bebe couldn’t tell if that was a constant state or due to him being out in the snow without a coat. She wished she could invite him in immediately, but Kenny’s house was the only one where they could feasibly smoke cigarettes indoors. Bebe and Token both had parents who, for lack of a better word, cared. Token’s parents didn’t even _know_ he smoked cigarettes. He carried a toothbrush with him everywhere so he could vigorously scrub his hands and brush his teeth before going back to have dinner with them.

Bebe thought it was kind of stupid. They smoked weed in his room, but Token seemed to over-estimate how quickly the smell would dissipate if done by an open window. He hadn’t been caught, but Bebe guessed that was because his parents simply couldn’t believe that he would do something like that.

“We fucked up,” Token said after Kenny was halfway done.

“I know. Please don’t apologize again.”

“I wrote you a letter,” Token said softly, and Kenny’s lip twitched.

“That’s gay.”

“You’re gay.”

Kenny tossed the cigarette in the snow. “Yeah, probably,” he said vaguely. “Want to go inside?”

“I’ll get you a blanket!” Bebe said, eager to help. She ran into the house without another word. When she was finally alone, she allowed her face to crumple as her body shook with relieved sobs. She couldn’t even think quickly enough to go to the linen closet, just grabbing the duvet from her bed and running back downstairs with it.

Token and Kenny were both situated on the couch when she got back downstairs. Kenny gave her a weird look like he knew what she had been doing, and she gave him a watery smile. He lifted his arm for her to join him, and she dropped the blanket on his lap before practically crawling into his lap.

“You’re cold as a corpse,” Bebe whispered in his ear.

“Kenny the corpsicle,” Token said. “Do you want to talk, or should I put on TV?”

“TV, please.”

She snuggled into his side, and he rested his cheek on the top of her head as Token searched through his Netflix Instant choices. Neither of them had stopped shaking since they got under the blanket, but there was something better than warmth being shared between the two of them.

Bebe would have liked to talk to him, but that could be saved for another, soberer day. She wanted to know what had brought him back, why he looked like this, why he hadn’t gone to Red as he had been for the past few months. She wondered if he would tell them if Karen had succeeded in getting him to apply to college or if she had told him about that night at Kyle’s house last week. She couldn’t bring herself to ask any of her questions. For now, she had Kenny back; he wasn’t going to smoke away his feelings anymore, and things would finally get better.


	9. The Ballad of Bebe and Token

**Sixth Grade**

“Dude,” Kenny’s voice crackled through the speaker of Token’s phone as he reclined on his old racecar bed. “You’ve gotta get to the roof. I have something to show you.”

Token was glad Kenny couldn’t see the look of confusion and disgust on his face. Kenny was supposed to be on a date with Bebe Stevens right now, and, if rumors were anything to go on, the girl was easy as shit. Token had already spent one miserable night literally twiddling his thumbs as Kenny hooked up with Annie next to him, and, as hot as the two of them were, he didn’t really want to watch Kenny score with Bebe. That could be Kenny’s private thing. Token didn’t need to be a part of it.

Heaving a sigh, Token asked, “Which roof?”

“What the hell do you mean ‘which roof’? _The_ roof, Token! Get over here!”

“Aren’t you with Bebe Stevens?” Token asked, wrinkling his nose. He knew Kenny would win out in the end, but Token would fight the whole walk there. Kenny couldn’t know how easy it was to convince him to do these things.

“Yeah, dude, that’s what I want to show you!”

“Just film it or whatever. I don’t wanna see.”

“Nasty. That’s not why I want you here!” Kenny sounded genuinely excited, and Token couldn’t deny he was intrigued. “Just show up! And bring weed!”

Kenny hung up abruptly, and Token forced himself up into a sitting position. He kicked himself the whole walk to Kenny’s neighborhood. It was dark and cold, and Token was almost certain that Kenny would be macking on Bebe by the time he got there.

They weren’t. As Token climbed up the fire escape, he could clearly hear the sound of a girl’s laughter mingling with Kenny’s hysterical wheezes. Token shook his head in resignation and pulled a baggie with a joint out of his pocket. Kenny had smoked with his brother a few months before, and he seemed determined to follow in Kevin’s questionable footsteps. Token had been friends with Kenny for about a year, and he was starting to realize that he didn’t necessarily agree with any of Kenny’s decisions. Still, he was cool, and Token couldn’t bear watching him hide in his coat and sneak bitter glances at Stan in the hallway when he thought no one was watching.

Token gave Bebe a disinterested greeting, and she responded with equal coolness. Token guessed that she wasn’t exactly stoked about Kenny inviting a friend along for their date, and she leaned closer to Kenny possessively as Token opened the ziplock.

Bebe looked at it mistrustfully. “I’ve never done that before.”

Kenny slung an arm around her and grinned ingratiatingly. “You’ll like it.”

She worried her bottom lip. “Wendy will kill me if I smoke.”

Kenny snorted. “Fuck Wendy Testaburger. Seriously.” He fished a lighter out of his pocket and handed it to Token, who accepted it with a small nod.

“She and Stan Marsh broke up again,” Bebe whispered. Of course all she was going to do was gossip. She was Bebe fucking Stevens. Token couldn’t figure out what Kenny’s M.O. was here, but he was unimpressed.

Token, never one to show the extent of his disdain, gave a forced laugh. “Ten dollars say Stan’s already painting his nails black and hanging out with the goth kids again.”

“No one would take that bet,” Bebe said with a smile.

The three of them sat on the roof, ignoring the wind biting their faces as the conversation grew easier. Bebe laughed gamely when Kenny described the first time Clyde smoked – he had tried to collect farts in a jar to condense into stars, and Craig had been pretty cruel about Clyde’s lack of scientific understanding.

Bebe, Token reluctantly admitted, was a little charming. She was clearly overwhelmed by the feeling of being high for the first time amongst boys she barely knew, but she dealt with it like a champ. She didn’t, as Token had assumed, gossip the whole time. She barely talked about the other South Park girls at all, and, when she did, she was at least clever and accurate.

Kenny tossed her a pair of headphones so she could listen to his favorite track from the new J. Cole album, and Bebe shut her eyes, bobbing her head along to the music peacefully. Kenny grinned widely at Token.

“She’s awesome, right?” He whispered conspiratorially.

Token shrugged. “I don’t think I get what your plan is here, Kenny.”

“What plan? I wanted us to hang out!”

“That’s weird. You’re weird. You’re on a date right now. I shouldn’t be here.”

Kenny frowned at him. “You don’t feel it?”

“Feel what?”

Kenny gestured wildly between the three of them. “This! Us! This is right, dude!” He gave Token one of those genuine, open smiles that Token had learned meant that Kenny felt truly comfortable with his surroundings. “I haven’t felt like this since fifth grade.”

He rarely talked about his old friends. Token knew that Kenny was happy to hang out with him, Craig, and Clyde, but he had never fully enmeshed himself with the group. Token worried sometimes that he was Kenny’s only real friend. Even though it was flattering, Kenny was the kind of person who was supposed to love a lot of people.

“Bebe has friends. She’s in with the girls.”

Kenny rolled his eyes. “What? Like Wendy? We’re way cooler than she is!”

“She thought she was going on a date with you. She doesn’t want to be _friends_.”

Kenny glanced back at Bebe, who was fist pumping to herself with a contented look on his face. He turned back to Token, positively brimming with excitement. “I’ll find a way to convince her.”

 

**Twelfth Grade**

Kenny pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head in disappointment. “It was a few months, you guys! A few months, and you devolve into… this nonsense! I didn’t realize how badly you needed me around.”

Bebe smirked at Token and held out her ecig for him to touch the tip of his to. “Don’t be jealous, Kenny. We’ll get you a matching one.”

“I don’t _want_ an ecigarette. You guys look like douches, and I won’t be a part of it.” To illustrate his point, he grabbed a real cigarette from his pack and lit it triumphantly. “Enjoy your fucking Mango-flavored vapor. Dweebs.”

Token held down the button for a few seconds extra so the vapor exploded from his mouth, completely opaque for a second then disappearing quickly. “You have to admit – this looks pretty sick.”

Kenny leaned over to blow smoke into his face, and Token hammed up a few hacking coughs.

It was amazing how quickly they all fell back into step with one another. It almost felt like Kenny hadn’t been gone, but Token knew something, buried deep within their friendship, had changed. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something was wrong with their carefully cultivated group dynamic.

His and Bebe’s smoking preferences were not the only thing that had changed in the absence. They had hung out with Clyde, Craig and Tweek a lot more, but they still had a lot of time for the two of them when ordinarily Kenny would have been around to join them. They’d had to make do, and Token thought they’d compensated pretty well all things considered.

Things weren’t right when he had to remind himself continuously that it was great to have Kenny back. Token would trade their friendship for anything in the world. He smiled to himself as Bebe coaxed Kenny into smoking her Fruit Loop-flavored ecigarette, and Kenny adamantly resisted stooping to their level of douchiness. This was how things were supposed to be.

 

**Sixth Grade**

Token cringed away from Kenny as he punched his shoulder incessantly. “There, dude! She’s alone!”

“So we corner her?” Token asked, raising an eyebrow. “Aren’t you being a little creepy?”

Kenny waved a hand airily. “Bebe doesn’t know what’s good for her. This is going to be great.” Without another word, he grabbed Token by the sleeve and dragged him down the hall towards Bebe Steven’s locker.

Bebe looked surprised to see the two of them, but she greeted them both with a hug and a smile. Token couldn’t help but notice her glance down the hall at a group of girls, headed by Red Tucker and Jenny Simon, before turning back to the two boys with a smug look on her face.

There was no way this plan would work. Bebe was way too embroiled in South Park’s weird “girl culture” to waste her time playing with boys who wouldn’t improve her reputation. Girls seemed to like the two of them when Kenny was flirting or Token was paying for a meal, but they had no interest in hanging out with them outside of those scenarios. Token wished Kenny could see that Bebe just wanted to improve her street cred, but Kenny was dead-set on convincing this girl to be his friend.

Kenny looked a lot calmer when he spoke to her. Bebe would never guess how long he’d spent thinking about how best to approach her. He just held his hand out to grab her backpack and slung it over his shoulder. “C’mon, Bebz. We’re going to sneak into the movies.”

Bebe looked uncertain about where she fit into this picture. “As in you and Token?”

“I said, ‘c’mon’,” Kenny repeated patiently. “Do you want to see _X-Men_ or _Captain America_? I suggest _X-Men_. I’m in the mood for some gratuitous torture scenes.”

“Dude, enough with the superhero movies. You’re worse than Clyde with _The Deathly Hallows_.”

Kenny gave Token a dull look. “ _Nothing_ is worse than Clyde with _The Deathly Hallows_.”

“False,” Bebe interrupted with a grin. “ _I_ will be worse. Let’s see Harry Potter.”

They had a better time than he thought they would. Bebe and Kenny both made fart noises to the tune of the Harry Potter theme, and Token was pretty enthralled by Bebe’s _Terrance and Phillip­­_ -esque brand of humor. Girls weren’t supposed to like farts.

Then again, she had chosen _Harry Potter_ over superheroes, and she spent the walk home chattering about how they didn’t do justice to Fred’s death or Percy’s redemption. It was a bit like hanging out with a hotter Clyde, and Token didn’t mean that as a compliment.

 

**Twelfth Grade**

Ecigarettes were wild. Token could feel like a badass anywhere in school without getting in trouble. No longer did he need to huddle together with Bebe and Kenny against the cold as they inhaled one another’s secondhand smoke. He could just furtively pull it out of his pocket anywhere he went. It made the whole day more exciting.

Today, he was setting foot in uncharted territories: the library. Kenny was outside smoking with Red, and he couldn’t find Bebe so he was really left with nothing to do but wander the school.

He browsed a shelf of books with minimal interest. He was mainly here to people watch, and it was proving to be a good sport. He’d never been around so many stressed people nearing the end of their tethers. Wendy was the closest he got to hanging out with a nerd, and Token didn’t honestly know her that well.

He paused with his hand on the spine of a large encyclopedia of arthropods, listening carefully to the sound of furtive whispers ruining the pristine silence of the library. He scooched the books apart, peering through the shelf to where Bebe and Kyle Broflovski were talking with their heads close together.

Token was about to approach and say hello when he caught a few words of their conversation.

 _“So he’s really back?”_ , Kyle was asking in the dead voice he got whenever he’d spent a sleepless night studying for winter exams.

 _“I think so. He seems happy. I know you don’t want to hear it, but, God, dude, it feels so good. Everything was wrong without him,”_ Bebe responded. Token froze, a weird feeling spreading in the pit of his stomach. He had been unhappy without Kenny, sure, but he’d thought they’d gotten along just fine. Apparently Bebe did not agree. _“I wish the two of you could be friends.”_

_“I don’t see that happening.”_

She waggled her head like she didn’t quite agree. _“He’ll forgive you eventually. I don’t know anyone who loves like he does.”_

_“You mean obsessively?”_

_“No, I know lots of people who do that. Kenny, just… he lights up the world, and he doesn’t even realize it. He’s like…”_

_“Like the sun is a satellite for the moon?”_

_“That’s… sort of it exactly. Wow, Kyle.”_ Bebe paused then laughed quietly. “ _I don’t know how anyone still thinks you’re straight if I’m being honest.”_

Token hadn’t really believed Bebe when she said she was friends with Kyle now, but apparently she hadn’t been lying. Apparently she’d gotten Kyle to open up about Kenny, which was a whole new level of weird. Something akin to jealousy was prickling at his skin, and he didn’t quite know what or whom it was about.

“ _People still think I’m straight? I think anyone would be impressed by your newfound ability to keep a secret.”_

Token’s hand flew up to cover his mouth as he hid his surprise from no one in particular. Bebe didn’t exactly defend Kyle when they talked about his relationship with Nichole, but Bebe didn’t keep secrets from _him_. Token recognized that it went without saying that that meant she _definitely_ wouldn’t keep a secret from Kenny.

 _“Anyway,”_ Kyle continued. “ _He’s not going to forgive me, though. I’m not sure if I even want him to.”_

_“That’s bullshit. Life isn’t the same without him. You don’t totally realize until he’s back, but it was just empty.”_

_“I have Nichole.”_

_“So? I have Token. It didn’t change anything.”_

He didn’t want to hear any more.

 

**Sixth Grade**

“I think Clyde provides more than enough estrogen,” Craig spat. “You can’t just invite people to be our friend without telling us!”

“I’m telling you now,” Kenny said simply. “All in favor of Bebe joining us for Pond Night?”

“We need a better name for it than ‘Pond Night’,” Token said. “Who came up with that shit?”

Craig glared at him. “I did. We sit at a pond. _You_ come up with a better name.”

Clyde rubbed his jaw thoughtfully. “I want to hang out with Bebe Stevens,” he said in an overtly masculine voice.

Craig sneered at him. “You’re thinking with your dick, Clyde.”

“It’s his best feature,” Kenny said happily, beaming at Clyde for his support. “Clyde and Token are in, Craig. Stop trying to resist this and embrace change.”

“I _have_ embraced change. You’re a change, Kenny!”

“And how wonderful have I turned out to be?”

“Great. Until you started expecting us to be friends with _girls_.” Craig looked to Token pleadingly. “You don’t really want her around, do you? She’ll ruin the dynamic! Clyde will probably sync up with her cycle and become even more insufferable!”

Token thought carefully before speaking. “She’s… pretty cool, Craig. You’d barely even guess she’s a girl.”

Craig scoffed. “Fine. Okay. So when is _Yoko_ going to arrive?”

“Who’s John Lennon?” A girl’s voice piped up abruptly, and Token looked up to see Bebe Stevens leaning against Kenny’s doorpost, watching them with an amused look on her face. “The door was unlocked,” she explained apologetically. “I didn’t realize you guys would be gossiping.”

“Kenny,” Craig answered simply, narrowing his eyes unwelcomingly at her. “Token is Paul. I’m George, and Clyde is Ringo.”

“Put a lot of thought into that, have you?” Token asked with a smirk.

“I’m not Ringo!” Clyde protested. “I’m Paul! I look just like him!”

Token surveyed him for a second. He guessed, if he squinted very tightly, he could kind of see it. That is, they were both white brunettes with endearing baby faces, and they all kind of looked the same.

Fuck that, though. Token was definitely not Ringo.

Bebe cocked her head to one side, watching the boys in amusement. “Do you guys just sit around and paste yourself into different friend groups? I thought that was just douches pretending to be the Wolf Pack.”

“Why haven’t we thought of doing the Wolf Pack?” Clyde asked in a hushed voice. “That’s a great idea.”

Token pursed his lips. “Because we heard Butters and his Melvin friends doing it and decided it wasn’t cool.”

“She’s already making us fight. Remember fourth grade?” Craig asked in a hushed voice, and Bebe laughed loudly.

“Do you want me to apologize for having tits?”

Clyde smiled at her. “No, I most certainly do not.”

Bebe rolled her eyes good-naturedly and sat down on Kenny’s bed next to Token. Token wondered what kind of fucked up shit the girls were saying to each other if she could listen to Craig badmouth her without even flinching. She just looked like this was all some joke that she was in on.

And, because she viewed it that way, she was. By the time they all left, even Craig acted a little warmer to her though he did spend the next year complaining about being forced to spend his time with a _chick_. By the time Craig stopped objecting, life without Bebe didn’t even seem real. Token found himself unconsciously re-remembering things with Bebe pasted into the picture, and, by seventh grade, she was firmly rooted in their friend group.

 

**Twelfth Grade**

Bebe bumped his shoulder against Kenny’s affectionately as they looked over the same brochure. “I’m so glad you’re actually doing this, Kenny. A lot of colleges are still taking applications.”

Token didn’t want to say that that was only the shitty colleges, a piece of elitism he had inherited from his parents becoming weirdly overbearing about his college prospects like they had only just realized their son was a burnout. He couldn’t control being in a bad mood constantly around the two of them, and he wished he could. He had started hating one thing, and it had spread like a virus.

Kenny pushed the brochure out of the way, flopping his head against the table. “I hate this. Have you guys really been spending the last few months doing this?”

Bebe shook her head quickly. “God, no. I’m applying to the same places you are.” She beamed at him. “We can go to the same school.”

Token gave the two of them an alarmed look as Kenny picked his head up, slightly cheered. Bebe held out another brochure to him, and he accepted it with a bit more enthusiasm. “What’s your top choice?”

She shrugged. “I’m applying to a lot in Colorado, but I’d like to be on the west coast.”

“I’m definitely not going anywhere outside of Colorado,” Kenny said in a disappointed voice.

Token nodded. “That make senses. You definitely need in-state.”

Kenny gave him one of the weird looks Token had been receiving since he first realized that their friendship might not be a perfect model for everyone in the world. Token used to have the sense that Kenny _always_ knew what was going on, but this year had proven otherwise. Token tried not to be paranoid that Kenny knew what he was thinking at every moment because there was absolutely no way he could. Probably. “Yeah. I do.”

“Then I’ll focus on in-state, too,” Bebe said with an unburdened smile. “We can room together while Token is off being successful. Rich, at the very least.”

Token could have sworn Kenny gave him a combative little smile before dropping his head onto Bebe’s shoulder and smiling. “That would be awesome.”

 

**Eighth Grade**

Token barely dodged as his own phone was thrust into his face. “Look at your snapchat right now, Token,” Bebe demanded, pushing it against his nose again. “I got the funniest moment of my life on video for everyone to enjoy!”

Token was pretty used to Bebe making these claims. Almost every time she saw a skateboarder wipe out on the street was the new funniest moment of her life, but he opened the snapchat anyway. Bebe had flipped her camera so it faced her, and she was clearly watching whatever was happening in the background unveil. An over-burdened stroller had flipped upside down so the strapped in child was held against the chair upside down, and the parents fussed over him and blamed each other as they quickly tried to right the chair. Bebe was openly laughing until the mother looked up and shouted “are you filming this?” before the video cut off.

Bebe roared with laughter next to him, clapping her hands in delight. Token tried to give her a judgmental look, but his lips were twitching more at her obvious enjoyment of the video than the video itself. “The funniest moment of my life!”

“You’re a truly shit person,” Token informed her, smiling nonetheless. He hoped Bebe really remembered “the funniest moment of her life” for the rest of her life because he was pretty sure it was the moment he first realized that he was in love with Bebe Stevens.

 

**Twelfth Grade**

“I’m honored that I was worth quitting,” Kenny said through his exhale, passing the bong back to Token. Bebe was off with Wendy or Kyle or one of the friends she apparently had that Token and Kenny did not share. Token had tried to make sure that Craig, Clyde and Tweek were around whenever he was forced to be alone with Kenny, but Craig and Tweek said they wouldn’t “awkwardness cockblock” anymore, and Clyde was actually getting laid for once so Token wasn’t going to ruin that for him. “How long did it last for?”

Token offered him a strained smile. “About two weeks, then you showed up with no preamble. Gift from God right there.”

Kenny smirked. “Were you happier to have me back, or weed?”

Token gave him a doubtful look. “I think that’s obvious.”

“Weed,” Kenny said with an understanding nod.

“No contest.”

Kenny leaned back against the wall, smiling at him in a curious way before asking, “So is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”

Token choked on the smoke, setting the bong down at Kenny’s feet. “I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“Sure. Okay.” Token could have sworn Kenny almost look hurt as he lifted it back to his lips. “I don’t think I get why you are, but all feelings are valid, I suppose.”

Token took a deep breath, eyes fixed on the ground as Kenny busied himself with repacking the bong. Before Kenny could use it again, Token asked, “You know before Kyle?”

Kenny looked up and smiled a little. “Vaguely. You mean over a third of my life?”

Token grinned back at him – the good old days, five years they had gone without a single fight. “Did you ever love anyone back then?” Kenny gave him another funny look like he was realizing why Token had been acting weird, and Token backpedalled, “It just seems weird that it would happen so suddenly.”

“Well, I suppose him, but he was gone,” Kenny said, thankfully looking like he was really considering Token’s question. “I suppose I was pretty obsessed with impressing Craig until Tweek showed up, but that might have been because he’s so much harder than anyone else to impress, ya dig?”

Token winced. “Don’t say that again. That’s worst than when you called Kyle ‘groovy’.”

Kenny laughed. “Righteous, Token.”

“You’re fucking up decades, too.” He gave him a soft punch in the shoulder. “You anachronistic bastard.”

Kenny gave him another amused look that Token felt obligated to return. “I think everyone thought I was in love with Bebe, and I kind of did for awhile, but then why would I not be with Bebe, you know?”

Kenny looked horrified for a second at what he’d said then struggled poorly to cover it up. Token wasn’t surprised that Kenny thought he could have been with Bebe if he wanted her. It was, after all, the truth. Just not the kind of truth people were supposed to acknowledge.

“Right,” said Token stiffly. “Glad you weren’t.”

 

**Ninth Grade**

Token guzzled water as he trudged down the stairs to answer the doorbell. Craig kept ringing it, and his ears were screaming. He had heard that the day after doing MDMA was supposed to be nice, but he felt like he was dying inside. At least he was doing better than Clyde, who had been in a fetal position in his bed since they got home from the concert last night. It seemed to agree with Craig, Kenny, and Bebe more than it had with Token, Clyde or Tweek, and Token didn’t think a 50% yield was particularly good. He didn’t plan on rolling again.

Craig stood on the doorstep practically bursting with happiness. Token wasn’t sure how much of it was to be a dick and rub in the fact that he didn’t currently want to shrivel up on the couch. Next to him, Tweek looked fairly haggard with dark bags under his eyes and hair more disheveled than usual.

“Having a good morning, bud?” Craig asked loudly as he shoved his way into the house. Tweek covered his ears and grimaced at Craig, who winked back at him. “Great morning. We wanted to go for a walk.”

Tweek shook his head at Token with wildly objecting eyes, and Token gave him a sympathetic look. Tweek had been around for a few months at Clyde’s insistence that he had simmered down since elementary school (Token didn’t see it), and furthermore, Token couldn’t be the only one in the group allowed to bring in new friends. Clyde liked him, and Craig had warmed up to Tweek much faster than he had to Bebe or even Kenny. He thought it was a little weird since Craig had spent all of fifth grade distancing them from Tweek and swearing that they hadn’t really been dating, but Clyde likened them to a little boy pulling his crush’s pigtails on the playground.

Token preferred Tweek to Jimmy or Kevin, and he was a little relieved to have more than four friends. Now he had a solid five – the ultimate goal being needing two hands to count them all.

“I think Clyde lost his spirit,” Token said finally.

Craig looked up the stairs and grinned. “I’ll cheer him up. Don’t worry.”

“Be nice,” Token called after him as Craig jogged up to his room. He turned to Tweek, smiling tiredly. “How’d you put up with that all morning?”

“Aspirin and coffee,” Tweek sighed. “Do you think he secretly lives off the misery of others?”

“I hadn’t thought of it, but it really makes a lot of sense,” Token said. “We should go save Clyde.”

“We should save ourselves,” Tweek insisted as he followed Token upstairs. “I think Craig is an actual succubus, man!”

Token grinned. “You don’t need to hang out with him.”

“I didn’t realize until now! Do you think I’m already cursed?” Tweek tugged at his hair as Token opened the door carefully. Craig was bouncing slightly on the mattress next to Clyde, who was looking at him like he was evil incarnate.

“We’re all cursed,” said Clyde in a dead voice. “Please distract him, Tweek.”

Tweek held up his hands in protest, and Craig grinned at him knowingly. “Tweek loves my sunny disposition, but he got to enjoy it all morning.”

Clyde rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. “Don’t sleep at his house if you don’t want to deal with him.”

Craig frowned. “I’m sensing a lot of hostility in this room. You all need to lighten up.”

Clyde threw an arm over his eyes. “If I wanted this behavior, we’d have invited Kenny and Bebe. Act surly or you have to leave.”

“Kenny and Bebe wouldn’t have come anyway!” Tweek squawked quickly, and Token gave him a questioning look. Craig smirked and nodded.

“They’re too busy fucking in his hovel,” he added. “Took them long enough, huh?”

Token’s hand flew to the bureau to steady himself, and he assured himself that it was a result of the worst hangover he’d ever had. “Are you sure? How do you know about that?”

“We saw it,” Craig said like this wasn’t the worst news he’d ever heard. “Very blonde.”

Clyde let his arm drop off his eyes, and he smiled appreciatively. “They are super hot, aren’t they? I wish I’d seen it.”

Token wrinkled his nose at him. “You’re a little creep, aren’t you?”

“Did I ever do anything to suggest I wasn’t?” Clyde asked dully. “Get with it.”

“They wouldn’t date within the friend group anyway,” Craig said, possibly the only one in the room ignorant to the way Tweek glared at the pattern on Token’s duvet. Clyde and Token had called that one months ago. “It’d fuck up the dynamic.”

“That’s true,” Clyde said in a resigned voice. “Kenny is _all_ about the dynamic.”

“I kind of think Kenny is all about getting laid,” Token corrected darkly. Fucking Jenny Simon a few months ago had given Kenny a new purpose in life that he seemed intent on pursuing almost every minute of the day. Token just didn’t think it’d stretch as far as Bebe.

“Plus,” Clyde said loudly and pointedly. “We wouldn’t care if someone dated within the friend group. Would we, Token?”

Token tried to push aside the nauseous feeling in his stomach to grin back at Clyde wickedly before the two of them turned a knowing look on Craig. “No,” he said equally loudly. “I don’t think we’d care at all.”

Craig matched Token’s look perfectly. “Good. Then I assume no one gives a shit about Kenny and Bebe.”

 

**Twelfth Grade**

Token pulled back, unable to hide his frown as he looked down at Bebe. She did this all the time, and he had found it funny and charming at the beginning. Now it was just off-putting, and he wished she could take anything seriously. “Can you not laugh while we’re hooking up?”

Bebe opened her eyes, looking surprised. “Oh, sorry. I always do?”

“I know you do,” Token grumbled, rolling off her. “Are you thinking about something funny? I don’t get it.”

She grinned and propped herself up on her elbow to look at him. “Some of the time. Is that bad?”

“You could be a bit more in the moment,” he said in a hurt voice. “What were you thinking about?”

She laughed a little, stopping at Token’s warning look. “Kenny is doing this thing where he goes on CollegeProwler to find the schools that have A+ girls and B- boys because he wants to be the only – “

“I knew you would do this,” Token said, pushing himself up and swinging his legs off the side of bed. Bebe followed the movement, sitting cross-legged on his bed and watching him warily. “Are you _ever_ thinking about _anything_ else?”

She looked confused, extending a hand that he jerked away from. “Of course I am. Why are you asking me this?”

He shook his head, grabbing his shirt from the floor and pulling it on before standing up. “I need to be alone for a bit.”

“This is your house,” Bebe said with a worried look.

“Keep it. I don’t care,” Token said quickly, crossing to the door.

“Are you coming back?” Bebe asked quietly.

He paused with his hand on the doorknob, not looking back at her. He hadn’t expected it to happen this quickly. He hadn’t thought it would happen at all, but they seemed like they’d warrant hours of discussion. He just didn’t have it in him to drag this out longer than it had to be. “Come back when you’re not in love with Kenny McCormick, okay?”

Bebe scrambled up from the bed, not bothering to grab her t-shirt as she followed him quickly to the door. “What are you _saying_?” She asked in a high-pitched voice. “Of course I’m not.”

“Don’t follow me into the hall if you don’t have a shirt on,” Token said roughly. “My parents are home.” He didn’t risk a look at Bebe before walking quickly out of the room.

 

**Eleventh Grade**

“I don’t think I’m jealous,” Bebe said quietly, tracing a rose on Token’s sheet. “Is that what it is when you can’t imagine that someone is good enough for him?

“That depends,” Token said, stamping the joint out and reclining in his chair. “Do you think you’re good enough?”

Bebe grinned. “Obviously I do. I’m good enough for anyone. I just don’t think I want it to be me instead.”

“Well, do you wish he were still giving you his undivided attention?” Token asked, already knowing the answer. Bebe frowned down at the patterns and gave a small nod. “Then I think you’re jealous.”

“Doesn’t everyone want his undivided attention?” Bebe asked finally. “He’s just that kind of person.”

Token shook his head sadly. “I think the fact that you think that should tell you something.”

Bebe was quiet for a bit, and Token wondered what pieces were sliding into place for her. The two of them had never discussed her feelings for Kenny, but he, Craig and Clyde had known it since the beginning. Hell, he was pretty sure even Kenny had figured it out, if not on his own than from Wendy. He hadn’t expected that it would hurt so much to hear from her. “I just don’t want it to be _him_ ,” she insisted. “Is that wrong?”

“They have a lot of history,” Token said vaguely. “I don’t think it’s possible for the two of us to really know what’s going on.”

“ _We_ have a lot of history!” She said angrily. “Five years of it, and _we_ didn’t leave him.”

“I think,” he said, hating himself for encouraging something that he knew would never happen for her. “That if you’ve really felt this way for so long, you should tell him. I’m not the person to talk to about it.”

Bebe looked terrified at the prospect. “I can _never_ talk about this with him. It’d ruin everything.”

If Token weren’t so sure that the three of them would survive anything, he would be inclined to agree. He knew it wouldn’t happen the way Bebe wanted, but it would at least put an end to this crush bullshit that had been plaguing them since the beginning.

Token slung an arm around her shoulders in what he hoped was a friendly and comforting way. “It’s his loss anyway. You’re way fucking cooler than Kyle.”

Bebe nodded dejectedly. “At least I have that going for me.”

 

**Twelfth Grade**

Kenny was half-asleep in a weed-induced haze when his sister’s voice yelling for him to answer the door interrupted his Zen. He yawned and stretched against his bed before ambling down the stairs, shivering a little as he got further from the heater in his room. A hand was banging on his door desperately, and Kenny looked towards the bat propped up in the corner hesitantly before deciding to risk it and open the door.

Bebe had her arms wrapped around her, shaking wildly and teeth chattering. Her eyes were red in a way that he didn’t think meant she was high. Without thinking, Kenny extended an arm for her to come hug him, and she responded quickly. He maneuvered the door closed with one arm around her, letting her bury her face in his chest and stand there for a few tense minutes as he rubbed her back and the shaking subsided.

“Bebe?” Kenny asked softly, pulling back to look down at her. He grabbed her chin, tilting her head up to make their eyes meet. “What’s going on?”

“Token and I broke up.  We broke up,” she repeated a few times, stressing different syllables like the words didn’t feel real. “We _broke up_.”

“Oh.” He nodded a few times. Bebe met his eyes, and he knew, no matter how much it felt like their world was crashing down, that she felt a million times worse. “What,” he asked, already guessing the answer, “what happened?”

She looked at him seriously, and he pulled her back into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” she mumbled. “Can we just listen to Drake and not talk for a little bit?”

“That’s what Drake’s here for,” Kenny assured her, ushering her up the stairs to his room.

Inside, Kenny flipped through his music, and Bebe walked around the room like she was in a dream. She ran her hand over a bottle of Jack Daniels on his desk, looking up curiously. “This is new, Stuart,” she said in a monotone.

“Ouch,” Kenny said. “Pour us some.”

“Obviously I was going to do that,” she said, unscrewing the cap and taking a swig from the bottle. “Do you have cups?”

He shook his head, reaching out for the bottle. “This works, doesn’t it?”

They passed the bottle back and forth for awhile, Bebe letting her head loll back and Kenny mouthing the lyrics to the songs with intense concentration. They broke the silence only to go out for a walk and cigarette, during which Kenny had to wrap an arm around Bebe just to keep her walking in a straight line.

Kenny didn’t ask if she wanted to sleep over, just rolled a joint and passed it to her, informing her that she needed to sleep. They crawled out his window to sit on his roof and watch the sun come up. Finally, Bebe let her head fall sleepily onto Kenny’s shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around her instinctively.

“I don’t think I’m in love with you,” she muttered defensively, not looking up from his shoulder.

“I don’t think so, either,” Kenny agreed. “Anyone who saw the two of you would agree.”

“I liked you so much for so long,” she said.

“I know,” he said honestly. “I always kind of wondered why I never went for it.”

“’Cause you’re totally gay.” Bebe turned her head up to look at him, a small smile gracing her face. “Or exclusively into redheads.”

“I need some ketchup for my mustard.”

Bebe shook with silent laughter, and Kenny watched sadly as the smile slid back off her face. “ _Fuck_ him. He should go _fuck_ himself.”

“You would think if anyone wouldn’t be threatened by our friendship, it would be him,” Kenny said thoughtfully. “Red told me I would never get a girlfriend if I talked about you to other girls.”

“Isn’t Red your girlfriend?”

“Nah,” Kenny said simply. “I think she’d want to be my top priority, and she knows she isn’t. She kind of picks up on everything.”

“Token wanted to be my top priority,” Bebe whispered. “I thought he was.”

“And now?”

Bebe looked at him thoughtfully. “I think, if I were stranded on a desert island with one person forever, I’d want it to be you.”

He smiled and dropped his forehead against hers. “I think I’d want that, too.”

She raised her eyes to meet his, and his stomach lurched unpleasantly as he realized how close together they were. He didn’t pull back, his eyes flickering inadvertently down to her lips and back up again. Bebe’s eyes widened, and he wasn’t sure who leaned in first, but, very quickly, his hand was tangled in her hair and her nails were digging into his shoulder as they kissed roughly.

Kenny fell back through the window as he refused to take his hands off her as he climbed through. He was pretty sure she felt it, too – whenever they stopped for a second, the feeling of hating themselves for doing this settled in, and Kenny would go to any lengths to avoid that.

 

**Eleventh Grade**

Bebe sat perched on top of Token’s suitcase to weigh it down so he could close it, laughing at his strained faces as he struggled with the zipper. It was the start of summer vacation, and he’d be leaving early the next morning to go touring wine country with his parents. He didn’t know how _he_ had the whitest parents in South Park, but they found a way.

“I thought only girls packed this much,” Bebe said when Token finally let out a breath and stepped back from the suitcase. “Are you bringing your whole shoe collection?”

“Lots of boys like buying sneakers,” he said defensively. “It’s not a feminine trait!”

“It is if you flirt with Clyde to get a discount.”

Token scoffed, pulling his suitcase on the bed and setting it by the door. He had been planning this moment for the past few weeks, and it had not involved him huffing and puffing over a fucking _zipper_ or being accused of flirting with Clyde, but he would have to be a fool to think that he could have a romantic, serious conversation with Bebe Stevens.

“I’m not _flirting_ with him. I’m asking him to throw a friend a bone.”

Bebe winked at him, and Token cursed his word choices. “I saw you bat your eyelashes.”

“I had something in my eye! Besides, no one _actually_ flutters their eyelashes when they flirt. It’s a figure of speech.”

She looked at him skeptically. “No, I think it’s literal.”

Token batted his eyelashes at her, and she giggled. “Tell me it doesn’t look like my contact is bothering me.”

“I can’t help it if you’re shit at flirting. You should try mascara.” She fluttered her eyelashes back at him to prove her point, and he took careful notice of her glittery mascara. He’d have to tell Wendy to tell her not to wear that anymore. She already looked enough like Ke$ha without begging the comparison.

Token held his hands up, conceding defeat. “You’re better at flirting than me. Whatever, Bebe. Cool.”

“Me? _I_ don’t have to flutter my eyelashes.” She rolled her shoulders back, sticking her chest out as far as she could. “Flirting complete.”

“Very subtle. I like it,” Token said, struggling not to look down. He hated these constant reminders that Bebe was, in fact, a girl. It was why he was in this position to begin with.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest self-consciously. “Way to not check me out, Token. Are you _trying_ to crush my ego?”

“Sorry, sorry, I’ll stare this time. Show me again.”

“You’ve missed your chance!” Bebe hugged herself tightly, still glaring at him. “This was your _last_ shot to see my tits all summer, and you fucking passed it up!”

“You can snap me pics,” he said in a soothing voice.

She grinned and dropped her arms to her side. “I do love taking tit pics.”

“You take more nudes than any girl without a boyfriend I know,” he said. Bebe had decided at the beginning of the year that a crucial part of being body positive was to shove her body positivity in everyone’s face – Token and Clyde had spent many hours discussing what an amazing development this had been for all parties involved.

“That’s why I have _you_ ,” Bebe said like she was talking to an idiot. “Kenny always sends pics back, and, let’s be honest, penises look like an alien life form attached itself to a body.”

Token considered asking if Kenny got hard for the photos, which he wouldn’t put past him, because God had given him his in. He had to carp the day.

“I can, um, be that, if you want.”

She smiled uncertainly at him. “Be Kenny’s dick?”

“No, um, he already has that,” Token said awkwardly. When he imagined this conversation, he did a lot better with words and the stringing together thereof. “I mean, I can be, y’know, for pictures and whatnot.”

Bebe looked him over for a second then gave a short, giddy laugh. “Oh, my God. You’re totally trying to ask me out!”

His shoulders sagged in relief. “Did I really convey that message clearly?”

“Clearly? No. Not at all.” She grinned and nudged his shoulder. “But yeah.”

“Yeah, I did convey it clearly?”

Bebe rolled her eyes and said, enunciating every word slowly and loudly, “Yes, I will go out with you, Token.”

“Oh. Cool.” He sat there next to her on the bed for a second, wondering if he should go in for a kiss or say something cool or what the hell would Kenny be doing in his position? “That’s terrific news.”

She opened her mouth, startled, and shut it again. “Oh, wow, are you always going to be this awkward?”

“Very much so. Yes.”

Bebe laughed and nodded a little. “This is going to be so much fun.”  


	10. Ego Tripping

Something pointy – a cattle prod, Kenny recognized although he didn’t know how he knew that – jabbed into Kenny’s side sharply, and he jerked his head up in alarm. His first thought was that he was _pretty sure_ he wasn’t in his room anymore. It was, for one thing, a total sausage fest. No windows and naked men strapped by the dick to tanks as big as water coolers for as far as the eye could see – he had discerned that this was a dream, but he wasn’t sure if it was a nightmare or not until the cattle prod pressed into him again.

“No sleeping on the job!” A girl’s voice demanded.

Kenny looked her over with growing interest. It was, undoubtedly, Bebe Stevens, and she had found a sick space suit. He didn’t see the helmet anymore and wondered if he could ask to hotbox it since none of the men were provided with their own space suits. A quick glance down told Kenny that he, too, was almost naked with an empty tank and black computer screen in front of him.

“Cool suit” was all he could think of to say. It didn’t seem to appease Bebe very much, who glared back at him and flicked the empty tank with a finger.

“Are you dry? Not very fertile over here are we?” She asked in a scathing voice. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those assholes who needs porn or something.”

“I’m very fertile! Look at all this goo!” Butters called from across the room. True to his claim, the tank was almost full, and Kenny was starting to get a weird feeling about what was inside there.

Bebe tsked and tapped her foot impatiently. “No jokes and no cum, Kenny? Wendy and Heidi are _not_ going to like this.”

“I think I’ve given more than enough jokes and cum to the world,” he said, realization dawning. He was trapped in one of Eric Cartman’s nightmares. It made perfect sense. “Can I go? I want to see what else is trapped in Cartman’s subconscious.”

She jabbed at him again, and he gave a whine of protest. “Why don’t you tell me a joke instead since you’re clearly only half a man?”

He thought carefully then said, “A panda, a freedom fighter, and a Jew walk into a bar – “

“Don’t tell Jew jokes,” Kyle snapped from across the aisle. Kenny wished he could pause to appreciate what he looked like naked (at least in Cartman’s imagination – it was really very thorough), but Bebe did not seem pleased to lose Kenny’s attention.

“And don’t use lame set-ups, dude,” Stan added. “They’re gonna put you down if you’re not funny enough.”

Kenny made a face like he clearly didn’t believe this threat, but Bebe nodded seriously. “It’s true. We will. Stan, read us one of your jokes.”

He squinted at the screen and slowly read, “Why do we call them grammar Nazis when that suggests that the Nazis were annoying but technically correct?”

Kyle winced, and a smile lit up Bebe’s face. “That’s great, Stan. Send it to the higher-ups.”

He shrugged and pressed ‘enter’ on his keyboard, both he and Kyle returning their undivided focus to the task at hand. Kenny thought this was panning out to be an incredibly stupid and nonsensical dream, and he was really regretting missing the chance to explore Cartman’s psyche by being strapped into this machine.

Like a gift from God, he began to hear noises other than the whirring of the machines coming from down the aisle, and Tweek Tweak ran (‘hopped’ might have been a more accurate description of his motion) down the aisle in a Chippendales outfit with a fluffy rabbit’s tail attached to his back.

“I’m fucking late as shit, you guys! Why did no one tell me what _time_ it was? I’m late; I’m late; I’m so fucking late!”

Bebe tried to whack at him with her prod, but it had changed in her hand to a long stick with a red heart on the end. She looked at it in confusion for a second then seemed to decide it would still work fine and started hitting with the heart scepter.

Tweek cringed away from her and resumed hopping down the aisle. “Fuck off! Stop trying to make me later than I already am!”

“We’ve got a rogue male!” Bebe shouted shrilly, and an alarm started blaring immediately.

In the hubbub, Kenny made a split second decision and tore the machine off himself, running after Tweek before Bebe could stop him. Her scepter flew through the air and collided with his head, and Kenny spun around, still walking backwards as he called, “Eat me, Bebe!”

He followed Tweek’s weaving path through the mine, wondering how he could move so quickly when hopping was clearly not the most efficient way to get wherever he had to be. He seemed really stressed.

They stepped out into fresh air, and Kenny was surprised to see not the red sand he imagined for Mars but instead a lush forest. Tweek gave one last squeak and dove into the underbrush, disappearing from sight.

“Tweek?” Kenny shouted. “Tweek!”

He plowed on through the forest with no clear destination in mind until the familiar smell of weed overcame him. A voice was singing something that he couldn’t quite make out, and Kenny guessed that he had found where he needed to be. With any luck, he could smoke imagination-weed, which was surely the best strain out there, and wait until Cartman had woken up.

“ _b c d f g_ ,” the voice warbled. “ _h j k l_.”

Kenny pushed a low-hanging branch out of the way, and a burst of colored smoke in his face made him cough. He stopped to watch the smoke emanating from wherever the person was singing, realizing that it was taking the shape of the consonants. This was pretty cool. Cartman was a lucky man if he entered this world every night.

Sprawled on top of a large mushroom was Craig Tucker, who took another hit of the bong before continuing to sing his way through the alphabet. Kenny watched in interest for awhile, finally stepping out into the clearing.

“It’s supposed to be a hookah,” Kenny said loudly. “This is sacrilege.”

Craig stopped singing to peer down at him. “And the mushroom isn’t supposed to make you trip, but that’s what you get with these parodies.”

“You… realize this is a dream?” Kenny asked.

Craig rolled his eyes. “ _Obviously_ this is a dream, Kenny. Did you fucking see Tweek?” He set down the bong to cup his hands around his mouth and shout, “Tweek! You’re fucking late – are you on your way?” He looked down at Kenny and smiled. “The poor bastard has _no idea_ where he’s going.”

“Where _is_ he going?”

“Beats me, dude. Try asking Mittens.” Craig gestured vaguely into the depths of the forest. “Don’t expect a straight answer from her, though.”

Kenny groaned. “Not the fucking cat, Craig. Anyone other than the cat.”

He yawned disinterestedly and took another hit from the bong. “Try hanging out with Tweedle Black and Tweedle Clyde.”

A laugh burst out of Kenny, and, before he knew it, he was clutching his stomach as he doubled over. “That’s _so stupid_ , dude. How is Cartman so dumb?”

“And _why_ ,” Craig asked, blowing a _y_ towards Kenny, “do you think this is the fat man’s dream?”

“Is ‘y’ a consonant? That’s kind of a gray area,” Kenny said blankly. Craig frowned and blew another _y_ at him, and Kenny waved it out of his face. “You could at least share.”

Craig leaned forward and sucked smoke back in. “Yes, but I’m not going to do that. I suggest you find Ms. Putty Tat before it’s too late. If you _are_ too late, come back, and we can get stoned.”

Kenny cursed under his breath. “I hate the fucking Cheshire Cat. Okay. God dammit. How do I find _her_?”

Craig waved his hands around in the air like this was some kind of answer, and Kenny scowled.

“ _Help me_.”

“Oh, whatever. You have no sense of adventure.” Craig cleared his throat and said loudly, “ _How does the little pussy cat in her jeans look so fat – “_

There was a hiss from up in the trees, and Kenny looked up to see a bright white scowl floating atop a tree branch. In Wendy Testaburger’s voice, the mouth snapped, “Craig, I said stop writing insulting poetry about me!”

Craig laughed and took another hit. “I write what I _see_ ,” he said, blowing a _c_ towards Wendy’s disembodied mouth.

She hissed again and vanished, the teeth appearing again next to Craig’s mushroom, quickly followed by the rest of Wendy’s body. Her costume was not good – Kenny would have described it as “more purple than usual”, but she did have truly impressive teeth. Her dentist must have been delighted.

“Why don’t you shove it up here?” Wendy asked, pointing at her asshole from two directions.

Craig flipped her off, and Wendy took off her head, spiking it at him like a volleyball. It knocked him off his mushroom, and the bong fell softly down next to him. Craig, in a true testament to how much he and Kenny belonged together, quickly took inventory of the bong before checking to see if he himself was hurt.

“Pass it back,” she demanded, and he shook her head at her.

“Nuh uh. This is mine now.”

Wendy sighed and disappeared, rematerializing with her head firmly attached to her body, still in Craig’s hands. He yelped and let go, and she stood up, brushing herself off like she was much too busy to deal with him. “Are you trying to make me mad, you immature fucker?”

Craig smiled at her endearingly. “We’re all mad here, Wendy.”

“Oh, God damn you.” She turned to Kenny, her face still illuminated by her bright scowl. “And you’re trying to stalk Tweek?”

“He is,” Craig confirmed.

“And he only went in one fucking direction so only point in _one direction_ , okay?” Kenny insisted. He didn’t hate anything like he hated the fucking roundabout Cheshire Cat.

Wendy looked confused. “But then how will I show you where he went?”

“You point in the – “ Kenny stopped to pinch the bridge of his nose and groaned, which made Wendy smile a little. He wondered who Stan was here or if he was still trapped at the cum and joke mines. It seemed like a very long time ago that Kenny was there. “Just point in any direction, okay? I will walk in _any_ direction.”

“Then _why_ do you need me?” Wendy asked before disappearing again.

Kenny stood there, glaring at the spot she had once been. “That was worse than the real one.”

“Yeah, she sucks. They didn’t do a great job with that one,” Craig agreed. “I could help you.”

“But _will_ you?” Kenny asked. “Help if you’re going to.”

“ _You_ ,” Craig declared loftily, “just need to find the Marsh Hare.”

Kenny stared at him for a second before shaking his head. “That’s it. I’m out. I’m done with this fucking fantasy world and its stupid puns. I don’t need to see Kyle wearing mad hats” – Craig nodded appreciatively at the pun – “or Cartman eating oysters or whatever!”

“Aw, you didn’t like that?” A new voice asked, and Craig vanished with a puff. Kenny stifled another groan, turning to face Butters Stotch. “I thought I did a real good job with that one!”

“And who are you supposed to be?” Kenny asked, irritated beyond measure. “A singing flower?”

Butters looked hurt. “Well, no. I’m just Butters. You didn’t like Wonderland?”

“No, Butters. I didn’t like Wonderland. Where the fuck am I?” He pointed at him warningly. “And if you give me a cryptic answer, so help me God, I will feed you to the Cartman walrus.”

Butters chuckled. “We’re in Imaginationland! It’s a magical place where – “

“Yeah, I’ve heard the spiel. How’d you get back here?”

“I’ve never left,” said Butters. “Someone’s gotta stay here and keep the riff raff in check so I just sent an imagined Butters back so none of you guys would miss me too much!”

Kenny smiled weakly. “We’re all very grateful.”

“Hey, Ken! Why don’t you stay here for a bit and hang out with your imagination with me? I’ve made some real neat new friends.”

If a lifetime of TV had taught him anything, it was that Kenny was supposed to go along with all the weird shit that popped up in a dream. He nodded and followed Butters through the forest. When the trees thinned out, Kenny saw a town identical to South Park and tried to hide his irritation as Butters led him to Cartman’s house.

“Isn’t imagination wonderful,” Kenny said sarcastically when they stepped into the identical living room and walked down the identical stairs into Cartman’s identical basement. He stopped at the foot of the stairs in surprise – around the table were all his friends, still children. They couldn’t have been more than ten if his memory served him correctly, and they were all wearing their old superhero costumes. Kenny looked around for himself, but he was the only boy lacking. He was probably dead or something.

“And that,” Cartman was saying in his raspy voice that Kenny was totally better at, “is why we need to start with the Mexicans _before_ the Jews. I’m not saying they’re worse. I’m just saying it’s a more pressing issue. The outlook on this wall is not bright. Therefore,” he clapped his hands, “I’m going to need Toolshed to go build the wall himself with his super carpentry powers.”

“That’s Jesus, idiot,” Stan snapped. “I have power over power tools. Did you even read my backstory?”

“I _wrote_ your backstory,” Cartman shot back.

“You wrote his backstory _down_ ,” Kyle corrected. “And stop shitting on Jews, Fatass! We should be fighting supervillains. Or you.”

“Yeah,” Clyde buzzed through his Mosquito costume. “Why’d ya let Kyle in if you were just going to shit on him the whole time?”

Token raised an eyebrow. “Hi, Clyde, would you like to meet my not-really-friend Eric Cartman and his not-really-friend Kyle Broflovski?”

“Yeah, Clyde,” Stan said. “Talk about stupid questions. Cartman doesn’t even play games if Kyle’s not there to shit on.”

“Not my fault you guys are hella boring,” Cartman grunted. “So back to this _wall_.”

Kenny nudged Butters surreptitiously. “I didn’t expect their _imagination_ versions of themselves to still be children who fight all the time.”

“Well, Mysterion and Professor Chaos aren’t. That’s why we’re not here, see?” Butters gave a distant smile. “I might be kicking your ass somewhere.”

Kyle looked up at the voices and narrowed his eyes, and Kenny struggled not to laugh openly at his costume. He had thought they looked _so_ good as kids. He was clearly very wrong. “It’s Chaos and some blonde kid!” He said loudly. “Craig, kill him!”

Craig looked away from his conversation with Tweek to wrinkle his nose at Kyle. “I’m not feeling murder right now. Why don’t you fly at him or something, Superbug?”

“Yeah, your power is hella lame,” Cartman said.

“ _You_ don’t even have a power,” Kenny said, interrupting Kyle. He had had this thought many times as a child but hadn’t wanted to do Cartman the honor of being Mysterion’s rival. “You’re a vigilante, and you’re not rich or strong so besides your super-racism, can you do, like, anything?”

“I agree with the weird pedophile in the corner,” Kyle added.

Kenny pointed at himself and mouthed the word ‘pedophile’ before shaking his head quickly. “I’m Kenny, dude. You recognize Butters.”

The boys at the table whispered something amongst themselves, then Kyle looked back at Kenny. “We think it’s a weird coincidence that you’d pick our only friend who looks like – “

“Kenny’s face is like having an egg as your Twitter icon,” Cartman said loudly. “I’m _more_ suspicious now.”

The other boys nodded in agreement, murmuring suspiciously amongst themselves until there was a loud _crash_ and shriek (Kenny would assume it was Tweek), and Kenny was knocked to the ground.

He pushed himself up in one sharp movement – a bit like he was in one position then suddenly in the other, Kenny thought. In another sharp movement, he raised his head. His eyes, he realized, weren’t blinking, but his vision didn’t deteriorate.

For the most part. Kenny couldn’t explain why everything suddenly looked like Pop Art and why everyone seemed to freeze in between movements. Had he hit his head or something? He was pulled out of his admiration of the visuals by loud _thwap_ s and _wham_ s coming from the boys and whatever had broken in through the ceiling.

Kenny didn’t move to help during their stop motion fight, just kept the same position on the ground and stared at them, unable to move his neck. He could only assume that he had entered a comic book, and somehow he never thought of life moving in panel form when he imagined living in a comic book.

Craig punched the creature, freezing in midair with his fist against its chin, and it flew into the ground with another _crash_. A large yellow _c_ burst out of the word _crash_ that had blinded him, and his vision went black for a second.

At least he thought it was only a second. When he opened his eyes again, his vision had returned to normal, and someone was shaking him urgently. “Wake the fuck up, Kenny,” Kyle was saying in his older voice. “Kenny, you need to fight.”

“Wha- Fight?” Kenny asked dopily, squinting up at the light. “Can I not right now?”

Kyle shook him again. “You have to go ghost, Kenny!”

Kenny gave Kyle a lopsided grin. “I can’t do that, stupid. That’s a fucking Nickelodeon show.”

“What’s Nickelodeon?”

Kenny faked a gasp. “I want out of this world _immediately_.”

Kyle forcefully directed Kenny’s head towards where the sound of a fight was still going on, and Kenny tried to summon some desire to care as he watched older versions of the same boys fighting what, yeah, kind of looked like the Box Ghost from _Danny Phantom_.

“Beware!” The not-Box Ghost (but-still-basically Box Ghost) shouted before crashing down into Stan. Kenny watched with a peaceful smile on his face as they got their asses kicked by the lamest villain on Nickelodeon.

Kyle stood up, grabbing Kenny’s wrists to pull him up after him. “You need to go ghost!”

“Okay, no, but, you see, Danny Phantom is both dead and alive, but I am either dead _or_ alive so I can’t really do the same thing. If you want me to come back and fight him again tomorrow once I die, I’m your guy.” Kenny stumbled up to his feet, giving Kyle an ingratiating look as he grabbed him to steady himself. “I also might have a concussion so.”

Kyle jostled him around so he was facing the fight. “Fucking do it, Kenny!”

Kenny sighed and lifted his arms up over his head. “I’m going ghost,” he said in a half-hearted voice.

Nothing happened.

Kenny looked down at himself, a little disappointed. He had thought fantasies were supposed to be cool and life-changing, but they’d all been stupid non sequiturs so far. “I told you it wouldn’t work.”

Kyle tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Hm, yeah, that would make sense. It never does.”

“What the hell, dude?” Kenny said angrily. “I could be lying happily on the floor right now!”

“You are lying happily on the floor right now,” an eerie voice called from behind Kenny. Kenny turned around slowly to face, reclining on his elbow casually, a near perfect replica of himself. The other Kenny was much rounder, and he still wore the old orange parka, although it almost fit him by this point. The other Kenny raised a bottle of water to toast himself then downed all sixteen ounces at once while Kenny admired what a cool dude he clearly was.

Kenny bounced up and down on the balls of his feet excitedly, admiring his other self. “Fucking dope, dude!”

The sounds of crashing behind him, Kenny realized suddenly, had disappeared, and Kenny looked over his shoulder for Kyle. Everyone besides him and this other Kenny had disappeared, and Kenny turned back to face himself with a mischievous grin. “ _So_ , we’re alone.”

The other Kenny pushed himself into a sitting position, returning the smile. “ _Obviously_ we should have sex with ourselves,” he said because, of course, this was himself, and he would always want that. “Want to get high first?”

“Hell yeah, I do!” Kenny sat down on the floor next to the other Kenny, who was suddenly holding a joint that Kenny didn’t think he’d had before. “This is what I’m _talking_ about,” he said, taking a hit from the joint that Kenny _definitely_ didn’t see him light.

“So, dude,” the other Kenny said, waving a hand through the smoke thoughtlessly. “Wanna go deep?”

Kenny looked at him skeptically. “Yes, definitely, but just to check, what sense of that phrase do you mean?”

“With our mouths,” he said, as if that clarified anything.

Kenny was sure that he was a much better speaker than this other Kenny, but he nodded, saying, “That clears things up.”

The other Kenny looked at him for a second, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping one arm around them as he reached out for the joint with his free hand. It was a position that Kenny took very often, and the other Kenny made it look _so_ comfortable, and, before Kenny realized what he was doing, he was in the exact same position as his other self.

“You got chubby,” Kenny said, breaking the silence.

The other Kenny glared at him. “You look like a heroin addict, but I’m not being a dick about it.”

Kenny made a face. “I don’t think I’d try heroin.”

“Obviously. We’d like it way too much,” the other Kenny said bluntly.

“ _Way_ too much,” Kenny agreed emphatically. “Remember what a bad idea it was to try ketamine?”

The other Kenny’s eyes widened, and he nodded quickly. “We liked that _way_ too much.”

“That was a great month, though,” Kenny said fondly. He clapped his hands together over his knees. “Alright. Let’s go deep. You cool with bottoming?”

The other Kenny cackled delightedly, and Kenny couldn’t help grinning at his response. “I meant in conversation, but we can start with that.”

“And end,” Kenny prompted.

“Start and end,” the other Kenny agreed. “I wish we could hang out more often.”

“I think I’m my favorite person,” Kenny said honestly. “We would be _best_ friends.”

“I’d really like that,” said the other Kenny breathily, leaning in for a kiss. Kenny couldn’t hold in a snicker, and, in an instant, they were both giggling madly on the floor. Kenny was still clutching his sides and wheezing for air when the other Kenny grabbed his face and pulled it against his abruptly.

Kenny, Kenny realized vainly, was a fantastic kisser. He led and yielded at the perfect moments, and this was one of the few times Kenny felt like the use of tongue didn’t just feel like a soggy worm in his mouth. He didn’t, as a rule, like a tongue anywhere but on his dick.

He was considering pushing the other Kenny’s head down, because he knew he wouldn’t mind, and Kenny wanted to find out how good he was at _everything_. He also knew he could just ask, but, if the other Kenny was anything like himself, he would find this method hilarious.

Kenny put a hand on the top of his head and pushed downwards, and the other face pulled away from his, a hand pushing at his chest. Who knew other Kenny was such a fucking prude. Kenny was way cooler than that guy.

“Dude, what the fuck? Kyle demanded, spitting on the ground. “Civilized people don’t _do_ that.”

Kenny looked crestfallen. He had been really excited to fuck himself, and Kyle was chill, he supposed, but Kyle existed in real life. Kenny _never_ got the chance to hang out with himself. “Kyle,” he said bleakly.

Kyle looked askance. “Sound happier to see me?” He asked, still fucking up Kenny’s carefully perfected intonation.

“It’s cool,” Kenny said forgivingly. Kyle looked annoyed. “You’re cool, too.”

“Your opinion of yourself is astounding,” Kyle muttered.

Kenny looked him over thoughtfully, wondering vaguely if, because the other Kenny had clearly shapeshifted into Kyle, the consent carried over. He _had_ been kissing Kyle when he appeared. It was probably okay.

He really liked this Kyle, too. He looked like how Kenny would have imagined Kyle as a teenager – an orange-hued leather jacket, impeccably clean Air Jordans, and olive chinos. His hair was absolutely massive, and Kenny wanted to tell him it looked ridiculous, but he didn’t want to risk it being hidden by a hat.

Kyle pushed at him lightly. “If you’re going to zone out, can you not be staring at me while you are?”

“Staring at you was a crucial part of zoning out,” he said truthfully. “So what kind of dream is this?”

He realized nervously that it seemed like a very long time since Kenny had thought he was trapped in Eric Cartman’s dream, and this didn’t feel anything like how a dream normally felt. He was starting to think, with a twisted feeling in his gut, that this was probably real life, and this was probably forever. The world jumping seemed like it was getting faster and more dizzying, and his head still didn’t feel quite right from the comic book.

“This isn’t a dream,” Kyle said, eyeing Kenny warily. “Why would you think this is a dream?”

Kenny squinted at him. “Because you look normal.”

“Okay, I look _fine_. I always look _fine_ ,” Kyle snapped defensively. “Fucking dick.”

“Just saying,” Kenny said ambivalently. Then, in a higher, cartoony voice, “You look like a real boy!”

Kyle frowned at him, and before Kenny realized something was changing, his nose had grown halfway towards Kenny’s face, looking impossibly dangerous and wooden for a nose, and Kenny whacked it out of the way with a yelp. It came flying off, and Kyle twitched his normal-sized nose a few times thoughtfully.

“That happens sometimes,” he said. “Sometimes when I knock it off, it becomes a breadstick.”

Kenny flashed him a thumbs up. “I’m pretty sure your nose doesn’t usually do that.”

“That you’ve witnessed,” Kyle said darkly. “You do things that none of us remember or believe.”

Kenny snorted. “I think I’d take looking like Pinocchio over _dying_.”

Kyle looked surprised. “Who said anything about dying? What do you mean?” Then, at Kenny’s frustrated scowl, he smirked a little. Of course imaginary Kyle would remember. If Kenny were an active dreamer, he could make this so fun.

Or maybe he had no control over Kyle because this was, in fact, real life. Maybe he’d been transported into an alternate reality. Maybe Eric Cartman was _still_ dreaming this. Hell, maybe Eric Cartman dreamt up the whole universe.

The room started shaking, and Kyle grabbed Kenny by the collar desperately. “Stop imagining Cartman with power! He grows more powerful off it!”

“Okay, Cartman is a malevolent spirit, this isn’t real,” Kenny said firmly. “I will _not_ be convinced that this is happening.”

Kyle forced his fingers to comb through his frizzy curls, and Kenny watched with interest as his curls started to loosen and fall around his face. Soon red hair hung around him like a curtain, hiding his face from view. When Kyle brushed his now-silky hair back from his face to look at Kenny, Kenny was face-to-face with Red Tucker.

He had to say – he was kind of surprised Red took up enough brain power to be in his lucid dream. He would much rather have stayed with himself or Kyle, at least until he had time to “go deep” with one of them, but he supposed the dream had to keep rolling on. After all, he thought bitterly, the dream couldn’t let him _actually_ have a good time.

Red looked around the room curiously. “So this is your imagination,” she said. “I expected better of you.”

“It’s more than just this room,” Kenny protested. “I did… other things.”

She smiled knowingly and flipped her hair. “Right. You made bad jokes in a cellar and watched my cousin get sing and high.”

“That kind of sounds like my regular life, minus the singing.”

“That’s what I’m getting at,” Red said impatiently. “Your fucking hallucinations stay in your safe space.”

Kenny crinkled his eyebrows together. “Hallucinations?”

“You don’t even remember what’s happening,” Red said, sounding disappointed. “You’d have so much more fun.”

“Is this, like, some weird Tucker thing that _you’re_ lucid in _my_ dreams?”

“Hallucinations,” Red corrected pityingly.

“Are you guys actually here?” Kenny asked, face lighting up. “Are we all living in the same crazy world, the only ones here from our reality?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, Kenny. That’s not what’s going on.”

“Am I going insane?” He asked after a pause. It felt increasingly likely.

Red snorted. “Going? You keep telling people you die, and you haven’t gone a day without doing drugs in _months_. You’re _so_ far past ‘going.’”

If this was a dream turning into a nightmare or a high going bad or whatever, Kenny was not having it. He didn’t need to listen to malicious slander coming from someone who wasn’t even real (probably). “I’ve gone days without doing drugs,” Kenny said, bristling. “The days when I sleep for 24 hours.”

She looked shocked. “Wow, you’re doing worse than I thought you were. 24 hours, really?”

“Well,” he said, looking guilty. “I probably do get up to take smoke breaks so I can keep sleeping. So, I think you might have a point.”

“I’m honored you chose me to manifest as the sad truths,” Red said softly. “I would really like to be able to help you, Kenny.”

“Do you think you could?” He asked, his voice lowering to match hers.

She studied him for a moment then smiled, looking a little sad. “Yeah, if you let me. I don’t think you will, though.”

“No, probably not,” Kenny said brutally. “Am I allowed to say things like that here seeing as how you aren’t real?”

Red looked insulted. “Sure, if you want to hurt _my_ feelings.”

“But you’re, like, sort of just me?”

Red glowered at him. “You want to see what _you_ are, Kenny McCormick? I can show you what you are.”

She grabbed Kenny by the hand and pulled him up, walking him angrily over to a door in the corner of the room. She threw it open, and Kenny didn’t have time to look through it before he was falling into a pile of snow. He stood up and brushed himself off, trying to look down, but his head wouldn’t bend that way. His face seemed stuck pointed forward or directly left or right, and Kenny hoped deeply that he wasn’t back inside a comic book. He hadn’t been impressed.

This comic book was the least impressive Kenny had ever seen, though. It looked like it was made out of fucking construction paper. Turning his head directly left, he could see three vaguely human shapes standing in a line, talking to one another. Their heads were too round and approximately the same size as the rest of their bodies, but Kenny could recognize his friends just by the shitty paper versions of their hats.

Slightly worried for his killer cheekbones, Kenny reached up to touch his face. Thick fabric was covering it, and Kenny finally noticed, moving his mouth around to test the waters, that he was in his parka, still oversized. He stuck a mitten inside his hood to see if his chin was totally cut (Red might have thought he was depressed, but he certainly didn’t have low self-esteem) but found that his face was just as round as the other boys.

“ _Hey, guys_ ,” Kenny called, unused to hearing his voice muffled by the parka. He pulled the hood down and moved over to them in bouncy footsteps.

Kyle, Cartman and Stan exchanged weird looks before turning back to Kenny. “You’re showing your face,” Kyle said.

“Man, Kenny, you are _set_ to be a prostitute,” Cartman added approvingly. “I’m happy for you, man.”

“Shut up, Cartman. Kenny’s not gonna be a prostitute!” Stan scolded.

“Yeah, tubby, you’re thinking of your mom,” Kyle said, looking directly right to grin at Kenny. “You’d better get that up before it starts.”

Kenny frowned. “But I _like_ talking. It’s one of my favorite things!”

“Really?” Stan asked. “Huh.”

Kyle, too, looked perturbed by this claim. “So, do you wear it as, like, a muzzle kind of thing? You talk _too_ much?”

“He clears just as a de-envelop disorder,” Cartman said. “He clearly just has that thing the chick had on _America’s Next Top Model_.”

“Asperger’s,” Kenny supplied before he realized that Cartman had been shitting on him. “That’s not why I wore the hood! Fuck you guys! Does everyone think I’m autistic?”

Stan and Kyle shared a look, and Stan said, “We probably would if we knew what that meant.”

Cartman started to say something, but Kyle looked up abruptly, his eyes darting around like a watchful animal. “It’s starting. You guys better get ready. Kenny, if the hood’s not up, you’ll fuck up everything.”

Under the glares of all three of his old friends, Kenny tugged the hood up in resignation, pushing it upwards on his forehead so it didn’t obstruct his vision. The other boys all looked bored – if their animated faces could communicate any emotion – as they pulled their heads off and spiked them into the air like he’d seen Wendy do what felt like days ago. Kyle’s headless body whacked at Kenny, and Kenny followed suit.

Like boomerangs, their heads sailed back towards the bodies, and twangy music started to play as the bus pulled up in front of them. He couldn’t hear well through his parka – it must have been an acquired skill that he had since lost, but he was deeply horrified as he watched Kyle and Stan dutifully singing out the bus windows. They looked like they had done this too many times, and Kenny couldn’t imagine why.

The bus ride got bumpier until Kenny was fully bouncing from his seat like he was being jerked by his shoulders. It got faster and faster until a hand slapped him, and he blinked up into the face of Bebe Stevens.

“Jesus Christ, Kenny!” She yelled. “You’ve been tripping for fucking days! It was supposed to last ten minutes!”

Kenny rubbed his red cheek, sulking a little. “Tripping?”

“Yeah, Kenny, you took DMT.” She pouted childishly. “ _I_ didn’t get a turn because you had to go all freaky.”

Kenny scrutinized her, waiting for some sign that she wasn’t real. She seemed just like regular Bebe, and taking DMT did seem like something he would do. It did make sense. “What was I like?”

“Honestly? You kind of rolled around and laughed a lot. Was it good?” Bebe looked like her worry had faded quickly, and she was just eager for her turn now.

Kenny shrugged. “It was pretty cool. The visuals are awesome.” He looked around the room, oddly not surprised to see it was fully devoid of furniture. That made sense. “Where’s the bong? You should go now.”

Bebe hadn’t been holding it the entire time, had she? She’d been shaking him. She couldn’t have, but there it was in her hands. She lifted it up to her mouth, pausing with it at the sound of shrieking coming from the window.

A dark red scaly creature flew into the window and straight into Bebe, who didn’t look scared in the slightest. Kenny leaned forward to assess that, yes, this definitely was a dragon, and it was definitely Bebe’s homie. He was too absorbed by looking at the creature to hear Bebe retching until the small dragon looked up, opened its mouth, and accepted Bebe’s regurgitated food.

Kenny recoiled, not even a little impressed. “That’s fucking nasty, dude. Where’d you get a dragon?”

Bebe pet the animal absent-mindedly while it licked its black lips. “Where’d I get a dragon? Everyone has a dragon.”

Kenny must not have looked convinced because Bebe pulled out a whistle and blew a noise that Kenny couldn’t hear. Nothing happened, and Kenny was about to say something scornful when a tiny orange bullet zoomed through the window and into Kenny’s chest with a sad puff of smoke.

“Who put a parka on my dragon?” Kenny demanded, fearing the answer was him.

Bebe leaned over to scratch its head, and it gave a little growl of approval. “I told you it was dragon abuse, but you thought it’d be cute. Speaking of dragon abuse, I don’t think Scaramouche has been fed since you started tripping.”

“I put it in a parka _and_ named it after a Queen song?” Kenny asked, hating himself a little, although he was annoyed by how unsurprising this all was. “Why would anyone give me a dragon?”

“Give you? You’re acting super off today.” Bebe tapped Scaramouche’s head and said, “Boop!” before tickling under its chin.

“I must have got it from somewhere.”

Bebe looked concerned. “Yeah, Ken. At birth. Y’know?” She withdrew her hand to return her attentions to her own dragon. “Your soul’s in it?” She shook her head. “Or something. I don’t really get it, but I know this lil guy loves me more than anyone else in the world.” She tickled the dragon affectionately and cooing, “Yes, you do! Yes, you do!”

Kenny had a sneaking suspicion this wasn’t the real world, and he still had no idea whether he was on DMT or asleep or living in a fantasy world. He did think that, if his imagination was just going to pull from things he read as a child, he would’ve rather hung out with the armored bears than a hamster-sized dragon.

“You should really feed him,” Bebe said again. “He’s already a runt.”

Kenny was hesitant, and he didn’t think he could regurgitate food so naturally (Bebe hadn’t even had to use her finger, which was impressive in this circumstance and awful in all others), but he stuck his finger down his throat anyway, gagging for a second before vomiting into the animal’s open mouth. It shrieked, and Bebe gasped in amused horror.

“You just threw up in his mouth!” She cried, starting to laugh. “Oh, my God. That’s so awful.”

Kenny felt immensely guilty as he watched his dragon cough up his vomit. “I thought that’s what I was _supposed_ to do.”

“What? No. You used the wrong stomach.” She watched sadly as Scaramouche flew back out the window. “I don’t think he’ll want food for awhile now.”

Kenny stood up to move to the window, sticking his head outside to look for the little animal, but it was nowhere in sight. He reluctantly pulled his head back into the room, feeling his heart sink at the drab black and white world around him. He’d wanted to hang out with Bebe and his dragon soul mate some more. This fucking hallucination took _everything from him_.

He groaned to himself, turning around on a squeaky floor to the collective gasp of everyone in the room. A bunch of people he didn’t recognize were sitting in an attic looking terrified, and Kyle was on the floor in front of him, wearing his payot. He held a finger up to his lips warningly, and Kenny zipped his lips.

He slowly maneuvered himself down to the floor next to Kyle and leaned over to whisper, “What’s going on?”

Kyle gave him a withering look in response. “We’re hiding,” he whispered back.

There were noises downstairs, and a collection of voices that all sounded like Cartman doing a German accent drifted up through the floorboards. The group looked stark with terror, and Kyle gave Kenny a little nudge. “They’re here. Go kill some Nazis,” he said insistently.

“What?” Kenny whispered back. “Nazis?”

Kyle pushed him again. “Go kill them; go kill them!”

“I don’t think that’s how it works… Oh, whatever. Let’s get this over with.” Kenny stood up and stalked across the room. He wasn’t even surprised when the door swung open to lead him back into a colored world.

In the bright hallway, Kyle, Stan, and another Kenny were all waiting for him, wearing fake goatees and laughing amongst themselves. This Kenny also wore a parka, although it looked new and high quality, and Kenny wondered if he was making a mistake by going without. Surely this many realities couldn’t be wrong.

Kyle smiled at him maliciously. “What were you planning on doing, dude? Honestly?”

“I was going to wing it,” Kenny admitted. “Aren’t you currently in Anne Frank’s attic?”

“That’s not me,” he hissed like this was a great insult.

“Also, Anne Frank wasn’t in there,” Stan added. “That’d be fucked up.”

“ _Wait_ ,” the other Kenny said. “ _How is that more fucked up than a faceless Jew?_ ”

They both looked at Kyle for an answer, and he clenched his jaw tightly. “If you have to ask yourself if you’re being offensive, the answer is _probably_ yes. You guys need to go spend more time with Cartman.”

“I would not be able to handle that much saccharine goodness,” Stan said seriously. “I’d honestly rather die.”

The other Kenny’s eyes widened. “ _Nothing could be worse than dying! Don’t even joke._ ”

“God, you’re a pussy,” Kyle muttered, stroking his goatee. “What do you think, Stan? We lost their Cartman, but we could still replace this spoiled whimp,” he said, gesturing to the other Kenny. Kenny tried to give him an apologetic smile because surely Kyle’s harshness would hurt this Kenny too, but he just glared back at him.

Kenny let out an _ohh_ of understanding. “You guys are our evil clones! Very cool. I approve.”

“ _You want to replace me_?” The other Kenny whimpered, looking at Kyle beseechingly.

Kyle scowled back at him. “Obviously I want to replace you. You’re a little twit.”

“Twat,” Stan corrected.

“Both are valid.”

Kenny wished he’d been looking down so he could figure out where these things were coming from, but he didn’t manage to see how Kyle came to be holding a gun, pointing it between the two Kennys. “You can choose which one you want to keep, Stan.”

Stan yawned. “Well, I _know_ I hate this one, so that’s a point for t-shirt, but there’s always the enemy you know.”

“ _I’m not your enemy_ ,” the other Kenny said weakly. Kenny was disgusted that _this_ is what his evil self looked like. Even his fake goatee looked patchy like he couldn’t even _buy_ facial hair correctly.

“Oh, fuck it, I’ll choose,” Kyle said roughly, pointing the gun at his Kenny and shooting without flinching.

Kenny gaped at him. “You’d just get rid of your Kenny? What the fuck? Why don’t you like, um, me?” He stepped back from them, waiting for the gun in Kyle’s hand to disappear. He didn’t have any reason to fear it. Actually, it might be a perfect way to get him home, but some things were instinctual.

Kyle pointed it at him without warning, and Kenny cringed. Kyle laughed and dropped it back to his side. “This one’s scared, too.”

“Fuck you. I’m not scared of dying!” Kenny looked at the ground and grumbled, “You guys are assholes.”

Stan sighed. “I don’t think this one is cool, either.”

“He probably wasn’t cool because he hung out with people who suck!” Kenny said, stomping his foot petulantly.

“Maybe,” Kyle acquiesced. “But he still wasn’t cool. You’re here now so man up and try not to be annoying.” The gun had since disappeared, and Kenny kicked himself for not watching it closer.

“Okay,” Kenny said with a deep breath. “I lost dragons and having sex with myself for this, so I’m going to go find something cool to do, and you guys just stay here, okay?” He threw up a sarcastic peace sign. “Catch you assholes never.”

He turned around to leave, and a bullet whizzed over his shoulder. Kenny froze in his tracks and turned around slowly to look at Kyle. “You’re kinda trigger happy, aren’tcha?”

Kyle grinned, and Kenny was pretty sure he caught the moment when the gun disappeared from his hand again. It was anticlimactic. “You can leave if you win a game.”

“Oh, creepy, I like it. What are the rules?”

“Open your mouth,” Kyle commanded.

Kenny dutifully opened his mouth, worrying in an off-hand way about the last time he’d dislocated his jaw trying to look like he was good at head. He awaited further instruction while Kyle took a few steps closer to him. Kenny started closing his mouth suspiciously, and Kyle spat into his mouth, shouting “ookie mouth!” and doubling over with laughter.

He wiped the back of his mouth on his sleeve. “That’s not even how you _play_ that game.”

“You looked _so_ surprised,” Kyle forced out.

Kenny threw his arms out wide. “That’s not what I thought you were going to do! Can’t anyone fucking play along with _my_ dreams? This is all _my_ head! Fuck!” He pulled on his hair until his head hurt and stomped away from the two of them with a Tweek-like “ _gah!_ ”.

“Dude, I think Kenny is saying he dreams about you,” Stan whispered loudly. Kenny tried to ignore him, throwing open the only door in the room, but Stan and Kyle were standing at the exact same place in that room. He looked back over his shoulder, and they weren’t there anymore.

He hated this.

Kyle gave a kind smile that Kenny didn’t trust for an instant. “Do you, Kenny?”

“Nah, dude,” he said. “I probably meant Stan.”

“That’s very fair,” Kyle said conversationally. “I dream about Stan, too.”

Kenny stumbled back as Kyle turned to Stan, the two of them falling into a kiss like it was the most natural thing in the world. He watched for a few seconds, trying to figure out if he was turned on or pissed. He was pissed, and he couldn’t think of any way to escape the room so he settled for looking up at the ceiling and yelling, “That the best you can do? Come at me, bro! I don’t give a _shit_!” He flipped off the heavens for good measure.

Kyle pulled back, his face illuminated for a moment by a crack of lightning, and, when he leaned in again, Eric Cartman had taken Stan’s place. Kenny looked at them in horror, a feeling he didn’t like twisting at his stomach so he was afraid he’d vomit right there, and he forced himself to turn around and walk to the door. He would keep walking through this door as long as fucking Kyle and Cartman showed up on the other side of it.

He passed them several more times, struggling not to look as they got more and more heated, until he reached a room with a large wooden table and a young Butters sitting cross-legged on top of it. He was wearing his old Paladin Butters costume from that game where Kenny had been a princess, and he beamed at Kenny when he appeared.

“You wanna be somewhere else, don’tcha?” He asked cheerfully.

Kenny nodded darkly.

“I can help you out!” Butters declared honorably, waving a useless twig around in the air.

Everything seemed very simple. Kenny lowered his face to the dirt, biting a mouthful of grass and chewing very slowly. Sometimes insects buzzed around his flanks, and he flicked his tail irritably. He didn’t know how long he was eating for. Eventually, night time came, and the sheep of the farm started jumping back and forth over a fence. Kenny watched them, bored but not sleepy, still chewing his grass.

The sun came up and set again. This kept happening, and Kenny kept munching at the grass. Sometimes he was led into a building full of hay, but mostly it was the women. One day, a man that Kenny knew as Farmer Jenkins showed up in the field and pointed towards him. The man Kenny saw hovering around the field every day led him out of the pasture, and Kenny followed apathetically.

They stopped walking, and the two men made noises in a language he didn’t understand. There was the sound of a gun firing, and Kenny collapsed on his side.

It was black for a long time, in the sort of way where Kenny didn’t know if he was in total darkness or nowhere. Maybe he just had his eyes closed. He should check that out – it’d be an easy solution.

He opened his eyes, taking in the dim light of his own room. The bong was on the ground next to him, and Bebe was hovering over his face once again, looking worried, and he smiled up at her dizzily. He was struck by a moment of dread, realizing that this was probably just another fucked up world he’d be stuck in, and then everything slid back into place in his head. “So that was cool,” he concluded calmly.

Bebe gasped in relief and clutched her hands together. “I honestly thought you’d died!” She exclaimed. “You just lay there for ten minutes! I had to check if you were breathing like five times!”

“Ten minutes?” Kenny asked. He knew that it would only last that long, but it had felt like _forever_. “I missed you, dude.”

She gave him a small smile. “I missed you, too. Was it good?”

“I _will_ be doing DMT again,” Kenny said with absolute certainty. And next time he wouldn’t miss his shot with himself by making small talk.


	11. The Rum Tum Tucker

“O.G. Crew!” Clyde cheered, flopping down onto Token’s sofa with a beer in hand.

“We should,” Craig said slowly. His speech always moved at a mile an hour when he got stoned, but he insisted on forcing words out anyway. Possibly more than he did when sober and fluent. “Invite… JimmyfuckingValmer.” He curled up in a ball and laughed loudly, ignoring the shocked looks he was receiving from his friends. He only got truly giggly a small percentage of the time, but he was a damn joy to be around those times.

Clyde raised his beer to Craig. “Jimmy fucking Valmer! That kid was a goon and a half.” He took a long sip and toasted again.

“Jimmy Valmer…” Craig said seriously, grabbing Tweek’s knee so that he knew he was being totally serious right now. “Lost his virginity… in fourth grade.” He made a face and burst out laughing, clapping his hands together while Tweek watched in shocked silence, a disbelieving smile across his face.

“Kenny did, too,” Token mumbled. Craig wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he really was trying to be cheerful for his morose friend’s sake. That didn’t mean Token wasn’t becoming a little bit of a bummer. He always found a way to connect things back to Bebe, and that was fair because it had only been a few days, but Craig had a suspicion it would last longer than necessary.

Until Token got his shit together, they had Clyde to pick up the slack.

“You guys wanna know how _I_ lost _my_ virginity?” Clyde waggled his fingers at this was a really exciting opportunity they couldn’t miss out on.

“What do you mean?” Token asked. “To Henrietta Biggle in sixth grade.”

“No, but _how_ ,” Clyde emphasized. “The story behind the fucking, you know?”

“Let’s play a game,” Craig said slowly. “If we can guess how you lost your virginity, we win.”

“How is this not something we know?” Token muttered thoughtfully, and Clyde shot him a dirty look like he completely agreed.

Clyde sniffed. “I’ll pretend it’s because you’re high all the time.”

Before Craig could start working on his response, Tweek waved a hand eagerly in the air. “Can I go first?”

Craig nodded, impressed. “Start it up.”

“Okay, I think that it was Henrietta Biggle, in the dining room, with the lead pi– Thank you, Craig, for laughing.”

“Solid joke, through and through,” Craig said appreciatively.

Tweek looked incredibly amused, but he turned back to Clyde, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “I think that you were going through your chubby phase – that’s a fact, don’t get mad! – and wearing all black because you didn’t want to look chubby so she thought you were going Goth, and she – _agh –_ took you to a Goth poetry slam, and you couldn’t understand what they were saying enough to realize it was shit so you read it with Henrietta for weeks. I think you went through a period where you thought you were too cool for her then a popular girl led you on, and you got depressed and ran to her, and you guys made passionate love for approximately forty-seven seconds with her parents downstairs.” Tweek stopped and took a deep breath. Craig had had a difficult time following – Craig slowed down when he smoked, Tweek sped up. Craig often wasn’t quick enough to actually catch what he said, but it was said with a kind of confidence he didn’t usually have so Craig was pretty into it.

Clyde gaped at Tweek for a second, and Tweek looked back, seeking approval.

“Okay,” Clyde said in a pinched voice. “Everyone can go, and then I’ll say who was right.”

“Tweek won!” Craig cheered, clapping again. “Can I still make up a story?”

“Do whatever you want,” Clyde said, waving a hand for Craig to continue. There was a reason their friendship had lasted for so long – Clyde was incredibly easy for Craig to give shit to, and Clyde would let it bounce off him _and_ play up being hurt to make it fun for Craig. Some people really liked making friends who share similar interests or personality traits, but Craig usually didn’t. He just wanted all the people around to be people he fucked with, and that left him with a troupe of weirdos like Tweek and Clyde.

Craig tapped his nose thoughtfully, and Clyde grinned. “Okay. I think that you had no idea how to find sex – “

“And you’re the master!” Clyde cried. “You’ve had sex with _one person_.”

Craig flipped him off. “I think you had no idea how to find sex, and you didn’t want any of the girls in the grade to know so you talked to a random older girl in the hallway who had no idea who the fuck you were, and you grilled her on her sex life, and she directed you to Henrietta Biggle, who was offended by the suggestion and, as a Goth with recently lowered self-esteem, fucked you in between the cars in the parking lot.”

“Oh, fuck you, too,” Clyde said as Tweek and Craig shook with poorly suppressed laughter. “Token, wanna play _another_ game?”

“I see where this is going,” Token moaned.

“ _I think_ that Tweek and Craig had sex for the first time in fourth grade – yeah, Craig, it’s weird you won’t tell me how old you were – when they read one of those stories the Asian girls used to write, and it gave graphic descriptions of anal sex, and they didn’t know what it was so they assumed it was something they were supposed to be doing, and they totally had sex.” Clyde mimed dropping a mic, and Craig smiled back mildly.

He turned to look at Token. “And you?”

Token grimaced a little like he didn’t want to be pulled out of his moping. “Um, okay. Word. I think that it was the summer after ninth grade. I think that you guys were going about your business one day when Craig says something excessively romantic like ‘we shouldn’t be virgins anymore’, and Tweek agrees, and I think Craig runs into his mom while getting oil from the kitchen, and they have an incredibly long and awkward conversation during which Tweek thinks Craig has run away or been kidnapped – “ Token paused like he was running out of steam, and Clyde nodded encouragingly.  “So Tweek, um, attacks Craig when he comes back, I guess, and then they drop the oil, and it’s coconut oil so it’s in a glass jar – “

“ _Who_ in my house would use fucking coconut oil?” Craig interrupted.

“I think Ruby might,” Clyde said. “She has like really soft skin and hair. Have you noticed?”

Craig looked at Clyde for a long time – until Clyde was squirming in his seat. Then Craig looked away to Tweek, giving him a ‘is this guy serious?’ expression. Tweek rolled his eyes up to the sky and tugged on his ear. Craig swiped under his nose, and Tweek paused for a second before wiggling his ears with extreme concentration. Satisfied, Craig turned back to Clyde and said, “Talk about her skin again, and I kick your ass.”

Clyde was still looking from Tweek to Craig in surprise. “Were you guys actually _communicating_?”

Tweek raised an eyebrow. “Of course we weren’t! That would be really weird, Clyde!”

Clyde shook his head in mild awe. “The Rum Tum Tucker _is_ a curious cat,” he said in a hushed voice.

“I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that’s a T.S. Eliot reference,” Token said darkly.

“Who?”

Craig was noticing some strange looks coming at him and Tweek from the Token front, and he wondered for a second if he should keep his PDA down. Then he realized that he actually hadn’t shown any affection by a normal person’s standards and was completely fine to keep doing what he was doing. Honestly, Craig tried to pay as little attention as possible to what was the shitshow in the friend group one town over, but he knew enough to know that he had made the right choice in friends.

“So?” Clyde asked, jiggling his leg in excitement. “Who was right?”

Tweek scrunched up his nose. “Neither of you.”

“ _You_ ,” Craig said, looking at Clyde, “are a creep, and _you_ ,” he said, looking at Token, “give us no credit.”

Clyde waited expectantly then frowned at Craig. “But you won’t tell us the answer?”

“We didn’t tell you before,” Craig said bluntly.

Clyde narrowed his eyes. “Fine. Then I’ll continue believing _my_ story.”

“Go ahead,” Craig said. “It really doesn’t affect me at all.”

“God dammit!” Clyde cried in frustration. “I want to know what happened! Best friends are _supposed_ to talk about these things.”

“I’m pretty sure I delegated that role to Kenny,” Craig said. Token looked up sharply, and Craig tried to feel a little guilty, but he was firmly on board with the ‘just get over it’ philosophy.

“Tweek,” Clyde said, changing tactics. “Tweek, I know you can tell me.”

“What? Of course I could tell you!” Tweek cried, confused. “We’re just not going to.”

“I will _find out_ ,” Clyde swore seriously, and Craig gave him another one of those mild smiles that he knew pissed Clyde off to no end. “You two aren’t as great as you think you are!”

Craig and Tweek exchanged a skeptical look. Tweek shook his head a little like he disagreed, and Craig nodded wisely at his assessment. When Craig turned back to Clyde, Clyde rolled his eyes up to the ceiling as obnoxiously as possible. “Oh, brother!”

In one moment, they were glaring at each other, and in the next, they were both roaring with laughter, Clyde slamming his fist on the table next to him like those words were the funniest thing he’d done in ages.

Token yawned loudly and looked longingly upstairs, but the dickwad didn’t say anything. Taking pity, Craig asked, “Want us to leave so you can get some sleep?” and Token nodded sleepily. They said their goodbyes and started wandering back in the direction of Craig’s house, passing a joint between the three of them as they walked and guessing at how different people in school had lost their virginities. It was really a very good game, and Craig barely minded the long walk home.

Inside, Ruby was already sprawled out on the couch, watching the DDR screen move without a player. Craig gave Clyde a mockingly stern look, and Clyde snorted, but really, Craig meant it. She was a fucking baby even if she had the bitchiness of a full grown woman.

Craig leaned over the couch to pick up the remote and change it to the TV. “You have no brain cells left, little sister.”

“I was watching that,” Ruby complained as Craig continued to surf through channels. “Can I at least pick what we watch?”

Craig shut off the TV and tossed the remote back to her. “You’re melting your brain like cheese. I want to _talk_. Let’s _talk_ , you guys. Also, can someone get me a grilled cheese?” That sounded fucking orgasmic. Craig was hitting a point where he was starting to get worried about his inability to eat when sober; it really hurt his stomach, and Tweek drank so much coffee that neither thought to remind the other to eat so it ended up just not happening.

He would never tell anyone, except Tweek if he hadn’t guessed already, but Craig thought the two of them were modelesque. Yeah, Tweek had probably stunted his growth before he was out of diapers, and coffee made him break out (only to be worsened by his nervous picking at his skin), but they looked good together. There was something that felt very romantic about not eating. This behavior would usually last until both Tweek and Craig were lying around Craig’s room sluggishly, wallowing in misery and holding furniture to walk around like they were geriatric. Tweek would ask, ‘do you think we must just be hungry instead of depressed?’, and it turned out that they _weren’t_ actually depressed.

There was always a happy ending to these stories. It might have led Craig astray during a few memorable moments in which Tweek cried organically, and Craig still tried to force chips and hummus sneakily into his mouth to cheer him up. He was pretty sure he’d conditioned Tweek to get hungry whenever he was sad.

Ruby looked at Tweek in horror. “Did you guys do something to him? Did he hurt his head?” She shot Clyde an accusing glare, and he held his hands up innocently.

“Craig’s just super stoned,” Clyde explained.

“Oh,” Ruby sighed. “ _Obviously_. Okay, Craig, worry about _my_ brain cells.”

“I haven’t noticed any adverse effects from smoking weed,” Clyde claimed proudly.

Craig gave a high-pitched laugh, not even bothering to look embarrassed at the expressions on his friends’ faces. “The amount of times you forget what you’re saying midsentence is _legendary_.”

“What? I don’t do that!” Clyde protested. “You become lethargic and apathetic!”

“I can vouch for him that he already was both those things,” Ruby said. She nodded towards the couch and chairs for Tweek and Clyde to join them, and they sank into two of the seats, Clyde tilting his head back like he was in pure bliss sitting down.

Clyde sat up straight, looking at Ruby with overflowing excitement. “Ruby. Do you know how Craig lost his virginity?”

“I sure do,” she said cheerfully. “That was back before we fully appreciated how thin the walls are.”

Craig breathed out through his teeth. “Ruby, are you really going to betray me to _Clyde Donovan_?”

“Of course I am. So, from what I could glean from my room _right next door,_ it started with an hour long debate over who did which position which included, if my ears are to be believed, a fake jousting fight with – “

“That is _not_ what happened,” Craig scoffed.

“Do you really think it would take an hour for Craig to decide he wants to be on top?” Tweek asked incredulously.

Ruby sighed and batted her eyelashes at Clyde endearingly. “It’s true. I made it all up. I was not in the next room.”

“Glad that’s sorted out,” Craig muttered. “Can you stay out of my business now, Clyde?”

“Unlikely, but I guess I can give it a shot.” Clyde gave him an overly enthusiastic thumbs up, and Craig grimaced. “You would be a lot prettier if you smiled, sweetheart.”

“Fuck off, Clyde,” Craig growled, very accustomed to this treatment.

“If you’d only let me take you to my girl downtown, we could do something about those _dreadful_ split ends,” he continued, Ruby clapping her hands over her mouth as she shook with silent laughter. “You needn’t flip people off, darling, but, should you choose to do so, one must always be prepared with a proper manicure – Ow, fuck, dude, I’ll stop,” he said, swatting away the last of the ice cubes Craig was flinging at him from his drink. “You are _no fun_.”

Craig yawned. “I used up all my niceness. I hope everyone enjoyed its time with us.”

Tweek put his hand over his heart and hung his head mournfully, and Clyde tried to make a sound like a mournful trumpet. Ruby, Craig noticed, must have been incredibly bored because she actually seemed interested in his friends tonight.

“Speaking of things that aren’t very nice,” Ruby said in that same calculating voice Craig adopted when he shared information. “You’ll never guess what Karen told me this morning.” She looked challengingly around the circle as if daring them to guess.

“Nope,” Clyde agreed. “Push on, Rue.”

Let it never be underestimated exactly how annoyed Craig was that his _little_ sister had finally struck up some sort of friendship with Clyde. He had been Ruby’s favorite punching bag a few days ago, and now they laughed at Craig together. Ruby snuck him a grin and nodded obligingly. “Her brother and Bebe Stevens are having _sex_.”

She let this sink in, and Clyde asked, in a hopeful voice, “Kevin?” Ruby gave him a condescending look.

Clyde pulled out his cellphone, already knowing what they had to do. “Alright, hands in, my brothers. Let’s rock, paper, scissors.”

Craig followed his instructions immediately, and Tweek gave Craig a hesitant look before putting his fist in the circle. They all focused on their hands like this was a deeply serious matter. Clyde and Craig both chose rock, and Tweek picked paper. He gave a small, triumphant punch that just made him look spazzier than usual before deflating, realizing what he had won.

He caught the phone easily, still frowning at the two of them. “I’m not good at this kind of thing!” He protested. “I get really flustered, and I just want to calm the person down, and then I start lying, and before you know it, I’m going to be telling him “no, don’t be so hard on yourself, they aren’t actually sleeping together!” and then we’re back at square one!”

“This isn’t a game of pass the buck,” Craig snapped, not sure that was a real game. “This is rock, paper, scissors, and you papered our world.”

Tweek gave the phone another pained look before punching in a number and holding it up to his ear. He looked visibly disappointed when the line picked up and stammered, “Token? It’s Tweek!” He shot Clyde and Craig a pleading look, and neither moved to help him. Without warning, he blurted out “Kenny and Bebe had sex!” and hung up the phone, throwing it across the room.

Craig let out a startled laugh, and Clyde got up to retrieve the phone. “I’ll take it from here, Tweeker. Great job.” He gave him a thumbs up before taking the phone and walking towards the kitchen. Thank fucking God Craig had Clyde to do all the emotional parts of friendship for him.

Tweek was looking guiltily at the ground after he left, and Craig clapped his shoulder cheerfully. “At least you told him,” he said, the memory of Bebe and Token’s recent subterfuge left hanging in the air.

“He’s going to freak out, man! I can’t deal with emotions like that!”

Ruby smirked at the two of them. “Don’t break up. I don’t think either of you could date someone else.”

Tweek stopped pulling his hair to give Ruby a remarkably calm eye roll like she was telling him old news. Craig raised a finger to his lips thoughtfully, his brain still remarkably sluggish. This sucked for Token, and they had both fucked up really badly, but Token _had_ broken up with her. He couldn’t exactly hold Bebe’s grieving against her, and he didn’t care enough to do so even if he thought it was appropriate.

No, there was a much bigger problem at hand that no one was addressing. That was why the world needed Craig Tucker – there to address the unaddressed.

The next day marked the last week of school before Christmas vacation, and the first week of school after Token and Bebe’s breakup (excluding the Friday that they had both self-indulgently skipped).

Craig’s morning followed the neat pattern it always did. His guinea pig woke him up an hour too early, squealing for food, and Craig kept up a steady stream of curses the whole time he poured the dry food out into its bowl. He spent way too long debating which shade of blue he wanted to wear that day and snapped a few speculative photos to Tweek (who responded with an anxious ‘am I supposed to be seeing a difference???’). He walked downstairs to eat his breakfast that Ruby had taken deliberate bites of before he arrived, and he drove to Tweek’s house without the radio on.

They seemed to be on the same page that their bodies and minds simply couldn’t move as fast after last night, and the ride would be best spent in painful silence. Craig broke the silence, turning off the main road and remarking, “We have a detour to make.”

Tweek looked alarmed, but he didn’t question Craig as he drove through the shitty part of town towards Kenny’s house. Token usually gave Kenny his drives to school, and he hadn’t asked for someone else to pick him up, so Craig assumed Kenny was going to slum it on the bus.

His prediction proved correct, and his timing proved perfect. Kenny was already trudging down the street next to his little sister, staring at the ground a foot ahead of him like he was walking through a dream. Surprisingly, his old parka had been pulled out of retirement, and Kenny’s whole face was once again hidden by hood. Craig honked his horn, and Kenny looked up hopefully, his face sinking back into mild depression when he realized whose car it was.

Karen said something to Kenny and patted his arm, and he turned to walk towards the car. He slid into the backseat and offered a glum “ _thank you_ ” that Craig could barely understand.

“So, it’s the return of the parka?” Craig asked after a long silence.

“How do we know you’re really Kenny?” Tweek demanded suspiciously.

Kenny gave him a dull look and shrugged. “ _It seems right_.”

“Three guesses why you’re hiding,” Craig said roughly, and Kenny cringed.

“ _I guess I should be honest with you guys now –_ “

“We know,” Tweek assured him quickly.

Kenny looked taken aback, and Craig continued, “It’s been, what? Three days? This is high school, dude. Everyone knows your shit unless you work to keep it private.” Tweek nodded in concurrence.

They drove on until Kenny protested, “ _I didn’t want to hurt Token_.”

“Token’s a big boy,” Craig said emotionlessly, although he didn’t believe this to be true. “Are you guys dating?”

Kenny shook his head vehemently. “ _What? No! God, no! We’d_ never _do that_.”

“Good,” he said tersely. “Because you’re sort of dating my cousin.”

Kenny looked at him in confusion, clearly struggling to remember that Red was related to Craig. Craig got more pissed off the longer it took, but eventually the light of realization appeared in his eyes. “ _Red doesn’t care who I have sex with_.”

“Riddle me this,” Craig asked, unimpressed, and Tweek snorted into his coffee. “If Bebe had slept with, say, Kevin, would Token have been so upset?”

Kenny moaned and covered his face, shaking his head dejectedly.

“So you see why it might _only_ matter because it’s Bebe?”

Kenny nodded.

“Good. Then don’t drag my cousin into your fuckiness, or I’ll fuck you up.” Craig glanced up at the rearview mirror to stare at Kenny. “Deal?”

“ _Deal_ ,” Kenny agreed.

Tweek poked at Craig and, in a taunting voice, sang, “ _Nah nah, Craig loves his family!”_

“Fuck off,” Craig growled. He had done his basic human sympathy for the day, and he was done with it. It took a lot out of him being so magnanimous and supportive all the time.

Lunch was a somber affair. Craig loved studying the social habits of people – mainly because he found most of them so dumb – and he was sort of eager to see how the cafeteria tables would unfold now that Token, Kenny and Bebe all lacked the ability to look each other in the eye. He supposed there was no reason to be surprised: Token joined him, Clyde, and Tweek in what Craig guessed was an official reassembly of their old friend group, and Bebe and Kenny appeared in the cafeteria a few minutes later, looking positively wrecked.

Bebe glanced towards Token, her face falling instantly as he kept his nose in his soup and Clyde shot her the frostiest glare he could muster. Kenny reached out to touch her elbow supportively. He gestured towards an empty table, and she shook her head, leading him over to where Wendy and Stan had joined Kyle and Nichole. Kenny stayed standing at the head of the table, looking reluctant to join them, and waited until Wendy had been forced to beckon him to sit down.

Craig watched for a few seconds longer – Bebe seemed incredibly downcast, and Kenny slipped his fingers through hers. At once, both Wendy and Kyle’s eyes dropped down to their hands, Wendy looking disappointed and Kyle momentarily flabbergasted. When he turned back to the table, Token was staring at them intently, and Craig felt a rush of gratitude for having a completely uneventful life.

“We’re kind of the best,” Craig said later that night. He and Tweek were as far apart as possible in his room; Tweek had even slid the desk chair into the corner, where he had his textbook propped up on his knees. Craig had been flipping through pages of his textbook in boredom, debating whether he cared barely or not at all.

Tweek gave a jerky nod. “I hope we don’t start freaking out!”

“We won’t,” Craig assured him. It was true. He and Tweek hadn’t had a fight since they started dating, and they’d rarely had them before then. When they did, it was just two tension-riddled teenage boys who didn’t really want to deny their fake relationship but, fearing that the other one _did_ , wanted to be the first one to do it. It finally ended one day when Tweek had gotten particularly upset from jokes Clyde was making about the yaoi art, and Craig had shown up at his door with crudely drawn anime and asked, ‘so have you noticed everyone sucks but us?’ It was the end of a weird and uncomfortable time, and Craig looked forward to everything being easy for the rest of his life.

They continued studying for awhile until Craig remarked, “It was pretty cool you guessed how Clyde lost his virginity.”

“He told me about it after it happened,” Tweek said. “That’s why we started hanging out.”

Craig looked up from his book, puzzled. “Why wouldn’t he tell me? I’m his best friend!”

“Craig Tucker: The Champion of Social Interaction,” Tweek said sarcastically.

Neither one of them was, by any stretch of the imagination, a great conversationalist. One of Craig’s favorite things about the relationship was being able to sit in the same room for long stretches of time without any interaction. Still, it was always a bit of a relief when a conversation finally took hold. He did like talking to Tweek. The main priority, however, was always to be in the same room as him. Everything else was a bonus.

“Do you think they would’ve guessed how it happened?” Tweek asked thoughtfully.

Craig snorted and shook his head. “He doesn’t have a snowball’s chance.”

Clyde’s fourth grade guess had been fairly realistic, and Craig appreciated that it would have been a hilarious story if it were true. It was something along those lines. Kenny had made a suggestive comment to Tweek in tenth grade, who still didn’t have a clue as to why anything would ever go the wrong way up an asshole. Craig had tried to explain the mechanics, and Tweek had started hyperventilating. Craig had ended up holding his wrists, opening and closing his mouth for what felt like hours to show Tweek that some parts of the body were _supposed_ to be able to accommodate stretching.

Like he was thinking of the exact same thing, Tweek stretched his jaws open wide, and Craig mimicked the action before grinning at each other like idiots.

“Do you think Clyde’s going to try to bang my sister?” Craig asked, voicing the fear he’d been having for the past few days.

Tweek closed his book, focusing on the ground in front of him while he clearly thought deeply about his answer. “Maybe,” he decided, and Craig wondered bitterly why such a tentative answer required so much intense thought. “I doubt Ruby would, though. Plus, didn’t Clyde just hook up with Annie Nelson?”

“He hooked up with _Patty_ Nelson,” Craig said, stressing the difference.

Tweek grinned wickedly. “Do you think that counts as a threesome? Get it, Craig? Because – “ He blew his cheeks out widely to illustrate Patty’s ample weight.

Deep down, Craig really didn’t think Clyde would do anything to rock the boat. They had all become much more grateful about the stability of their friendships as they watched all of Kenny’s interpersonal relationships crash and burn. In Craig’s opinion, Kenny was blinded by how much he liked himself. He had thought that he, Stan, Kyle and Cartman were the closest friends in South Park, and that had proved excessively false. He moved on to him, Bebe, and Token, and that really did seem promising for awhile.

Not anymore, really.

But who was doing fine?

Craig and Those Motherfucking Guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a heads up, this marks the beginning of the second half, which is going to be told entirely through secondary and tertiary characters.


End file.
